The assorted candies and nuts at Obama's State of the Union address

If you're what Obama considers the right religion, or you have the right kind of sex, or have the right kind of political beliefs, chances are you were welcome at Obama's final State of the Caliphate Union address.

1) A Syrian refugee.  This particular refugee hasn't killed anyone in a terrorist attack, proving we should invite more.

2) An illegal alien (since legalized), with a college education subsidized by taxpayers.  What could be more American than that?

3) The homosexual man (Jim Obergefell) who fought to impose homosexual marriage on the rest of us.  The question remains: would Obama still have invited Obergefell if he were heterosexual?  Was he invited more for pushing homosexuality on the rest of us or for being homosexual?

4) An empty chair, symbolizing the need for all of us to have our guns taken away from us.  Or perhaps the empty chair symbolizes all the people killed by illegal aliens.  Or abortions.  Or CAFE standards that made cars lighter and more dangerous.  Or veterans who couldn't get health care at VA facilities in time.

5) An Obamacare volunteer.  I'm not sure if this means someone who advocates for Obamacare or someone who actually volunteered to sign up for Obamacare.  Because for many people, it's close to compulsory (subject to a stiff fine), so there is no "volunteering" about it.

6) Proponents of gun control.  See #4 above.  No proponents of government control, though.

7) Advocates of "criminal justice reform."  Why not just cut to the chase and have advocates of crime, or the actual criminals themselves?  See also #2 above.

8) The first girl who became an Army Ranger.  I'm sure that with relaxed standards, her fellow male soldiers feel safer.  Curiously, the first disguised boy to enter a girl's bathroom was not also invited.  I'm sure it's just an oversight.

9) CAIR.  No party of supervillains would be complete without the famed unindicted co-conspiritors of CAIR.  They are like the SPECTRE of radical Islam.

The State of the Union was also a BYOM (bring your own Muslim) to Congress Day, as many congressmen brought a Muslim along to make themselves look politically correct.  Even Paul Ryan brought one, to act as his "beard," perhaps.

This is the constituency of the modern Democratic party: illegal aliens, anal sex activists, Muslim refugees, big-government types, gun control advocates, decriminalization advocates, radical feminists, and radical Islamists.

Did I miss anyone?

This article was written by Ed Straker, senior writer of NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site.

If you're what Obama considers the right religion, or you have the right kind of sex, or have the right kind of political beliefs, chances are you were welcome at Obama's final State of the Caliphate Union address.

1) A Syrian refugee.  This particular refugee hasn't killed anyone in a terrorist attack, proving we should invite more.

2) An illegal alien (since legalized), with a college education subsidized by taxpayers.  What could be more American than that?

3) The homosexual man (Jim Obergefell) who fought to impose homosexual marriage on the rest of us.  The question remains: would Obama still have invited Obergefell if he were heterosexual?  Was he invited more for pushing homosexuality on the rest of us or for being homosexual?

4) An empty chair, symbolizing the need for all of us to have our guns taken away from us.  Or perhaps the empty chair symbolizes all the people killed by illegal aliens.  Or abortions.  Or CAFE standards that made cars lighter and more dangerous.  Or veterans who couldn't get health care at VA facilities in time.

5) An Obamacare volunteer.  I'm not sure if this means someone who advocates for Obamacare or someone who actually volunteered to sign up for Obamacare.  Because for many people, it's close to compulsory (subject to a stiff fine), so there is no "volunteering" about it.

6) Proponents of gun control.  See #4 above.  No proponents of government control, though.

7) Advocates of "criminal justice reform."  Why not just cut to the chase and have advocates of crime, or the actual criminals themselves?  See also #2 above.

8) The first girl who became an Army Ranger.  I'm sure that with relaxed standards, her fellow male soldiers feel safer.  Curiously, the first disguised boy to enter a girl's bathroom was not also invited.  I'm sure it's just an oversight.

9) CAIR.  No party of supervillains would be complete without the famed unindicted co-conspiritors of CAIR.  They are like the SPECTRE of radical Islam.

The State of the Union was also a BYOM (bring your own Muslim) to Congress Day, as many congressmen brought a Muslim along to make themselves look politically correct.  Even Paul Ryan brought one, to act as his "beard," perhaps.

This is the constituency of the modern Democratic party: illegal aliens, anal sex activists, Muslim refugees, big-government types, gun control advocates, decriminalization advocates, radical feminists, and radical Islamists.

Did I miss anyone?

This article was written by Ed Straker, senior writer of NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site.