Harvard study: global warming may end threat of mummies

For generations, books, films, and TV have warned us of the danger of mummies.  In their crypts they are relatively harmless, but when they rise from the dead and start strangling people, as they did in the Cotswolds of south central England in “Doctor Who and the Pyramids of Mars,” they become a much greater threat.

But this problem may shortly be solved, thanks to global warming.

The world’s oldest mummies are at risk of disappearing because of man-made climate change, according to a group of Harvard University scientists.

Bodies mummified about 7,000 years ago in Chile are starting to rapidly degrade, the Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Sciences said Monday in an e-mailed statement.

At the Harvard School of Engineering, they are working on the world's most important technical problems, hopefully on a federal grant.

Tests by Harvard’s Alice DeAraujo and Ralph Mitchell show that microbes that flourish in an increasingly humid climate are turning the preserved remains of Chinchorro hunter-gatherers into “black ooze.”

Isn't that fascinating?  There has been no global warming, man-made or otherwise, in 17 years, and yet the mere threat of global warming has caused microbes to flourish and destroy the mummies!

While museums can control their environments to preserve artefacts, many Chinchorro mummies are buried just beneath the surface in valleys that are experiencing higher humidity levels due to climate change

I didn't know there are indoor and outdoor mummies – just like cats!

Now that the threat of mummies is being dealt with, we can turn to a much greater threat: that posed by mindless zombies, those who insist that natural changes in temperature are unnaturally caused and responsible for every storm, drought, snowfall, hurricane, crop failure, and now decline in the mummy population.

Unfortunately, we know of no way to deal with these zombies.  They can't be reasoned with.  You can't show them temperature data indicating that there has been no warming.  You can't explain that man-made CO2 is only 3% of all CO­2 and logically can't affect anything.   All you can do is sit in a classroom or read the news and be brainwashed by the zombie horde.

In the comments section, please list a problem going on in the world and tell how global warming has caused it.

Pedro Gonzales is the editor of Newsmachete.com, the conservative news site.