A Modest Proposal on Immigration: For Alleviating the Suffering of Non-Americans

It is a melancholy object to consider the suffering of Mexicans.  Consider, for instance, the plight of a poor boy out working the corn fields for a pittance, only to come home and find that the Sinaloa Cartel has tortured his family and burnt their house to the ground.  This innocent child had a dream for his parents to see him earn an education.  But no more.

All people of a sane disposition are forced to admit that this is an unpleasant situation.  Only the most beastly would be left without a feeling of compassion.  Any method to improve this state of affairs must be immediately accepted. 

Fortunately, I have a solution.  Everyone in the world can be invited into safe, prosperous America, whereupon the government can redistribute wealth, food, medical care, and love from Americans to the new arrivals, who will be free to enter and leave as they please.  All ports, airports, and land borders must be completely opened up.

Naturally, the primary motivation for this plan, which hopefully will be passed through the American legislature at the earliest date, is altruism.  No longer can barbaric Americans put the welfare of our children first.  American laws must be dictated by the interests of billions of people we have never met.

In addition to being morally proper, this decision also carries many wonderful practical benefits.

First of all, the Republican Party could be destroyed for good.  Republicans' antiquated notions about preserving American culture have lingered far too long.  The time is ripe to finish them.  When the borders open, they will be completely overwhelmed.  America's new owners will vote overwhelmingly Democrat.  Not only will Democrats win, but they will continue moving to the left.  Republicans will become a meaningless fringe group.

Second, the vicious political ideas of America's founders, from George Washington to Thomas Jefferson, could finally be wiped off the face of this earth forever.  Those men were the devil incarnate.  They burdened us with a Constitution.  As if the power of government should be limited and the rights of each Man strengthened.  How loathsome!

Third, that ugly concept of nationalism can be ended.  Americans can stop trying to advance the narrow interests of American citizens at the expense of others.  This can be a liberating experience.  Rather than working to preserve our society, we can just relax (!) and accept what people around the world tell us is best.  We can give in to indifference, decay, entropy.  America had a centuries-long run.  It is time to retire.  How anyone cannot admit to this fact is beyond me.

Fourth, war can be eliminated for some short-term period.  Conflict and war can occur only when there are two sides.  If America is subsumed, then it can no longer exist as a different side.  For instance, America created a big problem by trying to oppose Stalin.  What a foolish country we are!  We brought the world to the brink of nuclear annihilation with our stubbornness.  Alas, if my plan had only been adopted at the height of the Cold War, Russia could have sent us 50,000,000 comrades who could have voted in leaders friendly to communism, to completely hijack our policy, and thus there would have been no conflict.  When my plan is finally adopted, Americans will no longer be burdened with a unique political viewpoint to defend.   Only a deluded person would argue that conflict is superior to living a tranquil slave life. 

Fifth, I have it on good authority from someone who works in the State Department that America's current policies are laughed at by foreigners.  This eminent man with knowledge far outweighing that of the American commoner has relayed to me that the French and Germans ridicule us, and especially the crazed Republicans, for our obstinacy in not permitting unlimited numbers of foreigners into the country.  These Europeans are very cultured and wise people, we should do as they think best.

Sixth, the government can be expanded endlessly.  Naturally, when America abolishes its borders, the world's poorest, loneliest, depraved criminals will have the highest incentive to come.  With no families, career, or wealth, they have nothing to lose and everything still to take.  These new voters will do two excellent things: vote for policies obliging the government to hire huge numbers of people (perhaps themselves?) to take wealth from current Americans and give it to future Americans, and additionally, they will commit various types of fraud, placing further demands on the government to grow.  Finally, America can enjoy an all-encompassing government.

It seems to me that this proposal will meet with universal approbation.  I am nothing if not reasonable, though, so in the interests of fairness, let me try to anticipate a few complaints here, trivial as they may be.

One argument may be that there isn't space for six billion new people to be crammed into America.  But this highly ignorant point does not correctly anticipate the future.  Not all of those people will come here.  As new and poorer entrants flood into San Francisco; Boston; New York; and even Kansas, Boise, and so on, America's prosperity will gradually dilute.  As this process continues, an equilibrium will be reached where America becomes as base, poor, dirty, and sick as the rest of the world.  At this point, the incentive for others to come will disappear.  Thus, clearly, not the entire six billion people will come here.

Another complaint may be, what if some of these new elements, which will include war criminals, the mentally insane, communists, jihadists, drug cartels, and rapists, prove too violent?  I will respond: you are seeing the glass as half-empty.  Actually, whatever minor downsides there may be, their entry is highly helpful.  The more violence there is, the more need there will be for government to make new laws clamping down on liberty.  This will naturally provide an excellent path forward for government to assert itself.  Big Brother can go to work for us.

Additionally, these dangerous elements will serve another purpose.  They can help to permanently liquidate any unfortunate holdouts loyal to the extinct so-called American Way (you know, silly stuff, like the First Amendment and private property).  Unfortunately, the current system allows these old-school folk to voice their opinions in relative safety.  But there is no space for that in our brave new future.  It would be very messy indeed if Americans had to fight each other over these issues.  Thankfully, the imports, some of whom have terrific experience as killers, will gladly handle the problems.

In sum, this plan will be an amazing triumph for non-American people, equality, and world peace.  It is remarkable that this plan has not been officially adopted yet, though, thankfully, our leaders have already taken steps in this direction.  This obvious proposal must be implemented to its full extent now.

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