[In the spirit of April Fool's Day satire, it is time to examine some new policy options — editor]
The problem with the Mexican border is Mexico itself. We're just as close to Mexico as Mexico is to us, right? But you don't see a lot of Americans sneaking into Mexico to find a better way of life, do you? On the other hand, if you lived just south of the greatest nation on the face of the earth and your own country was stuck in third—world paralysis, wouldn't you make a run for the border?
The land mass of Mexico, according to the World Fact Book, is slightly less that three times the size of Texas. It declared its independence from a European power, Spain, in 1810. It is a federal republic with 31 states and a federal district. The government consists of an executive branch, a legislative branch and a judicial branch. It has an office of the President, elected by popular vote. It has political parties. It also has a free market economy. So what's the problem? Forty percent of its residents are below the poverty line.
As you watch gas prices increase daily in America, consider this: Mexico has 18 billion barrels of proven oil reserves and is exporting over 1.8 million barrels a day. Compare that with Texas, which produces just over 1 million barrels a day; California, which produces just less than 1 million barrels per day; and Louisiana, which produces 200,000 barrels per day. (The ANWR reserves would produce about 1.4 million barrels a day (for starters), if Democrats would allow it to do so). The point is this: rather than continue to allow illegal immigration to literally be a tax on Americans, let's just annex the place. It's time for a little payback. Mexico has made the U.S. its welfare office for years; now we'll take their natural resources for our own. It's not as if Mexico wouldn't benefit... it will be their citizens that will be employed in this undertaking.
The first step in this plan is to get solid leadership in the office of Mexican President. Mexicans living in America are now eligible to vote in Mexican elections. In fact, candidates running to replace Vincente Fox in 2006 are set to begin their campaigns in... Los Angeles! If this is the way were going, with Mexicans in America having a substantial influence on politics down Mexico way, then let's give them a candidate with American know—how. My choice is Rudy Giuliani.
Guiliani turned New York City around in eight years. Now, the President of Mexico gets one term of six years. I believe Rudy can get the job done in that amount of time. After all, New York City was ruled by corrupt administrations prior to his arrival, just like Mexico. It allowed dependency and poverty to be the normal way of life, just like Mexico. It had no plan to bring new life to its economy, just like Mexico. It let drug dealers and other criminals to run its streets, just like Mexico. Yes, Rudy is right for the job.
Guiliani wants to be President of the United States. He could serve his country better by serving her from a new Southern White House in Mexico City. His first order of business is to announce that Mexico will be known by its formal name, 'The United Mexican States' or 'U.M.S.' Self—esteem, as we've all been told, goes a long way.
El Presidente Guiliani will also place the Mexican armed forces on their northern border (facing south) and announce a new policy: 'If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.'
Viva Rudy! 2006!