NYC Bans Delicious Pizza for Climate Change
There are many things on this Earth are said to be contributing to global warming; cars, planes, plastic, and apparently pizza. New York City has ordered pizzerias that use coal and wood fired ovens to crack down their carbon emissions by 75%. Wood and coal fired stoves are apparently one of the largest contributors to air pollution and that this is just a “common sense rule” according to NYC Department of Environmental Protection spokesman, Ted Timbers.
This regulation will require pizzeria owners to buy expensive emission control devices, with one Brooklyn owner already paying $20,000 for an air filter. About 100 restaurants will be affected by this new rule. These restaurants have to hire engineers or architects so that they can determine whether or not they can actually install these controlled emission devices. If the restaurant cannot bring 75% of their carbon emissions down, they either need to bring it down by 25% through practice or provide a reason as to why they cannot install emission controls.
Obviously, many people were not happy about it. Scott Lobaido, conservative artist, bought boxes of pizza to New York City Hall and went on a rant shaming New York ending with, “You’ve heard of the Boston Tea Party, well this is the New York Pizza Party! Give us pizza or give us death” while finally throwing boxes of pizza over the gates of City Hall. Dave Portnoy, who’s known for doing pizza reviews on One Bite Pizza Reviews, posted a short on his personal channel titled, “I Will Not Let NYC Ban Coal Fired Pizza Ovens” cursing the new rule. “You think shutting down like 10 to 15 pizza places is going to make a fucking difference——Leave the fucking pizzerias alone!” This is no longer political, it’s personal.
Pizza is literally the pride of New York, and there’s not much else to be proud about there, lately. Pizza is part of their history. Pizza is the one thing that New York and Chicago compete over, other than which city has the craziest criminals. When tourists come there, one of the first things they want to do is try the pizza and the city wants to rob them the taste of a classic New York, exquisitely delicious coal oven pizza because of “climate change.” It’s ironic how politicians give most importance to issues that people care the least about because it requires the least amount of work.
Half of NYC can’t afford basic needs. Crime is up 34% from 2018. NYC is literally sinking into the ground every year because of the sheer mass of people and skyscrapers. Mayor Eric Adams wants residents to house illegal immigrants because there are so many of them that are being sent from the US-Mexico border. New York is going after not even 100 pizzerias, yet 70,000 of its people are homeless. But it’s really nice to know that the government has its priorities straight.
Governor Kathy Hochul wants to achieve zero emission electricity by 2040 but is funded by members of the Tisch family, a family that has business in offshore drilling. Mayor Eric Adams wants to reduce the city’s carbon emissions from food by 33% by 2030 and blames climate change for NYC’s poor air quality… but also rode on a private jet to Puerto Rico with a Bitcoin billionaire. John Kerry literally justified his use of private planes because the elites apparently do more to help the planet. Personally, I don’t really care if people drove SUVs or go on private jets, but my issue is when people, especially public figures continuously lecture the public on rules they should abide by while also abiding by their own rules in private. So instead of going after the elites, corporations, and other countries, who not only contribute the most to global warming but are also the ones who can most afford to stop it, we are going after small businesses and everyday people. Fewer than a hundred pizzerias represent the soul of New York, yet they’re paying the biggest price for politicians and environmentalists that want to say they did something meaningful.
Everyone loves pizza. Republicans, Democrats, Independents, and even Libertarians who hate everything. This is where the American people draw the line and they’ve already drawn it many times before. The public outrage was so great that I’m convinced that people would much rather bomb the entire North and South Pole than give up pizza. If there is one thing that’s going to unite this country, it’s going to be the New York Pizza Party of 2023.
This new rule is a prime example of the government slowly chipping away at our individual freedoms under some kind of doomsday guise. The moral of the story is, if you ever feel stupid, just know that New York City tried to ban the most delicious pizza.