Don’t forget to steal his wallet

So you’re walking down the street with an attitude, and you pass somebody you wanna beat up.  Maybe he said something that got under your skin.  Or maybe he looked at you in a way that screamed disrespect.  Or maybe he just had a face that needed punching.  No matter.

So long as your reasons for beating him up are just plain punk crazy, wail away.  You might be arrested, of course, and charged with aggravated assault.  Then you’ll cop a plea and get parole along with a stern warning.  Or, if you’ve done this sort of thing before, you’ll likely spend a few months in a county facility.  No big deal, really.  Because, as you know, some faces need some punching.

But listen up now.  If your trash-talking, disrespecting, puffy-faced chump happens to be a certain kind of person, things may not go so well for you.  If he’s black (and you’re not), or looks foreign (and you don’t), or seems gay (and you aren’t), or if he’s a few other things that you aren’t, then you better be careful.  Because if you beat up a person who doesn’t look or act like you, you could be charged with a hate crime, and that could mean serious trouble.

Hate crimes get the attention of the feds, and when the feds get involved, all bets are off.  Forget the plea deal and the parole or the short time in a local jail.  If you’re suspected of a hate crime, you’re going to trial.  And if you’re found guilty, you’re facing years in a federal pen.

At trial, the feds will want to prove that you’re guilty of hating.  Yeah, we all know that you hated the chump’s disrespectfulness or whatever, but that’s not the kind of hate we’re talking about.  The feds will try to prove that you hate the kind of person he is.  They’re going to try to prove that you are filled with hatred toward blacks in general, or foreigners in general, or gays in general.  And you’re going to have to prove that you don’t.

Fortunately, there’s an easy way to do this, and it doesn’t require showing that your best friends are that kind of person.  It involves only committing another crime.  But what the hell, it keeps the feds away, so no big deal.  (And besides, if you don’t get caught, it also puts some money in your pocket.)

Do not forget this: After you’re done with beating him up, steal his wallet.  Now you’ve got yourself a motive.  You’re guilty of mugging, not hatred.  And the feds can pound sand.

So you’re walking down the street with an attitude, and you pass somebody you wanna beat up.  Maybe he said something that got under your skin.  Or maybe he looked at you in a way that screamed disrespect.  Or maybe he just had a face that needed punching.  No matter.

So long as your reasons for beating him up are just plain punk crazy, wail away.  You might be arrested, of course, and charged with aggravated assault.  Then you’ll cop a plea and get parole along with a stern warning.  Or, if you’ve done this sort of thing before, you’ll likely spend a few months in a county facility.  No big deal, really.  Because, as you know, some faces need some punching.

But listen up now.  If your trash-talking, disrespecting, puffy-faced chump happens to be a certain kind of person, things may not go so well for you.  If he’s black (and you’re not), or looks foreign (and you don’t), or seems gay (and you aren’t), or if he’s a few other things that you aren’t, then you better be careful.  Because if you beat up a person who doesn’t look or act like you, you could be charged with a hate crime, and that could mean serious trouble.

Hate crimes get the attention of the feds, and when the feds get involved, all bets are off.  Forget the plea deal and the parole or the short time in a local jail.  If you’re suspected of a hate crime, you’re going to trial.  And if you’re found guilty, you’re facing years in a federal pen.

At trial, the feds will want to prove that you’re guilty of hating.  Yeah, we all know that you hated the chump’s disrespectfulness or whatever, but that’s not the kind of hate we’re talking about.  The feds will try to prove that you hate the kind of person he is.  They’re going to try to prove that you are filled with hatred toward blacks in general, or foreigners in general, or gays in general.  And you’re going to have to prove that you don’t.

Fortunately, there’s an easy way to do this, and it doesn’t require showing that your best friends are that kind of person.  It involves only committing another crime.  But what the hell, it keeps the feds away, so no big deal.  (And besides, if you don’t get caught, it also puts some money in your pocket.)

Do not forget this: After you’re done with beating him up, steal his wallet.  Now you’ve got yourself a motive.  You’re guilty of mugging, not hatred.  And the feds can pound sand.

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