Scamalot

Randy Fardal
Now for something completely different.

What would happen if, say, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann staffed her publicity team with Python skit writers?  Her television ads certainly would be entertaining.  But would they be effective or dismissed as frivolous?  You be the judge...

Scene: President's sleek campaign bus, all shiny black except for the teargas launchers and red "Made in Canada" stickers.  Taxpayers dressed as coffee-drinking Vikings mill around the bus, waiting to hear the president speak.  (They could find all the extras they need by filming at a Nordic Fest not far from where Mrs. Bachmann was born)  Camera ascends bus stairway to reveal Monty Python characters playing political figures in a mobile greasy spoon café.

Congresswoman Bachmann, seating herself at a café table: Morning, Mr. President.President, without looking up from his campaign contributor list: Morning.

Congresswoman, enthusiastically: I'm hungry for a budget.  It's been 900 days since you and your fellow Democrats in the Senate approved one, so I'm anxious to see what's on your menu.

President: Well, there's Solyndra and wind turbines; Fisker and wind turbines; Solyndra and scam; Solyndra, Fisker, wind turbines and scam; Scam, Solyndra, scam, scam, Fisker, scam and scam; Scam, Fisker, scam, scam, Solyndra, scam, global warming and scam...

Taxpayers interrupt their coffee to begin chanting: Scam, scam, scam, scam...

President, continuing: ...scam, scam, scam, Solyndra and scam; Scam, scam, scam, scam, scam, scam, Obamacare, scam, scam, scam...

Taxpayers, breaking into operatic song: Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

President, continuing: ...or a blatant attempt to trick voters into dumping the Second Amendment by purchasing guns for Mexican drug lords that murdered American citizens, then covered with a delectable layer of scam.

Congresswoman: Have you got anything without scam?

President: Well, there's scam, union bailouts, campaign kickbacks and scam... That's not got much scam in it...

Congresswoman: I don't want ANY scam!

Energy Department Official: Why don't you have Solyndra, scam and Fisker?

Congresswoman: That's got SCAM in it!

Energy Department Official: Hasn't got as much scam in it as scam, wind turbines and scam.

Taxpayers crescendo outside of bus: Scam, scam, scam, scam...

Congresswoman: Could you do the Solyndra, scam and Fisker without the scam then?

Energy Department Official: Ewww!

Congresswoman: What do you mean 'Ewww'?  I don't like SCAM!

Taxpayers Chorus: Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

President, sticking head out window to address taxpayers: Shut up!

Taxpayers Chorus, continuing to sing loudly: Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

President, shouting: Shut up! (Taxpayers are silenced)  Bloody taxpayers!  (Then facing the Congresswoman) You can't have Solyndra, scam and Fisker without the scam.

Congresswoman, shrieking: I don't like SCAM!

Justice Department Official: Shhh, Congresswoman.  Don't cause a fuss.  I'll have your scam.  I love it.  I'm having scam, scam, scam, scam, voter intimidation, scam, scam, scam and scam!

Taxpayers Chorus: Scam, scam, scam, scam.  Ugly scam... Democrat scam... 

President to taxpayers again: Shut up!  (Then facing Justice Department Official) Sorry, we're out of voter intimidation this year, since there are no elections.

Justice Department Official: Well, could I have a gunrunning cover-up instead of the voter intimidation then? 

President: You mean scam, cover-up, scam, scam, scam, scam...

Taxpayers Chorus, drowning the president's words: Scam, scam, scam, scam.  Ugly scam... Democrat scam...  Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

Now for something completely different.

What would happen if, say, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann staffed her publicity team with Python skit writers?  Her television ads certainly would be entertaining.  But would they be effective or dismissed as frivolous?  You be the judge...

Scene: President's sleek campaign bus, all shiny black except for the teargas launchers and red "Made in Canada" stickers.  Taxpayers dressed as coffee-drinking Vikings mill around the bus, waiting to hear the president speak.  (They could find all the extras they need by filming at a Nordic Fest not far from where Mrs. Bachmann was born)  Camera ascends bus stairway to reveal Monty Python characters playing political figures in a mobile greasy spoon café.

Congresswoman Bachmann, seating herself at a café table: Morning, Mr. President.President, without looking up from his campaign contributor list: Morning.

Congresswoman, enthusiastically: I'm hungry for a budget.  It's been 900 days since you and your fellow Democrats in the Senate approved one, so I'm anxious to see what's on your menu.

President: Well, there's Solyndra and wind turbines; Fisker and wind turbines; Solyndra and scam; Solyndra, Fisker, wind turbines and scam; Scam, Solyndra, scam, scam, Fisker, scam and scam; Scam, Fisker, scam, scam, Solyndra, scam, global warming and scam...

Taxpayers interrupt their coffee to begin chanting: Scam, scam, scam, scam...

President, continuing: ...scam, scam, scam, Solyndra and scam; Scam, scam, scam, scam, scam, scam, Obamacare, scam, scam, scam...

Taxpayers, breaking into operatic song: Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

President, continuing: ...or a blatant attempt to trick voters into dumping the Second Amendment by purchasing guns for Mexican drug lords that murdered American citizens, then covered with a delectable layer of scam.

Congresswoman: Have you got anything without scam?

President: Well, there's scam, union bailouts, campaign kickbacks and scam... That's not got much scam in it...

Congresswoman: I don't want ANY scam!

Energy Department Official: Why don't you have Solyndra, scam and Fisker?

Congresswoman: That's got SCAM in it!

Energy Department Official: Hasn't got as much scam in it as scam, wind turbines and scam.

Taxpayers crescendo outside of bus: Scam, scam, scam, scam...

Congresswoman: Could you do the Solyndra, scam and Fisker without the scam then?

Energy Department Official: Ewww!

Congresswoman: What do you mean 'Ewww'?  I don't like SCAM!

Taxpayers Chorus: Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

President, sticking head out window to address taxpayers: Shut up!

Taxpayers Chorus, continuing to sing loudly: Ugly scam... Democrat scam...

President, shouting: Shut up! (Taxpayers are silenced)  Bloody taxpayers!  (Then facing the Congresswoman) You can't have Solyndra, scam and Fisker without the scam.

Congresswoman, shrieking: I don't like SCAM!

Justice Department Official: Shhh, Congresswoman.  Don't cause a fuss.  I'll have your scam.  I love it.  I'm having scam, scam, scam, scam, voter intimidation, scam, scam, scam and scam!

Taxpayers Chorus: Scam, scam, scam, scam.  Ugly scam... Democrat scam... 

President to taxpayers again: Shut up!  (Then facing Justice Department Official) Sorry, we're out of voter intimidation this year, since there are no elections.

Justice Department Official: Well, could I have a gunrunning cover-up instead of the voter intimidation then? 

President: You mean scam, cover-up, scam, scam, scam, scam...

Taxpayers Chorus, drowning the president's words: Scam, scam, scam, scam.  Ugly scam... Democrat scam...  Ugly scam... Democrat scam...