Obama's Drunk Uncle Omar Pleads Innocent
It's 2012 and Barack Obama's uncle Onyango Obama is back in court. Onyango is brother to the President's late father Barack Sr., which may explain why, in an astonishing display of Obama family consanguinity, Onyango, aka 'Uncle Omar,' displays a genetic propensity to plead innocent regardless of what kind of chaos he's caused.
Last summer, Uncle Omar was arrested for drunk driving. In November his lawyer attempted to shift Omar's culpability onto the arresting police officer by asking the court to dismiss charges based on what he feels is the unfair practice of asking a drunk driver to pull over and take a Breathalyzer test.
Out driving his SUV with a 0.14 blood alcohol level in a state where 0.08 is the legal limit, Barack Obama's illegal immigrant uncle was tooling along, enjoying the Bay State scenery, alcohol on his breath and "chicken and tunes" in the air. That was when Onyango made a "rolling stop" in front of the Chicken Bone Saloon in downtown Framingham and, according to witnesses, nearly slammed into arresting Officer Val Krishtal's police cruiser
Maybe Omar was rushing to Boston to visit Barack's famous Aunt Zeituni. Zeituni Onyango lived illegally in Massachusetts since 2000; she was "denied asylum by an immigration judge in 2004" but decided to stay for six more years, during which time she was honored to attend her nephew Barack's inauguration. In 2010 Aunt Zeituni "was granted asylum" after a judge felt she faced "discrimination in Kenya as a member of the Luo tribe."
In lieu of traditional circumcision, the Luo people are among the few Kenyan tribes that have an initiation into manhood wherein they remove six front teeth from the lower jaw. In Kenya Aunt Zeituni would get to keep her teeth, but for Omar it's a completely different story, keeping his teeth may be why the President's uncle has felt it necessary to dodge an order of deportation for the last 20 years.
Meanwhile, according to the arresting officer, at the time of the traffic stop a chatty Uncle Omar would not allow Officer Krishtal to speak and continually interrupted him. Inebriated, Omar argued the point that his 'stop' was passable and admitted only to failing to yield the right of way to the police cruiser.
Nephew Barack must have sat many an hour at Uncle Omar's knee, because drunk with power, he's equally delusional about blowing through political stop signs, creating national calamities and causing economic pileups.
Maybe Uncle Omar can convince the authorities that he shouldn't be held accountable because he only recognizes the word "Stop" when it's written in Dholuo. As for the DUI factor, that too could have been a simple mistake, because 'drunk' in Swahili is 'mlevi,' which is what Omar was doing - he was me-leaving the Chicken Bone Saloon and driving somewhere else.
The officer's report said that when asked "how much he had to drink," initially Uncle Omar said "nothing." Perplexed, the arresting officer told Mr. Obama that "there was strong odor of alcohol on him" to which Omar admitted to having one beer. That type of honesty should be applauded, because if Barack were behind the wheel he'd stick to his original story and blame G. W. Bush for spilling a pint of lager on his freshly laundered outfit.
Pressing on, Officer Krishtal told Uncle Omar that one beer does not a drunken souse make, and that "his behavior was indicative of an intoxicated individual," after which Uncle Omar 'fessed up to knocking back not one, but two beers. Now, before we judge the man too harshly, maybe he was saying he had two yards of beer, which technically still falls into the two beers category and, strictly speaking, wouldn't exactly be lying.
Either way, according to the officer, "during a horizontal gaze test, where the driver is asked to follow an officer's finger" -- unlike his well-practiced nephew, who can follow a scrolling Teleprompter regardless of how many martinis he's consumed -- Uncle Omar's eye-to-finger skills were a tad wobbly.
Krishtal said that when asked to step out of the vehicle, the 67-year old Obama was "moderately unsteady on his feet." Seems Uncle Omar, much like his nephew, was anxious to prove his ability to get the job done so he proceeded to "begin the test before being instructed to do so. When asked to perform a nine-step walk, the officer allegedly witnessed Obama stumble and was barely able to keep himself up," which ultimately earned him a ride to headquarters in the back seat of the same police cruiser he almost demolished.
After being booked at the Framingham police station, Mr. Obama skipped calling the boss at Conti Liquors and decided not to disturb Aunt Zeituni. Instead, giving new meaning to Hillary's "who do you want answering the phone" at 3:00 am ad, when granted his one phone call Uncle Omar contemplated calling the White House.
Whether he did or didn't is still a mystery. What we do know is that last fall, spiffily dressed, uppers and lowers intact, Mr. Obama appeared in court and, in typical Obama family fashion, pleaded not guilty. A lawyer for Onyango told a judge he planned to "file a motion to suppress the traffic stop that led to his client's arrest" because he felt that Omar, although driving drunk and illegal, "was not committing any motor vehicle violations."
Citing an automobile accident Officer Krishtal had in November, it seems maybe Uncle Omar and his lawyer are trying the ole' change-the-conversation-to-G.W. Bush tactic on poor Officer Krishtal. This is how it goes: Screw up the economy - blame Bush. Run a stop sign and nearly smash into a police vehicle while driving drunk and illegal - blame the police officer.
And so, yet another member of the Obama clan plays the put-upon victim. Uncle Omar drove under the influence of alcohol but pleaded not guilty to operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. And so, despite all the evidence to the contrary, Omar's continued insistence that he's innocent makes one wonder if maybe Barack Obama didn't pick up that phone at 3:00 am and coach Uncle Omar on how Obamas play the blame game, change the subject, and despite being guilty, always come out on top.
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