Our Half-Fast President

Many months ago, a calm and cool (isn’t he always?) Barack Obama was lining up a putt on the 18th hole of the golf course he had installed in the White House basement using funds diverted from the VA budget, as a trembling and very nervous (aren’t they always) presidential aide approached. The aide, barely able to speak, told Obama that ISIS was about to seize Khobani.

After missing his two-footer by inches, our half-fast leader screamed the question, “What do I care about yogurt?  Let the Greeks deal with this. Besides, what does ISIS stand for anyway?”

As it was explained to him that ISIS was an acronym for the Islamic State of Iraq and al Sham, the president sneakily swept his ball into the cup with his right foot.  Then, leaning on his putter, he turned his head and looked up, far into the distance.  He did this with resolve, a true leader, chest puffed, with an expression polling had told him was just serious enough to show gravitas, but not so serious as to display panic. He paused for a moment for effect, and turning to the official White House photographer standing nearby asked, “Did you get that?  That’s what we’ll run tomorrow. We can save it too, in case some famous pro golfer dies.” 

The aide, now sweating like the pilot in the movie Airplane, explained that Khobani was a Kurdish enclave, straddling the border between Syria and Turkey.

Ignoring the latest information, our half-fast president, waving his putter in the air for emphasis, bellowed, “Well, get me this “Al Sham” guy on the phone and we’ll find out why he is so interested in Greek yogurt.” 

Al Shams the world over shuddered in fear. 

Moments later, confessing, “Malia loves the stuff,” he directed “We had better practice that smart diplomacy I’ve brought to foreign affairs. We don’t want a yogurt crisis and we don’t want to do stupid sh#t, so let’s get out in front of this. First, though… let’s find out what Valerie thinks.”

Dear Leader took the oath of office in January of 2009… actually, he took it twice, because the first time he didn’t repeat the oath word for word as read to him -- big minds have big thoughts that get in the way of little things like “Repeat after me.”

But, I digress.

When he was sworn in as the President of the United States, everything about big-time Barry was gung ho, full speed ahead.  He had to have his trillion-dollar stimulus to reward political backers and crony capitalist supporters. Then he had to have his ObamaCare, in order for “the people” to know he could get big things done -- with his name on them, of course.

Yet, since then, he has been Barack held back (you know, that whole separation of powers thing). Everything about him, and what he has done since his first two years in office, has been at half speed, half-fast, if you will. 

There you have it America, Barry is our half-fast president, with slightly less than 2 years of half-fast leadership to go.

Time has passed and ISIS is now the Islamic State, running a caliphate gifted to them when bad-boy Barry decided he didn’t need to negotiate a Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA), which would have left a token force of American troops in Iraq to protect the gains made during a decade of lost blood and treasure. At that second, Iraq was lost, even if Barry and Biden (a good name for a comedy team… no?) have claimed in the past Iraq was Obama’s greatest foreign affairs achievement.

When the last American soldier left Iraq, the Iranians moved in. 

Now, Iraq, what little of the original state remains, is an Iranian vassal state, which doesn’t sit well with ISIS, the Iranians being Shiites, while followers of the ISIS are Sunnis. 

Both hate us and want to see us dead, even if they have to behead or burn to death each and every one of us, which is exactly why Barack the Brave is supporting Iranian actions against ISIS with airstrikes.

Obama has also decided that the root cause of Islamic terrorism (although he won’t say the words “Islamic terrorism”) is a lack of economic opportunity in Islamic society at the community level. In other words, Muslims need jobs.

So, if you find yourself kneeling down and about to have your head cut off, turn and offer the sword wielding “violent extremist” standing behind you a job. 

You see, Barry wants the world to know that he’s not afraid of “violent extremists.  He wants to be seen as a Matthew McConaghy type, you get it, really cool, like in "True Detective" and more importantly, his commercials. 

“I drive a Lincoln.  I was driving a Lincoln before there was a Lincoln, because if I was not driving a Lincoln, I would not be driving a Lincoln today.” 

Only Barry is driving America. Where? Who knows or cares, at least he’s in a Lincoln, and he always considered himself Lincolnesque.

But again, I digress.

The Iranians have done extremely well under Half-Fast Obama. They control Hizb’allah, and thus, Lebanon as well as what’s left of Syria proper and they have full control of what’s left of Iraq, and since the Houthis (another Shiite sect allied with Tehran) have seized control of government in Yemen, most of that country as well. 

Barry, once cited Yemen as a successful case of his “smart” foreign policy, you know, drone softly and carry a selfie-stick. Well… we’ve just abandoned our embassy and two-stepped our way out of the country, our soldiers destroying their weapons at the airport, because disarming in front of our enemy/frenemy/ally, was important to our half-fast president. 

Don’t worry about Yemen, however, AQAP (al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula), a Sunni terrorist group, some say with ties to ISIS, will fight the Iranians for what’s left.

Let’s keep score: Iran basically controls the national capitals of Beirut, Damascus, Baghdad, and Sana’a, that’s Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, and Yemen. Barry has us flying air support in Iran’s Shiite battle to the death with the Islamic State’s Sunni fighters, while Sunni Terrorists (al Qaeda and the Islamic State) control more land than ever, including parts of Africa, making particularly strong showings with Boko Haram (no relation to Procol Harum, the band) in Nigeria and ISIS in Libya.    

Why worry? Our Half-Fast President is diligently working on a treaty with Iran to stop their program to acquire nuclear weapons. Wait, did I say stop? Well, it started out that way, but now it seems more likely it will be a “peace in our time” moment, which accepts Iran as a nuclear power and regional hegemon. 

At this point, the rumor is that the main sticking point is the name of the agreement. Barry insists it must be the Barack Obama Accords for World Peace -- and if not that, then something properly reverential to, and including, his name.

Those Sunnis in Saudi Arabia must be passing pickles. Those poor bastards don’t have half-fast Barry. 

Our president knows that despite the Iranians saying since 1979 that America is the “Great Satan’ which needs to be eliminated, they don’t mean it. And, those ballistic missiles they have been busy building, that they hope one day can reach the eastern seaboard of the United States are not something to worry about. 

Iran will be a responsible member of the nuclear club.  Period.

Lucky us… we have Barack Obama, our half-fast president. 

Just imagine where we would be if he were still full-speed.