The Great Koran Flush Caper

Keeping the world safe from Koran flushers is no easy job. The desperate criminals who partake in the practice must be hunted down like animals, clapped in irons, and thrown in the pokey for their transgressions.

Free speech you say? Not when there's a hate crime statute to enforce. Portraying the crucified Christ in urine is one thing. That, of course, is art - as anyone who has been to the Guggenheim Museum can tell you. Placed along side the statue of Mary made out of cow dung and other uplifting examples of the pure expression of the best in the human soul, these masterpieces belong with the Monet's and Renoir's in the pantheon of soul stirring artwork - sort of like "The DaVinci of Piss" or "The Madonna of Scat."

The criminal who threw not one but two Korans into toilets at Pace University has been apprehended after an almost perhaps unprecedented investigation:

A 23-year-old man was arrested Friday on hate-crime charges after he threw a Quran in a toilet at Pace University on two separate occasions, police said.

Stanislav Shmulevich of Brooklyn was arrested on charges of criminal mischief and aggravated harassment, both hate crimes, police said. It was unclear if he was a student at the school. A message left at the Shmulevich home was not immediately returned.

The Islamic holy book was found in a toilet at Pace's lower Manhattan campus by a teacher on Oct. 13. A student discovered another book in a toilet on Nov. 21, police said.

Muslim activists had called on Pace University to crack down on hate crimes after the incidents. As a result, the university said it would offer sensitivity training to its students.

Throw the book at him! - just don't aim it at a toilet. Not one but two felony counts for throwing a book into a loo. "Criminal Mischief" indeed. Dennis the Menace has grown up and begun to terrorize Gotham. Time to crackdown on these hardened felons by getting them into "sensitivity training" courses and holding the equally tough "Interfaith Dialogues" to deter future free speech law breakers from carrying out similar Crimes Against Diversity.

Let this be a warning: All who express themselves in unacceptable ways will be dealt with harshly. We will not tolerate hate in any form - except when it's directed against Christians, Jews, white males, and those not sufficiently progressive in their thinking.

By the way, I seem to have lost my copy of the Constitution. I know it's around here somewhere...