Thank you very, very much. You see us poor helpless inferior blacks (oh forgive me, I must be politically correct, "African Americans"), and you want to help us using your superior intellect. After all, we could not possibly succeed in this racist, homophobic and greedy country without your assistance.
I first met you guys in the 70s when I attended the prestigious Maryland Institute College of Art on a scholarship. A black kid from the ghetto, I found myself amongst white kids from well to do families. I worked a part-time job to cover my books and art supplies. You guys did not have to work.
And yet, I remember many conversations about how you would never bring a child into this "freaking world" and how "freaking screwed up" this "freaking country is". You told me how "freaking selfish" your "freaking parents" were and how they only cared about "freaking money". Then, you drove off in your convertible given to you be your "freaking parents" as I stood at the bus stop.
I can not thank you enough for the numerous times you shared your expensive premmo weed with me. While I enjoyed the free weed (of which I've long ceased to indulge) and rebellious chicks, in all honesty, I could not figure out what you were so p-o-ed about.
So, now you former hippie boomers are in total control of government, colleges and public schools, still selling your Utopian message of peace and love. Thanks for getting rid of black dads in the home via your welfare programs. I mean, everyone knows dads are cruel chauvinists who beat and molest their kids.
Oh, and thanks for encouraging schools to accept black kids speaking Ebonics rather than English. It would be racist to expect us simple minded colored folks to learn to speak English correctly. And besides, we don't want our black kids sounding too white. Authentic blacks must sound like the hood, love rap and Kentucky Fried. I would never trust any black that eats "sushi"; which is probably what those traitors, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas eat. If Justice Thomas would have answered his phone with a "What up!" and a heartfelt "A-muri-ka sucks", the NAACP would have championed him as a true brother faithful to his blackness. Sadly, Rice and "Uncle Thomas" as we call him, chose the character, education and hard work route to success. How disgusting!
Yes, you libs are soooo good to us. I really appreciate "b" actresses like Janeane Garofalo putting that Uncle Tom, RNC Chairman, Michael Steele in his place when she said he suffered from Stockholm Syndrome. How dare he not view himself as a victim of white America. How dare he empower young blacks with the knowledge that they can achieve without liberal intervention. What an ungrateful, well, you know the word I'm thinking. It begins with an "N".
In closing, you libs, please keep up the good work. With your continued diligence, we minorities and most Americans will not have to work or be responsible for anything. Your president is in the process of confiscating the wealth from those greedy rich white SOBs and redistributing it to us. Right on!
Now, if I can just figure out how to tie my shoes all by myself. But if I can't, I know you libs are there for me. Fighting back tears of overwhelming gratitude, again, I thank you.
Lloyd Marcus, Singer/Songwriter of the "American Tea Party Anthem", is President, NAACPC (National Association for the Advancement of Conservative People of Color) and star of the Lloyd Marcus TV Show.