It’s Time to Flatten the Gun Violence Curve
We have a brand-new public health crisis -- gun violence. Now that the last pandemic is dying out, President Asterisk has decreed that people shooting each other is our next pandemic. It turns out murder is not a morality problem, it’s a health problem. It’s no wonder we haven’t dealt with this crisis effectively -- we didn’t really understand it. It seems to me that our political rulers just need to have another dance with their new-found emergency powers. Perhaps Dr. Two-Mask Fauci can lead us out of this crisis. He can use science to address gun violence with the same effectiveness that he flattened the COVID curve -- or was it the GDP curve -- I forget.
The first contributor to this pandemic is “ghost guns.” These are guns that have been assembled from kits, have no serial number, and are thus much more lethal than guns with numbers. They’re used by hobbyists and lawbreakers. We probably don’t need to worry about the hobbyists. They’re the folks that build their own guns because they want to hit the head of a nail from 100 yards away. They’re not planning their next heist. They’re too busy trying to tighten their grouping by ¼ inch at the range.
That brings us to the lawbreakers. They build (or buy from illegal sources) ghost guns because they can’t legally buy guns. It’s already illegal for lawbreakers to carry guns, but I’m sure if we make it more illegal the lawbreakers will stop breaking the law. So, here’s what we’ve come to: Everyone (lawbreakers included) are required to wear masks, but their firearms better be clearly identifiable. What’s more dangerous, an untraceable gun, or an untraceable criminal? I guess Joe thinks it’s the gun. As an alternative solution to ghost guns, perhaps we should require that lawbreakers remove their masks before they break the law. Then the gun serial numbers (or lack thereof) won’t matter as much.
Lunch-bucket Joe is also demanding that gun manufacturers be liable for the harm caused by their products. There’s no word yet on whether this liability would only be for criminal acts or would also include accidental damage done by firearms. Since we’re opening the door to hold tool manufacturers liable for their tools, will GM be liable for only vehicular manslaughter -- or will their liability also include accidental damage done with cars? I’m sure tort lawyers would prefer the latter. GM has much deeper pockets than a 16-year-old driving a 20-year-old Cavalier. As long as we’re holding the tools responsible, maybe we should hold the FBI, CIA, and IRS liable for the crimes the Democrats used them for.
Joe also wants to use his “public health” emergency powers to address the mental illness of gun ownership. He’s asking that we implement red-flag laws. Red-flag laws would empower family members or other concerned Karens to report mentally unstable gun owners to the authorities. Local law enforcement would then confiscate the owners’ firearms pending a court review. Those empowered to report gun owners would include parents, spouses, and children. Would it also include ex-spouses, schoolteachers, and neighborhood association presidents? For the sake of public health, we should probably include all of them. As a side benefit, this will be a boon to the divorce industry as about 100% of child custody conflicts will involve one or more red-flag reports.
What level of mental instability would necessitate confiscation of firearms? Would a gun owner need to be clinically insane -- or is being a Republican considered unstable enough? Don’t worry, if your firearms are confiscated, you’ll get a chance to prove you’re stable before a judge. Someone with the same legal training as Emmet Sullivan will provide a fair and unbiased assessment of your eligibility for the 2nd Amendment.
Obviously, Joe will be placing field hospitals in Chicago. After all, that’s where all the shooting is happening. After the gun violence curve is flattened, Kamala can use the hospital tents to house the immigrant children she’s caring for.
What other emergency powers might this “health crisis” empower our rulers to use? Being an “out of the box” thinker, I’m sure Joe has some novel ideas. Maybe gun owners should be subject to contact tracing -- like the pathogens they are. Gun shows could be designated as super-spreader events subject to social distancing and attendance restrictions. Perhaps gun owners could be required to carry a proof of mental health certificate. I can keep it in my wallet next to my COVID vaccine passport. Of course, gun ownership would probably invalidate any mental health certificate -- as no sane person would own a firearm. We currently have a critical shortage of ammunition. Maybe Joe can use the lessons of Operation Warp Speed to fix that.
I’m all for gun control. Particularly the type of control learned at the range. Perhaps our next pandemic relief package could include vouchers for NRA training and range time. I wonder how much my gun-violence pandemic relief check will be? There’s a sweet .45 I’ve got my eye on.
John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Star, Idaho. He is a retired engineer with over 40 years of experience in the areas of product development, quality assurance, organizational development, and corporate strategic planning. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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