Michelle Obama, Hyponatremia, Adult Diapers, and Other Hydration-Related Issues
For America's aging population, even the mention of water makes a large number of Baby Boomers sprint toward the nearest restroom. Now to compound the problem, we have first lady Michelle Obama hawking increased water consumption.
Despite the bottled water industry raking in $11.1 billion dollars in 2011 alone and the fact that Americans are already drinking roughly 30 gallons of bottled water per year, Michelle (code name H2O) is quenching her thirst while earning her keep, reminding over-hydrated Americans to hydrate.
And to add credibility to the scheme, star of stage and screen/part-time policy wonk Eva Longoria (who, in case you haven't heard, makes a mean guacamole) is taking time off from "brainstorming" with the president on border security issues to stand shoulder-to-belly button with Mrs. Obama to promote the project.
It used to be when a person felt hungry, they ate, and when their God-given internal water gauge indicated they were running low, they drank. That's the old way. Now we have Michelle Obama spending her time "nudging" us away from the soda aisle toward the water fountain.
You don't tell your dog or your cat when to drink; they've got a thirst mechanism. Why should it be that humans should be the unique animal in the world who [has] to be told when to drink?
Great question, Dr. Noakes, maybe you should ask the first lady.
Regardless of her answer, it's clear the good doctor doesn't understand that even when it comes to fundamental things like hunger and thirst, lesser-minded Americans are no longer allowed to trust anything other than the government.
So here's a new rule! Whether you're tired or not, when Michelle Obama says "Let's Move!" you better be moving, and when she says "No sweets!" it's no sweets or else. And now, when she says "Drink Up!" America had better be chugging chlorine-infused tap water, or there may be efforts forthcoming from the higher-ups to establish neighborhood-based waterboarding stations.
The "Drink Up" water campaign, bless its heart, is new, so while it's off to a rousing start, there are quite a few hurdles to surmount.
For instance, "Let's Move!" Central has not issued specific instructions to the water drinkers in St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana, where the brain-eating amoeba Naegleria fowleri was recently found in the tap water. Although there is an experimental German drug called miltefosine to which the CDC expanded access to this summer, it's doubtful the life-saving drug will be covered under Obamacare.
For safety sake, let's hope the residents of St. Bernard Parish aren't rinsing their Michelle Obama-mandated organic kale in tap water, Neti-potting their clogged sinuses, or, after sweating along to a Beyoncé "Move Your Body" video, glugging gallons of tap water to cool down.
Then there's another problem that may arise: drinking an overabundance of water can be deadly!
Although bastion of moderation Michelle Obama consistently makes healthy lifestyle choices for herself (ahem), low-information lemmings can become presidential people-pleasers and might overdo it.
Moreover, while the first lady still recommends less sodium in our diets, drowning ourselves on a cellular level could lead to a condition called hyponatremia. Hyponatremia is an electrolyte imbalance that causes sodium levels in the body to become dangerously diluted, resulting in symptoms like queasiness, vomiting, headache, and confusion, and can even escalate to convulsions, coma, and death.
An epidemic of sodium depletion, along with the threat of Louisiana brain-eating amoeba, could definitely place undue stress on our fledgling healthcare system. Not to mention water addiction, which manifests as a mental disorder called polydipsia, sufferers of which have been known to compete with the family dog for toilet water.
Subsequently, as part of the first lady's Watering of America campaign, it's clear (no pun intended) that in addition to the government monitoring our kidneys, bladders, urine color, and measuring output, squads of hydration specialists may have to be dispatched to prevent nationwide water intoxication.
And let's not forget vigilant environmentalists who argue that "the production of plastic bottles requires millions of barrels of oil per year," (ut oh!) as well as the "transportation of bottled water from its source to stores [which allegedly] releases thousands of tons of carbon dioxide."
Finally, there's pragmatic issues like inadequate bathroom facilities, the financial strain of high-priced adult diapers, overflowing public pools, and people getting mixed up about where to direct the garden hose.
So as you can see, although good intentions are the motivation behind "Drink Up," thanks to the wide spectrum of human behavior mucking up the works, drinking more water is not without its problems.
With that in mind, adequately hydrating America is likely to become a complex endeavor and may necessitate direct intervention from yet another team of committed government officials whose task will be to monitor whether or not Americans are following government-regulated water drinking guidelines.
Either way, it's hard to deny that the first lady's innovative initiatives are turning out to be very exciting! That's why, after "Drink Up" and "Let's Move!" maybe Sheryl Crow will volunteer to help launch a national "Always Wipe!" movement, which will be personally overseen by - who else? - Michelle Obama.
Jeannie hosts a blog at www.jeannie-ology.com