Senator Obama, the latest news is that this presidential election is close, that there is, ahem, some possibility that you might, er, lose. I offer you some tips to keep your campaign on track. Back in July I recommended to Senator McCain that he should choose Sarah Palin for VP. He took my advice and you see what that did for him. You might want to listen to me.
1. Keep doing what you have been doing. In the primaries you beat the supposedly "inevitable" winner, Hillary Clinton, and a gaggle of Democrats more experienced than you, by doing your thing. And your thing is making speeches, speeches well-salted with "hope", "change" and your analyses of our problems and your solutions. Problems like energy and health care, with solutions like proper tire pressure and eating more vegetables. So keep it up. Don't change strategy mid-campaign. Dance with the lady you brought to the prom.
2. America loves black culture. More hip-hop music is bought by whites than blacks. So keep giving those speeches "using inner-city African-American tones and locutions," as Camille Paglia described. Voters love that. In fact, I think it would be fine to bring the Reverend Jeremiah Wright back into your fold. As John McWhorter explained, "Obama knows that anti-whitey sermons are, in 2008, Sunday morning's gangsta rap - infectious confection." Voters need to hear that.
3. Keep letting the people know that if they don't vote for you they are isolating themselves from the world. The world wants you as President of the US. Russians would vote for you. Eighty percent of the French would vote for you. You are favored by Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Muammar Qaddafi, leaders of Hamas and the Communist Party USA. I'm not yet sure what Robert Mugabe's take on you is, but it wouldn't hurt to seek his endorsement. You are the Candidate of the World; let it show.
4. Voters love to see uppity females get their comeuppance. You did that once by beating Hillary Clinton in the primaries. Do it again by going after Sarah Palin with that same energy and attitude. Even more attitude.
5. Voters like to feel superior, and they especially like to think they will be voting for the superior candidate. Make a point of illuminating your own superiority by showing the inferiority of others. If you can do that by also revealing how well you understand them, you get the twofer of showing empathy and superiority in one fell swoop. Show them that you know how "a typical white person" thinks. Show them that you know how small-town people cling to God and guns because of their bitterness. Make clear to them that you shop at Whole Foods and not Walmart. Let them know that your wife makes more money ($316,962 in 2005) by doing community outreach than Sarah Palin makes as Governor of Alaska ($125,000).
6. Capitalize on your first major decision as Presidential candidate: choosing Joe Biden as your Vice Presidential running mate. Be seen with Joe as much as possible. Make sure Joe makes major appearances every day. Let him speak his heart.
7. Give no quarter to the Republicans and their Karl Rovian campaign tricks. Since John McCain tries to play up his biography, use Jimmy Carter as your surrogate to let people know that that POW story is getting old. Speaking of "old", remind people of McCain's age every chance you get. Maybe compare him to your grandmother. Since Sarah Palin cannot seem to hide her identity as a woman, especially with the press taking so many pictures of her, use the Clintons, Bill and Hillary, to show the voters who should get the woman vote. Speaking of Sarah Palin, belittle her every chance you get. Let people know how irrelevant a governor is, how irrelevant a mayor is, how irrelevant Alaska is, how irrelevant small towns are and how irrelevant having a basketball team's worth of kids is. In fact, challenge her to one-on-one basketball.
8. Keep Iraq in the picture. You got into this race to get the US out of Iraq. Never forget that. Let the voters know you were anti-surge back when it was popular. The peace movement is the backbone of your support. Feature that peace activist, Bill Ayers, in your campaign. Campaign with Code Pink. Hit the fund-raising circuit with Cindy Sheehan. Let the voters know that Ed Asner speaks for you, as do Matt Damon, Pamela Anderson and so many other foreign policy experts.
9. Remind people of your own background and achievements. You went to Harvard. You are a lawyer. You were a part-time college instructor. You grew up on the mean streets of Honolulu. You were an Illinois State Senator for eight whole years. You are now the junior Senator from Illinois and, even though it is still only your first term, you have an even more liberal voting record than your senior Senator, Dick Durbin. That could even be a campaign theme: Dick Durbin -- not liberal enough.
10. Imagery. Never forget imagery and its powers. Loved the stadium with the Greek columns at your acceptance speech. Try to use stadiums more often, but with spotlights ringing the stadium like pillars of light pointing up into the infinity of space. Always look up, as if you see farther than us, and see things we cannot see. Your image is so inspiring, get your picture everywhere, from fake dollar bills to fake Presidential seals. Get banners made with your image on them and hang them everywhere. It worked for Stalin; it will work for you. Take down those pictures of Che in your campaign offices and replace them with pictures of you. All Obama, all the time. The undecideds love looking at you.
There, I hoped that helped. But you don't have to thank me. In fact, I'll throw in one more for free: tip your teleprompter operators well. And I look forward to your one-on-one basketball with Sarah.