The Occupiers' World Awaits

My most heartfelt wish for the mindless minions currently "Occupy[ing] Wall Street" is that someday, hopefully soon, they get to live in a world based upon their dim-witted delusions.  Actually, though, if these collectivist cretins are indeed serious, that world is already here.

It's called the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (aka communist North Korea).  In North Korea, there are no evil corporations or banks to ruin Occupiers' lives, because another pair of collectivist cretins, Kim Il-sung and his creepy son Kim Jung-il, got rid of them long ago.  In fact, along with ridding North Korea of everything other than the glorious state, the Kim Klan has either already met most of the Occupier's nattering demands or simply made them superfluous.

For demands one (that is not a typo -- there are a lot of demands in demand one), "the restoration of the living wage," North Korea has followed the Occupiers' proposed playbook and ended "Freetrade [sic]" by creating a trade-free society.  Additionally, in North Korea, there is no need to slap "trade tariffs" on imports of "cheap products" to "level the playing field" because the Kims have created an import-free society as well.  As for the "twenty dollar an hour minimum wage" demand,  life is just too short (literally) in the Kimdom to worry about something so inconsequential when one is privileged to live under the cradle-to-(early-)grave care of the "Dear Leader."

Demand two, "a universal single payer healthcare system," was instituted way back in 1948.  For more than sixty years now, all of North Korea's lucky citizens have received the same horrendous level of medical treatment.  The Occupiers will be heartened to know that everyone does his or her "fair share" of suffering.  And fear not, dear Occupiers -- because the government is in charge, greedy private insurers cannot take money away from doctors, nurses, and hospitals...because there is no money.  But the biggest benefit is that there are no big pharmaceutical companies to stick it to the average North Korean by producing life-saving drugs (or any drugs, for that matter) and selfishly expecting payment for them.   

There is really good news when it comes to demand three, a "[g]uaranteed living wage income regardless of employment."  The cost of living (i.e., barely surviving) is real cheap in North Korea, with the average North Korean living (i.e., barely surviving) on one dollar per month.  Additionally, there are almost no jobs, so employment is not a concern. 

The good news just keeps coming as the benevolent Kims have already met demand four: "free college education."  But there are a few strings attached, such as that you do not get to go to the college of your choice, if you get to go at all; that would be up to the state.  Also, sometimes the benevolent North Korean government might decide to send you to a re-education institution instead (maybe for publicly demonstrating, or just because it feels like it).  But, on the bright side, there are no student loans to pay off -- only the continued payment of a lifelong servitude to the state.

Demand five is one the Kim Klan has made unnecessary: "begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand."  There is no economy in North Korea, so there is no need to fuel it.  However, on the bright side, the North Koreans do use an alternative energy -- burning feces -- to heat their homes during the winter.

Demand six is another superfluous petition: "One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now."  The Kims have made it so North Korea does not need roads and bridges because no one can afford a car anyway, and an electrical grid is just a wasted expense in a country with barely any electricity.  Anyway, the Dear Leader already makes sure everyone gets his "fair share" of electricity, and he has been quite generous and innovative with North Korea's water and sewer systems; both openly run together through the streets.

The Occupier's seventh demand of "[o]ne trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America's nuclear power plants" maybe one demand too far even for the little miracle worker Kim Jung Il.  First off, North Korea is a Democratic People's Republic and, as in all Democratic Peoples' Republics, ecology is always the state's official number one concern so any restoration is simply not needed.  Second, there is very little the Dear Leader can do to personally shut down America's nuclear power plants but maybe he can get the Obama Administration to do so as a concession the next time he throws a fit and threatens to blow up the world. 

Demand eight for a "[r]acial and gender equal rights amendment" is not necessary because all North Koreans are the same race and regardless of gender all are treated like prisoners.  Of course, all the Occupiers are not of the same race (though 99% are white) but, rest assured, the Dear Leader would be more than glad to treat them like prisoners too.

Though not specifically meeting demand nine for "[o]pen borders migration. anyone [sic] can travel anywhere to work and live," at least the Kim Klan does not discriminate (like the evil U.S.) in its border policies.  Simply put, no one is allowed in or out of North Korea, and if you do leave, your family will be imprisoned and/or killed.  The policy is a bit brutal, but it is equally implemented, so at least it is "fair."

Demand number ten is something about "fair elections," which is moot because there are no elections in North Korea.  Thus, everyone fairly and equally has the right not to vote, so there is no chance that Wall Street money will corrupt the political process.  And not having elections provides the extra benefit of doing away with the necessity for racist policies like requiring photo ID at the polling places.

Demand eleven, "[i]mmediate across the board debt forgiveness for all," has been met in spades.  The North Korean government unilaterally forgives all of its debts by simply refusing to pay (not that it could).  And of course there is no consumer debt, because there is nothing to consume. 

Demand twelve, to "[o]utlaw all credit reporting agencies," like universal health care, was taken care of in 1948.  Regrettably, some shooting was involved.

And finally, demand thirteen is about the right of the worker to easily unionize.  Everyone already knows that there is no need for unions in a worker's paradise like North Korea.  All citizens voluntarily work for the good of the state because failing to do so will get them shot.  Also, there are barely any jobs in North Korea, so that is another reason why unionizing is not an issue.

Maybe in the next "lies for food and oil" swindle Kim Jong-il perpetrates on the morons in the U.S. State Department, we could at least throw in a few thousand Occupiers as part of the deal.  Everyone would win: 99.999% of Americans would be rid of these fools, and the Occupiers would get to live in the world they demand.

David P. McGinley, an attorney from McLean, VA, is a visiting professor at Handong International Law School in South Korea.