Maybe Washington, D.C. Should Be Quarantined

If you've ever spent time overseas, you more than likely have overheard someone say, "Don't get me wrong, we love Americans, but we hate the American government."  Almost to a T, whenever I've heard this conversation in public, the American response is, "Oh, we don't much like our government, either."

So there you go — Americans and foreigners really can agree on something.  Even when America is winning, maybe especially when America is winning, American hegemony around the world is not particularly beloved.  Sure, when the you-know-what hits the fan and some poor, wretched soul is praying for a miracle, it is more often than not a member of the United States Armed Forces who shows up out of nowhere to prove that miracles can happen.  But when the U.S. government preaches about the glories of a "rules-based international order" that everyone knows is set up to benefit Washington, American heroes are always overshadowed by America's hubris.  Watching our enemies celebrate and allies fume over Biden's textbook example of how not to withdraw safely from a battlefield, I wonder how many people in the world today would take the time to defend the delicate reputations of the powerful ruling class that controls D.C.  Can you imagine a future when you might overhear someone saying, "Don't get me wrong, Americans sure can be a cocky bunch, but boy, do we love the American government"?  Me neither.  

This has gotten me thinking.  Now that Fauci Fascism is spreading in the forms of arbitrary and capricious mask mandates, forced vaccinations, lockdowns, and government control over housing and markets, all in the vain delusion that tyranny can cure illness, maybe the best way to survive the continuing beatings being handed out by the strong arm of the State is simply to quarantine Washington, D.C. from normal, healthy people.  It's nothing personal; it's just that D.C. is sick, and covering its inhabitants' mouths with masks hasn't seemed to stop them from saying stupid, unhealthy things.  If there's anything I've learned over the last two years, it's that the best way to combat disease is just to shut down entire cities and isolate the infection.  Since the hot zone is flaring around the Potomac, that whole area should go into permanent lockdown.  

After Pelosi and the congresscritters reacted to the January 6 protest by barricading themselves behind barbed wire, I remember thinking, "If only those precious prima donnas cared as much about ordinary Americans as they do themselves, they might finally see the value in building a wall at the southern border to keep out terrorists, sex slavers, and drug cartels."  Then, when I finally stopped laughing at the idea that Congress cares about the American people, I realized that we'd all be better off if we just chipped in and helped them with their building efforts. 

Imagine if we could wall off D.C. and its environs with something high enough that it could be seen from space — that would make them feel pretty special, right?  Maybe add a moat around the perimeter and fill it with man-eating sharks or floating American flags — you know, whatever scares them more.

I'm not talking about a siege here.  I don't have any intention of hurting or starving these people.  In fact, I think we should build a bunch of Golden Corrals right outside the homes of Bill Kristol and Tom Nichols and all the other "thought leaders" who have gotten fat from merchandising their failures.  Between their expert military advice and their blisteringly effective neoconservative hold over the Republican Party, is there anybody who more deserves an endless chocolate fountain than those with endless dreams of war and foreign conquest?  

Just think how much better off we'd all be if we could live our lives freely without the constant barking coming out of D.C.  Do this!  Think that!  Use this pronoun — no, not that one, the other one!  Switch to an electric vehicle so that you're forced to suck energy from coal-powered charging stations! — Wait, what?

If you've ever had the experience of visiting a mental institution — what we used to call insane asylums — then the babble and drivel burbling up from Washington are nothing new.  But allowing people who would be better off swapping their suit jackets for straitjackets to rule over the rest of us is a genuine health crisis.  The political left is expert at weaponizing guilt against Americans so we stay silent while they insist on preposterous things — boys are girls, good Christians would be Muslims, nobody needs to work when we can print money all day long — but Americans could stop enabling their psychoses and simply walk away.  There are only so many times we can shake our heads and moan that "the inmates are running the asylum" before we finally look each other in the eyes and say, "You know, the inmates really are running the asylum here.  We should get them help."

Reason and rationality don't have any effect on these people.  Better to throw in the towel, cut our losses, cut them off from the rest of America, and let them spit nonsense at each other all day long.  That's right — I think we'd all be wise to let them continue on just as they are, hollering insane orders at each other and feeling very important.  I just think we should quarantine them so effectively that none of their craziness aerosolizes across the population.

Let the Foggy Bottom people play Model U.N. all day long in search of that elusive world peace that is right around the corner.  Let the neoconservatives, Pentagon brass, and defense industry lobbyists excitedly call each other, declare war on someone somewhere, and then practice burning their long-term objectives and exit strategies.  Allow Bernie Sanders and AOC to take turns at the Federal Reserve pulling the printing press levers and screaming, "I told you we had the money!  I told you!"  Encourage the whole useless bureaucracy in D.C. to keep playing its never-ending scavenger hunt in search of which combination of skin shade, sexual orientation, and novel identity crisis earns the coveted status of most oppressed victim of the day.  Let the Senate Republicans prove how magnificently cagey and strategic they are by challenging the Democrats to games of chess and then promptly surrendering their kings before making any moves.

Most importantly, for these very unhealthy people to have any happiness whatsoever, it is imperative that we don't interfere with their daily ritual of calling each other to remind themselves how smart they are.  I cannot stress this enough; it is absolutely critical that they continue to believe that they are entitled to rule.  You don't mess with the crazy guy in the corner who thinks he's Napoleon.  When the sick people in D.C. belch out where they went to boarding school, their impeccable credentials, or how smart everyone thinks they are, it's best just to nod, smile, and agree.  Then ignore them completely.

Now that I think about it, maybe D.C. isn't the only world capital that could use a little quarantine.  Nothing out of Ottawa, London, Paris, Canberra, or Wellington makes much sense these days, either.  Heck, the United Nations keeps putting murderous dictators in charge of global bodies meant to protect human rights.  Does that sound at all sane?  Maybe one day enough people will wake up and recognize that the wrong people have been put in lockdown.  Or at least realize how nutty it is that such a teeny-tiny, infinitesimal group of rulers keep pretending to have the power to lock up everyone else.

Image via Pxhere.

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