TO: All American Thinker employees
As you may know, one of the most insensitive trends in American public life has been the recent "Going Green" phenomenon. Going Green has affected all areas of public life, including, unfortunately, the workplace. You may have observed fellow employees indulging in this elitist, Going Green behavior. Often these individuals will try to disguise their beliefs and activities with code words like "eco-friendly," or "environmentally aware" which are usually meant to excuse or explain away attitudes that have more relevance to the late 20th century than to the progressive consciousness we all want to promote today.
Please consider this and share it with your co-workers: more than 70% of our Mother Earth is covered not in green, but in blue. That's right. Like a ballpark pretzel in a rain delay, Mama E is big, salty, and wet. Unfortunately, too many Americans suffer from an outmoded view of life on our blue planet that can only be described as "terra-centric." They associated exclusively with other air-breathers and seem to believe the earth should be kept entirely green simply because they wish to keep oxygen producing green plants in abundance, inhaling these riches as if the rest of the planet does not matter. Don't believe you are guilty? Are there any Humpback whales living in your neighborhood? If any tried to move in, would they be welcome? Think about it.
It is up to all of us to promote a more ocean-friendly atmosphere here at the magazine. Note the following steps AT is taking toward Going Blue:
*Beginning immediately! there will be no gill-netting in the offices or other workspace of this publication. No exceptions.
*In our kitchen/dining area: Coffee for our machines will be purchased only from those distributors willing to certify their beans have been harvested in a manner in which no dolphins have been harmed. Food vending machines will contain some selections featuring the following: kelp, plankton, krill, algae. Eating Blue is a real way to remember than on a planet with 362 million trillion gallons of saltwater, the most important part of a healthy lifestyle is Vitamin-Sea!
*Few Terrapod-Americans realize the difficulties our ocean-going brethren have in moving about areas of the work environment that are not "aqua-accessible." These include spaces like sidewalks, hallways, escalators, and parking lots where, in many cases, navigable water is nowhere to be found. In a show of solidarity with the millions in our finned family, on the third Friday of each month, all employees will wear scuba fins to work. We hope making Fin Fridays a regular part of the office experience here will help us all understand just how hurtful it is to use phrases like "like a fish out of water."
*Speaking of the above, gill-phobic expressions of any kind are inappropriate at the workplace. Just as "It's corny" would not be appreciated in the Green world, "Something's fishy" is similarly insensitive and minimizes the essential role the ocean and its inhabitants have played in global civilization.
*At the "Green is Mean/We're Blue for You!" rally and consciousness-raising event downtown in which we're participating later this year, we will be sponsoring the Ocean's Beachin' Children's Sand Play Area. Our emphasis will be in discouraging the kids from making exclusionary, terra-centric structures like sandcastles. Instead, we want to encourage them to use the sand to create tide pool dioramas, "sand tsunami," and red tide shores that celebrate the diversity of our oceans.
*We are cognizant of the popularity of beach volleyball contests at our annual office picnic. If there is anything more entertaining than watching Andy in Sales diving for a lob and losing his Speedo, it is watching Amber from the Graphics Department do the same. However, we need to realise beach volleyball isn't quite so much fun for the sand fleas, mole crabs, beach hoppers, and assorted arthro- and isopods that call the sand home and whose fragile environments are threatened with each spike. Giving up our beach volleyball tournament is a small price to pay for an increased awareness of just how threatening Going Green is to the big blue ball where we all live. (Note that this change will also have a two-pronged effect, allowing those on our staff who have serious allergies to tanning lotions to participate in our picnics.) [Note from HR: It is insensitive to refer to disabilities in a potentially negative way. Those allergic to tanning lotions should be referred to as "cocoa-butter challenged." Please make this change in the final copy.]
*Finally, the grunts, bellows, shrieks, and keening emanating from the editorial offices here will be understood for what they are: a sensitivity to the language and communicative customs of the newest Affirmative Action-mandated members of our American Thinker team who chose to speak in Whale. [HR note: Shouldn't we be referring to these employees as Cetacean-Americans?]