DNC: 'Top Sekret Plan for Midterms'
I was buying a gallon of kombucha tea at Whole Foods for a block party by my neighbors who fancy themselves upscale members of the "resistance." I had hoped that this disgusting concoction would clear their heads and digestive tracts so they'd stop pestering me to vote for the Democrats. Stuck at the bottom of the grocery cart was a memo a prior shopper had accidentally left behind.
The name of the author was lost under a splotch of what appeared to be gluten-free, fat-free, sugarless soy yogurt, but I could make out most of it. Forewarned is forearmed, so I'm sharing it.
A. Our Agenda
1. Impeach Trump, Pence, and Kavanaugh, and any other official whose name we can spell.
2. Raise taxes.
3. Open Borders and Abolish ICE (motto, our land is your land) .
4. Israel is an Apartheid State and must be dissolved.
5. Global warming is the moral equivalent of World War II, and all our people and resources must be mobilized to keep the planet's climate from changing.
6. Diversity is our strength, and it's okay for people to self-identify as Indians, blacks, or Hispanics if they want to add to the diverse pool, even if the diversity is make-believe.
7. Merit is overrated. Equal outcomes are what we want. (Except in basketball.) Keep bright students from achieving their potential in public schools.
8. More welfare for everyone, including free health care. It will cost trillions, but we all know we can keep raising taxes as high as we need to (except on the countless billions in tax-exempt NGOs who fund what we want them to fund). And anyway, math is so hard that only conservatives can figure out this is unworkable, and when they do, we just attack them as "heartless."
We'll just keep adding to the free pile: universal housing, free college tuition, universal basic income. (And with open borders, the "universal" part is really "universal.") We can continue to count on at least one third of the voters thinking "free" means someone else will pay for it.
B. How do we get there to carry out our agenda?
1. Encourage mob attacks on conservatives. (We can count on the media to downplay them as they have the attempt to murder the entire Republican House leadership, beat up Republican leaders, and keep every conservative from ever dining out.) Heck, the press is still claiming that a right-winger shot Gabby Giffords. It worked when a communist shot JFK, and it still works for us. The best part is this: it keeps people from sticking out their necks to oppose us or defend dissenters.
2. Make sure mandatory college event fees are paid out only to left-wing speakers, and if, by chance, any group funds a conservative on campus with its own funds, demand that the college rescind the invitation. If it fails to, we start a riot and beat up anyone who dares attend. Free speech is overrated unless it's ours. We own academia, and let's keep it that way.
C. Midterm Action Plan
1. We began strong by a highly publicized hearing on Brett Kavanaugh's nomination to the Supreme Court in which we showed America that no charge is too insubstantial to keep us from using it. (It's true that "Believe All Women" doesn't apply to Bill Clinton or Keith Ellison and certainly not to the late Ted Kennedy or Chris Dodd, to name just a few. But it should be good enough to keep those soccer moms in our camp.) Pictures of people mobbing the Senate and screaming, pounding on the doors of the Supreme Court, and linking up again with sharia-supporter Linda Sarsour, bemoaning the sad new fate which will befall women now that Kavanaugh has been confirmed, should really nail our female support, especially since the press so rarely lets women know what she stands for. It shows how distraught we really are and why they should be, too, at the confirmation of a man who somebody thinks did something to her thirty-some years ago, which none of her claimed witnesses substantiate
2. Then there's our plan to tag Trump with the failure to deal firmly enough with the Saudis. He should geld the Saudi effort to check Iran, cause a spike in oil to $300 a barrel, and throw out a $150-billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia because a fake journalist who was really a Muslim Brotherhood propagandist was killed on Saudi territory in Turkey. (Ignore the mistreatment by Turkey's Erdoğan, who has placed 300 journalists in prison, or Iran's or China's treatment of any dissenters). I know that our press pals will stay mum on this, just as they ignored Obama's silence when journalists were slaughtered in Charlie Hedbo's offices in France or American journalist James Foley was beheaded. Right now they are hoping that reformist Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman will be toppled along with Trump, ignoring the fact that the king has fired almost the whole leadership of its foreign intelligence service and put the crown prince in charge of restructuring the intelligence agency. (Let's keep that development from public notice.)
Make sure Jewish voters know nothing about Khashoggi, especially not his celebrating Hamas and its genocidal war to wipe them out:
Everything in this war is new, including the weapons that entered Gaza; how did they enter despite the siege? Thousands of rockets entered a small country that is besieged from the land, sea and air. This fact alone is a miracle[.] ...
The distinguished combat performance of its men and the huge network of tunnels that extends for miles under Gaza and the borders with Israel and Egypt were used brilliantly to inflict unprecedented losses on the enemy; they will be used and reused whenever the enemy invades. All of this proves that the movement wasted no time while ruling in Gaza.
This background is important for Arab intellectuals and writers who, incomprehensibly, have been attacking the notion of resistance in the ongoing Israeli war against the Palestinians in Gaza. This strange phenomenon warrants analysis. Regrettably, the number of such intellectuals here in Saudi Arabia is higher than average. If such a trend continues it will destroy the kingdom's honourable claim to support and defend the Palestinian cause since the time of its founder, King Abd Al-Aziz Al-Saud[.]
Make certain as well that they and New Yorkers are unaware of how he celebrated 9/11, blaming it on U.S. support for Israel.
We are embarrassed to learn that we cannot count on the Latino vote as we thought we could. (There was even a slight snag this week when Pelosi, along with Castro-lover Democratic congresswoman Barbara Lee, went to campaign for Donna Shalala in Miami's Little Havana, where they received a rude reception.)
Luckily, people like George Soros came up with a master plan – pay thousands of Hondurans to storm our border, marching through Guatemala and México. Surely, the picture of those downtrodden (almost entirely young men) will tug at their heartstrings and make Americans rush to Nancy Pelosi's view that we should never build that wall and that we should just abolish ICE and every effort to close our borders.
Unfortunately, Trump's message to Guatemala and Mexico that they'd better not let this happen seems to be paying off, but if they get through, think of how appealing that will be for still uncommitted voters to hop on the no-borders-no-ICE train with us.
I was about to toss this in the Whole Foods recycling bin but decided instead to make it an attachment to my letter to Hillary Clinton. She says she's considering running again, and I'm encouraging her to just do it. Keep this agenda alive, girl. We're counting on you, our own political version of Miss Havisham.