I'm pretty sure this is what Biden said

By J.B. Shurk

You didn't need to watch (p)Resident Biden's dim address to the diminished Congress marking his first hundred days in installation to know what would come dribbling out of his mouth. The party that has made a god of government has seized power, and the figurehead of that government knows he must dance to the Marxist-socialists' tune if he doesn't want to find himself 25th-Amendment-ed (or Jeffrey Epstein-ed!) in short order.

So if you happened to miss Dementia-in-Chief's big speech, here's the official State narrative: there are all kinds of problems in America, and almost all of them should be blamed on the last legitimately elected president and his coalition of Make America Great Again (yuck!) "white supremacists." Every problem created by those terrible sub-humans can be solved if we just spend more money, give the government more power, stifle economic growth by fighting the weather, stay terribly afraid all of the time, and pray five times a day at the altar of "woke" racial grievance.

In addition, it is neither the policy nor the preference of the United States government to "make America great" or to imply that America was once great or to suggest, should it later be determined that America was once great, that its past greatness was ever greater than any other nation's greatness. Also, red hats are banned, and an image of that bespectacled woman screaming at the sky during President Trump's 2017 inauguration has been embroidered on all new American flags.

Now, it has come to the attention of the Rice-Harris administration that some Americans believe that the Department of Justice and the Intelligence Community engaged in illegal activities both before and after the 2016 presidential election in order first to spy on the Trump campaign and later to obstruct his presidency by pursuing false criminal charges against him and members of his administration and releasing to the press a steady stream of disinformation and propaganda meant to tarnish the former president as a Russian spy and remove him from office. The new administration takes these charges very seriously and has therefore asked the Department of Justice, FBI, and CIA to confirm or deny whether they did anything wrong. Having seen no show of hands, it was decided that the Department of Justice should instead turn its attention to pursuing charges against Americans recklessly questioning those agencies' actions in online articles. The FISA Court has jumped at the chance to track down dissidents in this regard. Never let it be said that the federal government spies on American citizens or denies them the full protections of the Fourth Amendment when it has Google, Facebook, and Twitter to do such work for it.

It is the policy of this new administration that no constitutional amendment is absolute, and should a court of law later incorrectly determine that the Bill of Rights is absolute, then such a ruling will do nothing more than perpetuate institutional racism and white supremacy. The Founding Fathers' advancements in human liberty, just like Isaac Newton's accomplishments in classical mechanics and calculus, aren't relevant in a modern, multicultural nation.

It's imperative that all constitutional rights first be vetted by trained medical professionals in order to determine whether they can coexist in a "healthy" society. "Unhealthy" parts of the Constitution must go. It is "healthy" to chemically castrate children in the name of feelings and to resettle COVID-positive illegal aliens around the U.S. without worrying about the spread of disease. It is "unhealthy" to value a baby's life as much as a mother's when restricting abortion. Should you have trouble determining which constitutional rights still exist, please consult Dr. Fauci's latest proclamations on what liberties are permitted in a world with germs before inadvertently acting more freely than he believes is in your best interest.

After this latest health emergency stemming from the virus that most likely arose in China but must not be referred to as the "China Virus" out of the obvious need to keep angry infected people from randomly engaging in violence against Asians, it is clear that America is actually in the middle of innumerable "health emergencies," which we must address before Americans are allowed to remove their masks. There's a "systemic racism health emergency" and a "gun violence health emergency" and a "D.C. statehood health emergency." There are even a "filibuster health emergency" and an "Electoral College health emergency" that might mean the end of "democracy" unless Congress acts fast! The good news is, if Congress fails to pass legislation quickly, Attorney General Merrick Garland has already determined that the president actually has the power to rewrite the Constitution and make law through simple "pen and phone" executive orders. Somebody should put that guy on the Supreme Court!

In a particularly touching moment, the president directed some important health warnings to Republicans. First, since conservative speech is now "hate speech," and "hate speech" is "extremist," and "extremism" gets you locked up in solitary confinement without due process or habeas corpus for months at a time, or worse, murdered in cold blood, it's in the best interest of conservatives to forfeit their free speech. Second, since gun-owners are actually "gun nuts" and must be disarmed before they can defend themselves from those who would wish them harm. They should hand over their weapons before government agents are forced to harm them. And lastly, since highlighting the rampant fraud of the last election is "actual violence" against "democracy," conservatives shouldn't be surprised when "democracy" punches back. Fair warnings, I guess.

Oh, and a number of dictionary definitions were officially "improved" by executive order. "Infrastructure project" no longer has anything to do with bridges and roads but instead refers to pork-barrel graft that allows Democrats to launder payoffs to regime-supporters. "Bipartisanship" now simply means that both straight and gay Democrats back Democrat partisanship. And "voter suppression" relates to anything that hinders Democrats from cheating in elections. More new definitions are on their way. (I hear "gulag" might soon become "hotel for Trump-supporters" — yay!)

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's what happened.