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November 24, 2010
Tales of 57 States: The Regime's Uniform Travel Subservience
In the 3rd year of the reign of His Obamaness as POTUS of the Realm of 57 States, the Regime reached their goal of controlling traveling serfs and peasants - uniform subservience. It progressed thusly:
First, there were metal detectors and hand scanners that searched for swords, crossbows and war hammers. They eventually gave way to pat-downs and full body x-rays in search of exotic pyrotechnics, it was said.
When the peasants found the nude x-rays and groping less than desirable -- except for Barrister Gloria Allred who said she liked being touched -- the Regime moved into its third and final phase of uniform subservience: human android body-cavities examination (BCE) and full skeletal groping (FSG). This final phase began with human screeners with plans to phase-in androids made in China, of course.
Each commoner traveler would then step into a polling booth-like enclosure and remove all their clothing (also, dentures, glasses, contacts, jewelry, insulin pumps, pacemakers, hearing aids, etc.), putting their garments into a recyclable plastic bag pre-stamped with their ticket and social security numbers.
After receiving the BCE and FSG procedures, the travelers would be given gray disposable jump suits - made by General Electric - and, once newly attired, proceed directly to their gate. Affixed to their wrist would be a hospital-like identification band in case they wandered off and were corralled by a roving security legionnaire.
Meanwhile, their clothing bag, containing all their personal effects, would be examined separately and made available to them at their destination, with hardly ever anything missing. Well, usually, anyway.
The Regime explained to the serfs and peasants that the new enhanced screening procedures were needed to protect them from anticipated attacks by the Huns, Goths, Visigoths, Barbarians, Tea Partiers, and marauding bands of Vikings who were said to be developing new devices and paraphernalia to harm them.
By adding many thousands to the Regime's travel security legions, all commoners traveling outside their ARO - area of routine operations - would be subjected to the enhanced security procedures regardless of their means of travel. For example, peasants wishing to take their personal carts and vacation along a roadway maintained by the Regime would be subjected to similar procedures, excepting the temporary confiscation of personal effects. Travel by train, plane, boat, bus...were all subject to the same enhanced security procedures. Only walking and travel in a government-approved Chevy Volt were security-exempt forms of sanctioned travel.
For those without travel plans and only wishing to experience the full skeletal groping (FSG) procedure, that service could be purchased separately and was called The Special Allred (TSA), after the aforementioned barrister Gloria. The TSA also included the option of being groped by a special-services masseuse subcontracted from Gore Crazed Poodle, Inc.
The Regime hoped that the light-weight, disposable, environmentally-friendly, gray jumpsuit would gain popularity among the serfs and peasants for general everyday use. Federal Flight Attendants, who were assigned to work the cabins of the new Federal Airline that evolved after several private airlines went bankrupt, would sell additional jumpsuits during flight, along with fat-free, low-calorie, no-taste, food-like substances. Also sold were tofu candy bars with Lady Obamaness' smiling face on the wrapper over the motto - Try This, You Will Like It.
As these new security procedures were being announced, the Regimes travel security legions were shown this training film demonstrating the deference they were to show to the traveling commoners.
And, lo, as all this came to pass, the people waiting in the security line said, as with one voice...baaaaaaaaa.
Or, maybe not. We'll see.