Obama Goes Bronze
At this juncture, none but the most irretrievably deluded is going to confuse Barack Obama with a genius -- or even with someone who is possessed of anything beyond what amount to today's standard allotment in regard to intellectual ability.
This might be half the reason why nobody really blinked when, last year around election time, the Commander-in-Chief remarked to Jay Leno as follows: "the math stuff I was fine with until about seventh grade...and but Malia's now a freshman in high school and...uh...I'm pretty lost...you know...it...it's tough...
Yeah, it's "tough."
Evidently, the leader of the formerly free world finds himself stumped with the sort of problem depicted here.
Funny...but you know what else the brainiac president says is tough? Insurance!
You can't make this stuff up, but you sure can make a presidency up!
"Oh, but he was joking."
Sure he was -- he's such a self-deprecating man.
That's why the first black president, not coincidentally also of Christ-like compassion, said of his bowling skills that "they're like the Special Olympics."
What an urbane man of science the first black president Obama is...not at all like those "rednecks" over at Duck Dynasty...no siree he ain't!
But again, who cares -- since there's no math in insurance, insurance is about compassion, and we have the most compassionate and otherwise most intelligent and sophisticated leader in world history at the helm.
What exactly is on those transcripts of his, anyway?
Isn't it about time we found out?
Did he pass high school the same way he passes laws -- by way of a lawless, trademarked admixture of guilt and bullying?
Perhaps cocaine and choom helped grease the wheels?
Never mind; that's all in the past -- and we all know that the first black president's past is irrelevant unless it involves MSM-sanctioned noble lies like the one about his mother's health insurance "problem."
So, back to health insurance. The mathtard president has purchased one of his own mathtard policies!
That's right. Obama has, of a sudden, gone bronze.
How do you like his new color?
Are you as racist about this one as you were the previous two -- I mean one?
Actually, I think he's always been rather bronze, don't you -- as in third rate?
"He doesn't need it and will never use it, but President Obama signed up for Obamacare anyway."
The political maneuver, announced Monday by the White House, was aimed at showing solidarity with hundreds of thousands of Americans enrolling in the new federal and state health-care exchanges. The move came after months of prodding from Republicans, who argued that the president should participate in his signature health-care law - although the exchanges are designed primarily for those who don't have or can't afford coverage.
In keeping with every expectation, WaPo insinuates that malignant Republicans were demanding that the top .000001% (and bottom .000001% in math and who knows what else) Obama buy a policy that Obama rightfully, and with Solomonic wisdom, designed for everyone except himself and people like him.
Got it -- Obama has earned his wealth -- every single, solitary (what a studious, genius monk he was at Columbia-nobody there remembers him) step of the way!
Therefore, he gets to keep it -- as well as access to his doctor and the procedures he chooses.
After all, we're talking about free markets, not single payer!
And who needs math, science -- by golly, who needs an education -- in order to be one of the top .000001%?
All one needs in order to surmount the wealth summit is the unsurpassed ability to "pass" laws.
Laws that, for example, can be sagely rewritten by way of a blog, or even more surreptitiously by way of desperately planned computer code (and how supremely ironic that is, given that so little else that Obama has computer coded has worked).
Then again, the United States Code (U.S.C.) is so very yesterday.
Clearly, remaining adherents to the U.S.C. simply do not understand that Obama gives with every act he undertakes.
How could it be otherwise when he is the first black/gay president?
So stop accusing Obama of unlawful lawmaking; henceforth, the proper (and once again supremely ironic, but his supporters couldn't care less) term is heretofore unequalled lawgiving -- on pain of an IRS inquiry should you forsake this latter, far more accurate, characterization.
All told, then, going bronze was, for Obama, a supreme -- nearly Mandelian! -- feat.
The man cannot help but be just -- even if it's at the last possible minute.
Obama's instincts are always right; and, if they're not, he will make them so.
After all, he is Obama -- the only "man" the world has ever seen who can, by edict, turn minutes into days, days into years, and years into a never-ending nightmare.
Dr. Jason Kissner is associate professor of criminology at California State University, Fresno. You can reach him at email@example.com.