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Who's Going Deaf, Mayor Bloomberg?
The man will stop at nothing. Such is his commitment to those he serves.
Mayor Bloomberg, in his inimitable wisdom and concern for his fellow man, may be on the brink of determining the maximum volume for users of headphones.
Oh, the humanity!
Don't we all need a bit of help to live our lives, to carry on, to fulfill even the smallest of tasks? Aren't we all just a bit too stupid to determine....well, just about anything?
Thankfully, and just in the nick of time, Municipal Dear Leader figured out the maximum amount of soda to consume, though I understand speakeasies are starting to crop up around NYC where folks have the temerity to drink soda to their hearts' content.
The time does seem right to zero in on headphone volume lest we all go unwittingly deaf.
Hm. Where else may danger lie?
Surely we must take care moving about the house. There are countless things we could trip on, run into, burn ourselves with, impale ourselves on.
And we need to make sure the lighting is just right. Too dark, and we might trip and fall. Too bright, and we may go blind.
What about when we actually go out into the world? There is traffic to contend with, dangerous escalators, not to mention elevators that may break while we are inside. We must navigate around other people, bicycles, and cars.
It's all so very difficult.
We may need to stop and take a break. Perhaps get a cup of coffee. But not too much coffee. No one -- and I mean NO ONE -- should get wired on caffeine and do God knows what as a result.
And then there are our children to worry about. What if one of them reshapes his pop tart to look like a weapon? What if he gets suspended because of it? Now he'll have a record. And think of the trauma he caused others. Permanent psychological impairment may result. And it will all be my child's fault. How can we ensure nothing this ever happens (again)? No doubt we can put rules in place. Regulations. Regulators to enforce the regulations. Punishments. Legislation.
Then there is the sticky problem of our pets. I'm thinking dogs should wear a specific type of collar and our cats should get rabies vaccines that must be registered with the county. Birds? Avian virus could become a national crisis. I foresee problems with gold fish on the horizon that will need to be dealt with. And swiftly.
The threats are infinite.
Or are they?
No, they are finite.
Because the government has told me that there is no threat of (I am not allowed to say the word because it has been banished from the lexicon).
Onward Mayor Bloomberg and the rest of the gang. And God speed. Because I know not how to get up from this chair where I sit and type lest there be unimaginable repercussions from an act so wild, so irresponsible, so independent, so without guidance or permission that I shudder to think of what could happen if I dare to rise and stand. On my own. Without input from y'all.
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