Advice from DHS on stopping mass murderer: Scissors
The cartwheels that government bureaucrats turn just to avoid the very subject of guns is hysterical.
Case in point, Homeland Security, who issued a helpful video on what to do if you are caught in a situation where a mass murderer is shooting up your workplace.
"If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available," says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.
The video, titled "Options for Consideration," also advises that people who get caught in an "active shooter" situation should run away, hide under a desk or take cover out of the line of fire.
The nearly four-minute-long video opens with chilling scenes from the 2007 Virginia Tech massacre, the 2009 mass shooting at Fort Hood in Texas, and the 2011 attempted assassination of Gabrielle Giffords.
But the video quickly shifts to hokey footage of office workers scampering under desks, crouching in corners and racing into closets to hide from a rampaging gunman on the loose.
"To protect your hiding place, lock the door if you can. Block the door with heavy furniture," recommends the male narrator, speaking in measured, authoritative tones.
Other survival strategies promoted in the video include hiding "behind large items such as cabinets or desks. Remain quiet. Silence your cellphone or pager. Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position."
Yeah, that'll work.
In other words, sit back and enjoy - or pray that the shooter doesn't notice you. As for the scissors - sure, why not? They're cheaper than taking karate lessons and easier to hide than a baseball bat.
Of course, what practical good they would do against a man armed with a gun is a totally difference question that DHS apparently forgot to address in the video.
One wonders sometimes of "Homeland Security" isn't a joke department, like the "Ministry of Silly Walks" in that Monty Python sketch.