Bridging Troubled Waters: The Estrogen Convention

Every now and then for reasons no one can figure out someone sends me audio tapes and emails meant for Wikileaks. I just got a new batch and I thought you’d like them.

The first series which I got on Monday seems to be from the Convention Planners. I’ve transcribed the audio to save you time.

A. Planning the Convention

UNIDENTIFIED DNC ORGANIZER: First off, messaging on the Wikileaks DNC emails.

Remember it’s the Russians. When they note the hacking started in June, before Trump was on the scene, just answer the Russians. If they ask if these were authentic, still the same answer: the Russians.

It’s not as if the press would concede that anyone could have done it, including anyone at the DNC or even that they’d have printed them had the hacker sent it to them. And for sure the reporters are too dumb to remember the Pentagon Papers.

I realize that by apologizing to Sanders, we authenticated these emails and it hurts Hillary to suggest that our response to Trump’s joke about the Russians telling us what’s in her destroyed emails on her now destroyed servers was treason -- because it suggests they weren’t about yoga and wedding plans, but contained government secrets. Water under the bridge now -- just say "The Russians” and shake your heads.

I know you’re a bit rattled that on the night before the convention our chairman’s been removed for working with Hillary, but there’s no reason we can’t still make this the best convention ever. I have Debbie’s notes and am working with Hillary’s staff -- Here’s the outline.

Now -- to the convention

Content -- let’s talk content We have to hit these themes: Abortion without restrictions, free stuff -- college, healthcare, amnesty, black lives matters, gun confiscation, I mean “control”, Remember “control”, not confiscation. We have to keep guns in the hands of law enforcement. This is tricky when we claim cops are trying to kill back men with their guns, but I know you can work with the speakers to do this.

FIRST STAFFER: Do we do the usual? Flags on stage? Bunting? Salute to the troops?

ORGANIZER: No -- I want machines to make white noise to cancel out the hecklers. Lots of white noise machines.

SECOND STAFFER; We have to make this a pitch to blacks, illegal aliens, felons, and women.

Let’s get that estrogen flowing. We have to re-re-reintroduce our candidate. Soften the fighter image -- let’s have her in white for her acceptance speech -- you know Madonna like -- Maybe even get someone up there to wear the same dress Melania wore -- a black woman would be good. Try Congresswoman Joyce Beatty. When Melania wore it, Elizabeth Wellington said it was just advertising her white privilege. So we troll the Republicans-- white dresses without white privilege. Speaking of that -- white men -- Be sure to downplay anything by white men. Let’s suck that testosterone right out of the arena.

Here’s the opening day schedule: we’ve got the mother of a drug-addict daughter who’ll talk about how hard it is to raise her daughter’s illegitimate son while her husband (the grandfather) is on disability. Great, isn’t it? What could beat that?

Next, we’ll get an illegal alien to talk about the hardship and prejudice suffered by undocumented aliens. Make sure no one mentions what the cost of these programs means to blacks or the murders and crimes by illegals. Not one word of that.

Felons. We can’t forget those felons.

McAuliffe will get up there and promise to personally sign orders allowing 200,000 ex-convicts to vote in the general election to override the Virginia Supreme Court ruling that his blanket restoration of voting rights was illegal. (Make sure the crowd knows they are supposed to cheer this.)

And we top that off with Paul Simon singing, “Bridge over Troubled Waters”. He is a bit past his prime, but who’ll notice?

What else have we got planned?

I have the second night. Mothers in black. Trayvon Martin’s and Michael Brown’s Mom’s mothers. I know that juries found Martin and Brown’s shootings were justified but our base doesn’t know or care. Who else can we get that well-known for the BLM crowd? And don’t worry, I’ve warned them they cannot hawk t-shirts saying stuff like “hands up don’t shoot” from the platform.

We’re good on diversity. I’ve lined up Sherman Jackson (aka Abdal Hakim Jackson). He’s “an Islamic fundamentalist who rejects any acceptance of homosexual sex, and who is also a religious ally of the Muslim Brotherhood jihad group,” who has defended jihad and pre-modern Islamic punishments, and has allied himself with at least two Islamic groups that were tied into a criminal effort to raise millions of dollars for the Jew-hating Hamas jihad group.”

