April 20, 2009
The carbon neutral man
Medical science has discovered the world's first carbon neutral man, Artyom Sidorkin. Alas, the full import of the discovery has been ignored. As so often is the case, chance had something to do with this breakthrough.
In 1928, a London breeze transported some mold spores through an open window and gently placed them upon the discarded petri dish of a Scottish research scientist, leading to the discovery of penicillin. This Alexander Fleming discovery began an antibiotic revolution that eventually brought about a cure for many of the bacterial diseases that ravaged the human community. Recently, in Russia, a serendipitous wind carried a spruce tree seed up the nose of Artyom Sidorkin. Perhaps, this chance occurrence, will one day lead to the cure for global warming and climate change.
The Sidorkin saga began when he unwittingly inhaled a spruce tree seed. Miraculously, the tree, without sunlight and earth, took root and began to grow in one of his lungs. Not feeling quite his self, Sidorkin sought medical counseling. Eventually, he received x-rays, and ended up in surgery. Assuming a cancerous tumor, the doctors instead found he had grown a two-inch tree in one of his lungs. Foolishly, the surgeons removed the tree.
The Russian surgeons were foolish because Artyom Sidorkin, prior to his surgery, was on his way to living a life without a carbon footprint. According to environmental scientists, a middle size tree absorbs as much CO2 through its leaves as a man exhales out his lungs. In other words, the more Sidorkin's tree grew, the more ecologically friendly he became. But all that changed with the surgery.
Nevertheless, what is important now is that the world of science understands that the human lung has the capacity for growing trees. I call upon our greatest minds to do everything in their power to perfect this process. With the help of our leading scientists and entrepreneurs, I see a future world populated not of men and women, but of carbon free men-trees and women-trees.
A future world of men-trees and women-trees will provide other advantages too. Take Christmas. Every year, millions of trees are cut down and artificial (environmentally unfriendly) Christmas trees are purchased. One day, people will neither cut down nor purchase. They will simply stand grandpa in the corner of the living room and decorate him.
Needless to say, there are skeptics about Sidorkin actually hosting a tree in his lungs. But Al Gore knows how to refute them: call them deniers. In fact, Gore, whose speaking style is acknowledged to be wooden, may actually have preceded Sidorkin in this innovation, and is merely waiting for universal adoption of CFL light bulbs before asking the public to follow his example and plant an internal tree to save the planet.
As man-tree science grows, every individual will one day get to choose what type of tree he or she wants grown within. Each person will not only get to grow spruces, but maples, elms and oaks. And when grandma passes away, she will be buried in the backyard, and every autumn her family will think of her when they eat her apples.
With the advent of man-tree technology, the day will come when nature and humanity will stand together as never before. Squirrels will jump from one person to another, unafraid. Birds will land on heads and build nests in armpits. Tree hugging will take on a new meaning and everyone will think green.