Go west, young Dan, go west
Washington Redskin’s owner, Daniel Snyder, has been targeted by the speech police for his heresy in refusing to bow to their politically correct demands to rename his team. What a turn of events it has been to watch the Redskins circling their wagons into a defiant defense while chiefly white, whooping, wild-eyed elitists and liberal journalists spin madly around them firing salvo after salvo of barbed accusations of resolute racism into their beleaguered organization. When their socially-slanted spears failed to strike any vital organs, their frustrated leaders called in the cavalry. Federal forces quickly moved to strip those cheeky Redskins of their precious (and profitable) heritage. While we can only suspect that this disabling decree was the work of the Great Father in Washington, there are some who are convinced they can smell the sulphurous residue of his political effluents all around it.
Okay, enough Indian stuff; excuse me, Native American allusions. As someone who was raised in Indian Territory after it was renamed Oklahoma - which by the way, in the Choctaw language, means red people - may I suggest to that young billionaire owner of the Washington Redskins, Daniel Snyder, that he load up his wagons and go west. After all, the state of Oklahoma’s name is about as close as you can get to that of your team and the proximity to Dallas would really ramp up that old Red River rivalry to fever status. Just imagine that headline: Oklahoma Redskins scalp Dallas Cowboys. And, hey, that’s coming from a lifelong Cowboys fan.
Of one thing you can be certain, Dan, almost every living person in Oklahoma claims to be a descendant of one tribe or another. Probably every politician and bean counter you’d have to deal with in negotiating the team’s move to Oklahoma City would be susceptible to a subtle gratuity such as a Native American discount on season tickets, the greater the DNA proof, the deeper the discount. Think about it Dan, with Oklahoma City being so centrally located, every home game could be a statewide tribal gathering, possibly making your organization eligible for some form of federal largesse reserved for organizations engaged in outreach to Native America. Install a tribal politico in senior management and you might qualify as a minority-run business.
Come to think of it, the name Dan is associated with the lost tribes of Israel and I see on your Wikipedia page that you are Jewish. Are you aware that there are some who believe the Five Civilized Tribes are descended from those lost tribes of Israel? Not only may you be able to qualify as the NFL’s first and only Native American owner, but even better, you may even be related to Fauxahontas.* Goodness, how much more incentive do you need than that to leave all those ingrate, coastal elites who have no appreciation of your heritage or your investment?
Paint your wagons, Dan, with that proud, all-American logo and go west, young Dan, go west.
*It would appear you lack the requisite high cheekbones, but, hey, if John Kerry can afford his complete overhaul, surely you can as well.