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Sidwell Friends School's 'Mistake'-Proof Prom Prank
Recently, the Washingtonian reported that a pre-prom "prank" email appeared to have been sent from school administrators of Sidwell Friends School, the private $35K-per-year Washington DC institution that both Sasha and Malia Obama attend. The email was addressed to "Parents of the Sidwell Friends School Community" and advised parents of Upper School students that "their children would receive 'a voucher that may be redeemed for their choice of contraception' at this year's school prom."
The striking thing about the email, besides being flawlessly written and the sender having access to the school's email address book, was that on the surface it appeared to be concerned with children's safety. But then it veered off into a discussion about free contraception; the inevitably of teen sex; and the futility of abstinence-only programs, all from a decidedly liberal perspective.
Therefore, rather than being shocked, it's possible that open-minded DC parents might think that multi-colored condom corsages and boutonnières would be a charming accessory for prom night. After all, the email did say that the contraceptives would "be provided free of charge."
It is unknown where the correspondence originated or whether Mr. and Mrs. Obama received a copy in their inbox, but it was respectfully signed "In peace, The Sidwell Friends Upper School Administration." Soon after the initial message arrived, an allegedly authentic follow-up email informed parents that the first one was "a prank and its contents ... fiction."
Still, from a liberal point of view, the first missive did include some valuable information. For instance, according to the email, Sidwell Friends "School dances, sporting events, and arts productions have increasingly been catalysts of sexual behavior," which is a trend that the fictional school administrator with the perfect grammar calls "imprudent for teenage students of a respectable, Quaker institution." If this is true, wouldn't it stand to reason that these un-Quaker-like extra-curricular activities at Sasha and Malia's school call for the same positive contraceptive advice the President offered to Catholic Georgetown University?
Despite the tawdry particulars, the message did include reassurance that the tony school would be promptly addressing recess frolicking by implementing, among other things, "[a] two-point penalty for visiting the parking garage during school hours," as well as "heightened surveillance and regular patrols by ... security personnel," both of which would surely make Homeland Security Secretary Janet 'Frisk-the-Kiddies' Napolitano proud.
The email also said that, as an added precaution, the school plans to emulate public school safe-sex practices by providing "free condoms in all restrooms and distribution of condoms at school dances, sporting events, theatre productions, and other school-sponsored activities." Even "Let's Move" Mom Michelle Obama should agree that, at least in theory, vigorous condom-related activity trumps eating cupcakes at after-school bake sales.
Also touched upon was the clearly liberal view that it's "futile to take an outdated 'abstinence-only' approach in today's modern world." Which is precisely why some liberals believe, prank email or not, free contraceptives should be provided to all schoolchildren, including kindergarteners who are bored with finger painting.
Interestingly, the email mentioned a survey conducted by the possibly-fictitious Faculty Committee on Student Life in which students evaluated their "comfort" with a "sexually explicit form of dancing" called "grinding" and other sexual activities like "hooking up," both of which supposedly occur at Sidwell Friends dances.
All the references to school dances and sexually charged school-sponsored activities probably reminded Barack Obama of his fatherly prayer: "Lord, give me patience as I watch Malia go to her first dance, where there will be boys. Lord, let her skirt get longer as she travels to that place."
Or the time at the Milwaukee's Master Lock factory, when he said "As I was looking at some of the really industrial-size locks...as I am a father of two girls who are soon going to be in high school and that it might come in handy to have these super locks. For now, I'm just counting on the fact that when they go to school there are men with guns with them."
Isn't exercising the hormonal right to choose an option even presidents should teach their young daughters about? Maybe, when it comes to Sasha and Malia, Mr. Obama should pay heed to the email's advice, which is that by "removing the stigma from sexual activity," students approach the subject "not with an attitude of ostentatious rebellion but with the gravity and privacy that this personal decision requires."
As the email suggested, Sidwell parents should "Let [their] children know that the home is the safest place to experiment and develop sexually." However, while that recommendation may be fitting for other students, if Bill Clinton happens to be hanging around the White House maybe the Obamas should ignore that piece of advice.
Another suggestion was that parents should "take this opportunity to create a healthy environment for an open discussion about safe sex, perhaps by taking advantage of the extensive Planned Parenthood resources around the DC Metropolitan area." Now that's an outstanding idea! For an Obama family outing, Barack and Michelle could take the first daughters on a historic Margaret Sanger field trip to downtown Washington DC, where the girls could take a crash course on eugenics and taxpayer-funded abortion.
In the end, regardless of who wrote the email, and given President Obama's overriding concern for women of all ages having access to free contraceptives, he could step forward and "encourage and support" -- a la Sandra Fluke -- the valuable content of the message. Surely, the President could wring out political points with women by offering public thanks to the undisclosed writer for bravely addressing the realities of the contraceptive concerns of his daughters' schoolmates.
But above all, by expressing how great it would be to have Sidwell school administrators adopt the creative prom night voucher idea, Barack Obama could make the most of what originated as a school prank by reminding everyone that if teenage revelers do happen to "make a mistake" at an after-party, they shouldn't be "punished with a baby."
Author's content: www.jeannie-ology.com
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