I've made a decision. After thoughtful reflection I've come to the conclusion that my life can have no greater purpose than to sacrifice it for the sake of another. But this sacrifice cannot be for some Jack Nobody. No, I am looking to lay my life down for a very specific type of person.
If you are a young person of privilege, perhaps the black sheep of your family, and have an alarming drinking problem and been thrown out of an ivy league university, you might be the person I am looking for! Oh, quick question, were you a legacy to that exclusive institution, despite the fact that you were a dim C student at a lesser school? This could be an important factor if I'm torn between two qualified applicants.
Are you an adulterer? You'll get special consideration if you are! Do you have multiple reckless driving citations? Good for you! Remember, the more unqualified you'd be for any other endeavor in life the more qualified you are for my purpose. So, make sure you adequately communicate just how loathsome you are.
Here's the deal. I want to be the catalyst that propels you into becoming a career politician. So... kill me. You heard me, murder me. It's the only way you can become a yea/nay voter right down your party line. Becoming a party hack requires an epiphany of epic proportions. And after you kill me you're going to have a lot of self-reflection. After all, your life of privilege will be in the balance. So you'll promise to devote every ounce of your brainpower into toeing your party line and trying not to kill anyone anymore. You'll still drink and cheat on your spouse, and maybe testify on behalf of a rapist, but by golly, you'll be alive and I'll be dead. And it will be soooooooo worth it.
In the last moments, as my life is being snuffed out, I can imagine you as the lion of the senate, thundering from the floor, questioning your political enemies ethics and morals. I'm getting a thrill up my leg just thinking about it. Call me, we'll go for a drive.
When I read Melissa Lafsky's piece in HuffPo I actually thought for a moment I was reading THE ONION. Her contention was that Mary Jo Kopechne, being what would be called a progressive today, might very well think (if her capacity to think wasn't snatched away by an irresponsible drunken coward) that it was "worth it" to be the catalyst (catalyst being another word for sacrificial homicide victim) for the re-making of Ted Kennedy. Did Lafsky ever consider for one moment that had Kopechne escaped from that death car, and learned that her "progressive hero" fled the scene, that she might have had an epiphany about left-wing morality? Of course she didn't. She was too busy writing the most inane, insulting and outrageous blather in order to, not only whitewash a despicable act, but to audaciously turn it into a positive. If you fall for this ridiculous propaganda, I have a Dike Bridge to sell ya.
Apologies to Rick Moran, who covered this topic well, from a different angle.