Resist the Turkey Tyranny

For those poor souls stuck behind the nanny state bars of Democrat fiefdoms this year, resist the turkey tyranny!  There will come a day when future generations ask whether you yielded to the capricious decrees of Lord High Chancellor Newsom or Comrade de Blasio or Countess Whitmer, or whether you ignored their edicts by mashing bags of potatoes and drowning oversized gravy boats to satisfy a familial army and pack leftovers for weary travelers sneaking furtively back home under the noses of local snitches.  When some wide-eyed great-grand-nephew asks years from now whether you informed on your neighbors for engaging in excessive good cheer, be proud to reply that all your neighbors were stuffing their faces with helpings of pumpkin or Dixie pie somewhere around the extended dining room table’s overflow into your living room.  In 2020 — the year Democrats tried to ban the family for good — you fought back by making your family bigger.  It was glorious.

Of course, just because they’re all family doesn’t mean they’re all enlightened.  When that sarcastic niece with more opinions than thoughts looks across the table for something vegan to nibble, remind her that the delicious-smelling turkey sitting before her is just an ordinary clump of cells and nothing to get too worked up over.  And if the know-it-all aunt pacing around the house with pink genitalia knitted atop her head demands to know why Trump won’t concede, tell her that it’s only polite to let ladies go first, and everyone’s still waiting on Hillary.  Also, don’t be afraid to talk about the early warning signs of dementia and whether we can look forward to regular Silver Alerts from the White House asking Americans to be on the lookout for a hair-sniffing gent speaking gibberish.  However nuts 2020 has been, when Democrats start lecturing us about “presidential euthanasia” as much as transgenderism, we’ll know the crazy train is just getting roll’n. 

Barack Obama likes to “community organize” his fellow socialists to “get in the faces” of family members during Thanksgiving, but this year you can proudly quote Dr. Fauci when you space leftist relatives at least six feet apart from normal-functioning kin.  Tell the communist-curious cousins that you can hear them best when they cover their faces with at least two hygienic masks and speak from a distance.  You can never be too careful about Marxist transmission.  Personal space is “in” this season, so Obama’s good little infiltrators will just have to understand.

Should the brainwashed members of your clan try to shame you for not believing in man-made climate change, remind them that if it weren’t for climate changes that opened up a passage for Paleolithic hunter-gatherers to cross the Bering Strait, our colonial ancestors would have found nobody in the New World to oppress.  In fact, if changing climate hadn’t led the Picts, Celts, Gaels, Romans, Normans, Angles, Saxons, Danes, and Vikings all to settle the same island over thousands of years, they’d never have produced enough religious refugees to Mayflower their way over here and celebrate Thanksgiving with the locals in the first place.  When you think about it, if it weren’t for a naturally changing climate throughout human history, nobody’d be around today to enjoy this fantastic November feast.  And that all somehow happened before hydrocarbons became evil.  Crazy.

Now there may be a time when one of the indoctrinated around the table calls you a “white supremacist” for not sufficiently hating your own country.  If you’re not white, don’t be alarmed.  That’s the trendy lingo these days for anybody who thinks the Constitution and the rule of law are important American hallmarks.  Here’s how you get out of this one.  Ask: if Ilhan Omar can grow up in Somalia, become a U.S. citizen in 2000, a U.S. congresswoman by 2017, and still feel oppressed by the folks at this dinner table who work for a living, then shouldn’t we all just load up and move to Somalia?  That place sounds like it must be an egalitarian paradise.  

For that matter, if the U.S. Constitution is so color-sensitive, why aren’t the Democrats sounding the alarm to all those poor souls around the planet literally stuffing themselves into deadly shipping containers just to reach America’s oppressive shores?  For the love of humanity, someone warn the children of the world before they tragically arrive in the “Land of the Free” that communist China is the real promised land here on earth.  Over there, they imprison minorities in concentration camps, but nobody complains of “white supremacy” — or much of anything else — that’s for sure!  

The college-educated youngster who hears these words will probably accuse you of being part of the sad and conditioned “patriarchy,” but don’t let her get away with that.  Facebook, Twitter, Google, Wall Street, MTV, HBO, Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Apple, Patagonia, Old Navy, and every other corporate behemoth with any power to influence the masses all threw their support behind putting the original “privileged old white guy” Biden in the White House this year.  If you believe and repeat everything the biggest corporations in the country say out loud, you aren’t scoring high marks in the original thinking, trendsetting, or nonconformity rounds of life.  You are, dear family member, a card-carrying member of the boring, suffocating, “do it our way because we say so” Establishment Club.  

The only free thinkers left are the ones willing to stand up for their beliefs despite being attacked by armed anarchists in the street and being constantly hounded by everyone from Oprah to the Pope to sacrifice their individualism for the common good.  The automatons out there all nod in agreement and say together, “Orange Man Bad.”  If you want to stand apart from the crowd, fly a MAGA flag without worrying about your reputation.  Otherwise, pass the stuffing.

Whatever you have planned this week, take the time to enjoy the company of those around you.  Football, Black Friday deals, and that sweet turkey tryptophan come back each year, but the people in our lives sometimes don’t.  So, cheers to the hot toddy, the old-fashioned, and Swedish glögg.  Bah humbug to Todd’s Antifa club, old Bernie bros, and Swedish socialism.  This Thanksgiving, we give thanks to the 75 million friends who can be counted upon to fight socialism tooth and nail.  Here’s to the real patriots, the ones wise enough to know we’re in the fight of our lives and the ones blessed enough to know when to celebrate all we have.  Happy Thanksgiving!