A Democrat's Guide to Moving to Canada
If you were one of the registered living or deceased Democratic voters who made a pledge that if Trump wins, you would be heading north of the border to escape the horrendous possibility of fewer taxes, less government intervention, and fewer handouts, this guide’s for you.
A few tips before you head north. First, if you do keep your promise, bundle up; 22 below zero isn’t uncommon in some cities, but the frostbite scars and missing appendages will make you a living testament to your integrity and show all those people in the lower 57 states you are a person of conviction. Summer isn’t that hot, although highs of 113 degrees have been recorded, but the intense humidity helps you sweat and keeps you more comfortable. Also, watch out for the state bird: it is actually a mosquito.
Once you have crossed the highly secure border -- if your paperwork is in order -- great things await you. If you are polygamous, each one of your wives can get welfare, too.
Because there is “gun control” you can rest easy, as government statistics show that roughly a third of murders are firearm related. On the down side, another third are stabbings, so you might get carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey, but that’s a small price to pay for not having dangerous guns around for self-defense. If you do find yourself with a steak knife sticking out of your torso, “free” healthcare will be something you can look forward to. If you have a job, you know just how large of a chunk of your paycheck is taken to providing this free service, but hey, depending upon which hospital you visit, they may get around to removing your steak knife in a week or two. However, if complications arise, the government “death benefit” will pay you a lump sum of $2,295.85 to be planted, if you can find a really good deal on a casket. Unfortunately, you have to contribute for ten years before you are eligible.
Housing: no problem. Assuming you were totally committed to honoring your promise, you went ahead and sold your Prius (after removing the Hillary bumper stickers) or, if you’re a “big Hollywood star,” your eco-friendly Hummer and your other worldly possessions, and are heading north. Keep in mind that the average price of a house in Vancouver runs $1,513,800.00, but if that’s out of your price range, you can pick up a deal in Toronto for around $450.000.00. If you want to save big and rent, and test the whole “Canadian” thing, rent is around $1,368.00 for a two-bedroom apartment in Vancouver, and in Toronto it costs around $1,288.00
Here’s something you’re sure to like: progressive laws forbid defaming homosexuals and other “special” people, so you could end up in jail for a non-government approved joke or opinion. However, as a dyed-in-the-wool lib, you should be right at home with the restrictions on speech and thought. Just like here, you’re entitled to your own opinion, as long as its government approved.
Good news for animal lovers. If you cherish kitty cats and cuddly puppy dogs, but feel that slaughtering the most helpless creatures on earth is okay, Canada has more laws protecting animals than it has for innocent baby Canadian humans.
By now you’re wondering about food, and if you can maintain your bourgeoisie, capitalistic, semi-vegan diet of humus, cheese, yogurt, wine, and other delights, the answer is a resounding “YES”! There is just one little problem: a gallon of good ol’ USA milk runs about $3.00 (just bought a gallon at wally world for $2.00) while it is upward of $7.00 in the great white north. You can still enjoy eating out, but expect to pay higher prices as the competition in the capitalist U.S. keeps the prices down here much lower. If you prefer to eat healthier, it’s only about $1.50 more a day, which works out to only about $550.00 a year per person.
While gas in the states is around $2.25 per gallon, it’s only $1.19 per liter. Wait, my bad -- there are 3.78 liters in a gallon so gas is around $4.50 per gallon. You’ll probably wish you hadn’t sold your Prius before heading north.
If you are serious about leaving, you might consider a crowdfunding effort to help offset your expenses as almost everything in Canada is more costly, and there are a lot of us “deplorables” (more of us than you, actually) who would love to assist you in your transition.
It’s a win-win, and you really can’t put a price on conviction, eh?
Dennis Evers is a former small town police chief and best-selling author. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org