A Freak of a Councilman Stops the Cookie Monsters

Thank God for New Castle, New York Democrat (of course) Councilman Michael Wolfensohn. This week, in an incredible display of bravery and foresight, he prevented what could have been a catastrophe and a miscarriage of justice. All Americans owe him a debt of gratitude.

Here's the story. 

Last month, two nefarious Jewish 13-year-olds by the sinister names of Andrew and Kevin decided to set up a bake stand selling cupcakes, cookies, brownies, and Rice Krispie treats for a buck a piece in the local park. The first day, the two delinquents pulled in $120. They spent $60 of that cash to buy a cart from Target, allowing them to stock Gatorade and water alongside their smorgasbord of evil desserts.

The capitalist conspiracy was blossoming. In fact, it was beginning to threaten people everywhere with the dark hand of carbohydrates and the dreaded concept of...wait for it...growth!

Fortunately, our intrepid hero Michael Wolfensohn was on the scene. He quickly pulled out his cell phone and called the cops to report the reprobates for operating their cookie stand without a license. The police soon arrived and shut down the dangerous baked goods operation. "All vendors selling on town property have to have a license, whether it's boys selling baked goods or a hot dog vendor," Wolfensohn said proudly afterward while being given the key to the city. (It was actually the Alfred E. Neuman Award for Conspicuous Bravery, but the press must have missed that.)

If it weren't for people like Wolfensohn, the world would be full of entrepreneurial and resourceful children just waiting to get their grubby little hands on our hard-earned cash by selling us goods and services. Wolfensohn didn't just stand up for the Atkins Diet. He stood up against exploitation, Wall Street-style greed, and tax evasion among our youth.

Besides, you never know when one of these nasty kids might decide to start a lemonade stand. The horror! No doubt Wolfensohn soon will be cruising the city in his Segway looking for small children on whom he can call the FDA.

Wolfensohn sure taught these kids their lesson. Now Andrew and Kevin know better than to start businesses without telling Big Brother -- oops, the government -- first. Next time, in fact, Andrew and Kevin won't even bother to start anything -- a typical permit requires a $1-million certificate of insurance and a fee of at least $150 every two hours.

And it's not just the expense that will keep them away -- Wolfensohn's Wyatt Earp imitation has terrified the cookie monsters. Kevin's mother, Laura Graff, says the child outlaws were scared by the police call and haven't set up shop anywhere since. Just the kind of mind-deadening result that all boneheaded liberals wish to unleash on everyone else. They're brain-dead -- why shouldn't others be, too?

Speaking of brain-dead, the Obama administration ought to hire Wolfensohn to run their economic policy -- Wolfensohn seems to be right in line with the Obamanomics notion that regulation and taxation have no impact on businesses, no matter how many businesses close their doors.

Wolfensohn turned Andrew and Kevin into good little Europeans. Whereas before, the two bar mitzvah boys raised money for charity projects including Haitian earthquake victims and a local children's hospital, now they know that the government can simply charge them business fees, relieving them of the need to give to charity altogether. Whereas before, the two kids wanted to make money, reinvest that money, and create profits for themselves, jobs for their friends, and benefits for others, now they know that such minutia is the purview only of the government. 

That's why I thank God for Wolfensohn. We need dimwit numskulls like Wolfensohn to remind Americans just why they loathe bureaucrats. You can bet that Andrew and Kevin will remember for life how their booming business was shut down by a nitpicking doofus who thought that permitting fees was more important than inculcation of entrepreneurial, self-reliant values in children.

The values we instill in our kids last with them throughout their lives. Andrew's and Kevin's parents obviously instilled values of hard work and creativity, yet the chief task of people like Wolfensohn and too many of our public school administrators is to beat those values out of them, to retrain Andrew and Kevin so that they accept their limited role as little Volkswagons saluting the powers that be.

Want to know why today's boys will grow into tomorrow's girly men? Look no farther than Wolfensohn, who used to be a boy before he grew up into today's girly man. Maybe he was beaten up by a roving pack of muffins when he was a kid. Maybe he was once offered a glass of free lemonade by a little girl who then charged him $500 for the antidote. Maybe his testosterone levels are approaching Justin Bieber levels. Or maybe he just grew up in a typical liberal household and learned to bow to those who would destroy freedom in the name of the administrative, authoritarian society.

In any case, the town of New Castle should reward its hero with early retirement and a sales permit for the local park. Then he can take his crap over to the park and peddle it whenever he feels like it.

Carol A. Taber is president of FamilySecurityMatters.org.