Perfect, right.

THIRD STAFFER: Speaking of Bill, have the makeup gal spackle his face but good, he’s starting to look moribund and make sure to caffeinate him, he keeps falling asleep when no one’s paying him to talk.

SECOND STAFFER: Humility -- we have to stress humility -- I mean after all, the Wikileaks people will be angry that she rigged this nomination so we have to make it look like she’s surprised and grateful that it fell in her lap.

ORGANIZER: Passionate fighter for the poor, but mostly a soft grandmother and a mother -- we want her doing everything but pumping breast milk for Chelsea up there.

Also a woman of great achievement: what do we have on that?

THIRD STAFFER: she was for getting Obama, I mean Osama, Bin Laden and traveled to 138 countries (I’ll double check that number).

ORGANIZER: Sounds thin -- can’t you pad it up?

I tried. I really tried. There’s wife, mother, grandmother, Bin Laden and the trips. Everything else -- the shootings in Bosnia, the hotshot lawyer in Arkansas, the defender of women and girls have -- (cleared throat) substantial downsides -- like being debunked. Nothing this time about the Clinton foundation. Nothing on Israel.

ORGANIZER: Okay -- then -- we’ll make her the Mother of our Country. Someone who will protect and guide us because we cannot make it otherwise. On our own -- like that fascist Trump says we can.

Now for choreography:

Sit the actual delegates way up in the stands. I want those front rows filled with staffers, lobbyists, our strongest supporters, put the delegates up in the stands so we don’t have to see or hear them. No flags, as I said. No uniformed cops on in the arena -- let them stand outside in the heat with protestors.

Build a four-mile wall around the Convention hall to keep out the protestors -- we’re hearing there will be thousands.

The planning audios cut off at that point but the emails from the DNC at the convention site, provided more information:

SBW: Flags, the Republicans are pointing out we have no American flags on stage -- get some. Even if you have to strip them from city hall to do it.

JW: The demonstrators broke through the wall -- hope those damn cops can keep them out of here. And Gee, I wish Sarandon would stop saying this is the worst night of her life.

PDQ: Some bloggers are pointing out the mass walkout of Bernie supporters. Pay some people to take their seats tomorrow, and lock in the delegates from now on so no can go. Send more wine up to Wolf Blitzer and the gang to keep the cameras off the empty seats.

CECIL: Who the heck put Amber Tamblyn and Ayanna Pressley on the abortion -- I mean reproductive rights panel? I copied what they said, because it’s so stupid I couldn’t remember it otherwise: “Ayanna Pressley, a Boston city councilor at-large, said the issue of men who identify as women getting abortions is all about “elevated consciousness.”

“I would say ultimately all advocacy begins with elevated consciousness and because of movements like Black Lives Matter where you have seen trans women at the fore of that, because of the public accommodations legislation, because of so many things that are happening at a policy level, our consciousness is being elevated,” Pressley said. “I do believe that as our consciousness is elevated we will be better informed, better educated, and we can mobilize around those issues.”

“And again, no single issue, any constituency group,” she added. “The concerns of the trans community go far beyond public accommodation. The concerns of the African-American community go far beyond police brutality.”

When asked if trans women are “being denied their reproductive rights” Pressley was stumped.

“You got me on that one.”

Tamblyn chimed in, arguing that the reproductive rights of trans women are at the forefront of the conversation at Planned Parenthood, where the Grudge 2 star sits on the board of directors.”  

IR: Who’s bright idea was it to invite Medal of Honor winner Florent Groberg to speak -- the audience is heckling him. Not good optics.

JW: Who goofed and let those “Hilliary” signs in and get the cameras off that banner in the third tier attacking her. Why did she say our national motto is “e pluribus unum”? It’s “In God we trust”. I think she got that from Obama.

Porchlight: Balloons! Drop the damn balloons! Good -- Hillary and Bill are acting like they’ve never seen a balloon drop at a convention before. It’s a wrap!

I’d send this stuff on to Assange, but I think he’s got bigger stuff to leak.

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