Replace the TSA with the Louisville Option

Lee DeCovnick
TSA has elegantly proven that a well-funded government bureaucracy can spend 19 million dollars a day while trashing our Constitution and simultaneously molesting three-year-old children. Current TSA policies nicely mirror Obama's own ongoing national trifecta of debt, corruption and socialist-inspired ideological assaults on American values. Yes, one more bloody notch carved into the American psyche by this Administration.

In response to these daily outrages, I would like to propose the Louisville plan as a sane alternative to the TSA's current gimmick of microwaving unsuspecting citizens with ionized radiation and degrading pat downs. So how does the Louisville plan work? Well, after you hand your boarding pass to the gate attendant, all passengers will have the option to choose a baseball bat from a large rack of bats inside the walkway and take one onto the plane.

It will be the personal responsibility of each passenger who has a bat to use it in case of a terrorist incident.  The very tight quarters ensure that no hijacker can move around the cabin without having the back of their heads exposed to some heavy lumber for a fatal split second. No guns, just good old American hickory and ash. Given a useful and familiar weapon, American's are certainly quite capable of defending themselves ("Let's roll!") and making intelligent decision under such circumstances without any help from Homeland Security or the TSA. There will be no need for ID's checks, long security lines, removing our shoes, or being groped. Friends and family can meet you again at the gate, just like they did for the first 75 years of commercial aviation. The public response would be instantaneous and overwhelmingly profitable for any airline that follows the Louisville plan.

The "Louisville" has a rapid roll out, is incredibly inexpensive, unashamedly politically incorrect, and 99.97% effective at preventing terrorists from taking over a plane.... all without a shred of reliance on any government agency, any government jobs, any government subsidies or any government funding.  Of course, all of these points are in diametric opposition to the long-term goals of the TSA, this Administration, and Obama's oft wished for goal of gleefully shoving all those "bitter clingers" into financial, social, and ultimately historical oblivion.  Well, no plan is perfect.

Can you imagine if Obama were ever asked about the Louisville plan without his trusty teleprompter?  We would have a real glimpse into America's future.

"That is a truly a.... stupid question. My government can never accept.... any American.... taking personal responsibility for anything, especially their own safety... it's just not fair. Only my government can protect you ....uh....and feed you. Only my government will decide what you..uh..uhhh... can study, and how much education you area allowed.  Only my government will give you...uh.uhhhh... just the right amount of medical treatment, give you a lifetime job, and allow you to purchase a .....uh.uhhhh...safe government vehicle. And finally..... my government can choose the time and method of your death, and then uh.. recycle your remains in such a fashion as to most ..... benefit the country by decreasing the CO2 ...uh...out gassed ...uh... by your decomposition."  

Take a bow Mr. President; you finally gave us the truth.

Those co-opted screeners at the TSA are furiously forging more links in the chain that this Administration has planned for each of us. First shackling our bodies, then our freedoms and soon our souls. 
TSA has elegantly proven that a well-funded government bureaucracy can spend 19 million dollars a day while trashing our Constitution and simultaneously molesting three-year-old children. Current TSA policies nicely mirror Obama's own ongoing national trifecta of debt, corruption and socialist-inspired ideological assaults on American values. Yes, one more bloody notch carved into the American psyche by this Administration.

In response to these daily outrages, I would like to propose the Louisville plan as a sane alternative to the TSA's current gimmick of microwaving unsuspecting citizens with ionized radiation and degrading pat downs. So how does the Louisville plan work? Well, after you hand your boarding pass to the gate attendant, all passengers will have the option to choose a baseball bat from a large rack of bats inside the walkway and take one onto the plane.

It will be the personal responsibility of each passenger who has a bat to use it in case of a terrorist incident.  The very tight quarters ensure that no hijacker can move around the cabin without having the back of their heads exposed to some heavy lumber for a fatal split second. No guns, just good old American hickory and ash. Given a useful and familiar weapon, American's are certainly quite capable of defending themselves ("Let's roll!") and making intelligent decision under such circumstances without any help from Homeland Security or the TSA. There will be no need for ID's checks, long security lines, removing our shoes, or being groped. Friends and family can meet you again at the gate, just like they did for the first 75 years of commercial aviation. The public response would be instantaneous and overwhelmingly profitable for any airline that follows the Louisville plan.

The "Louisville" has a rapid roll out, is incredibly inexpensive, unashamedly politically incorrect, and 99.97% effective at preventing terrorists from taking over a plane.... all without a shred of reliance on any government agency, any government jobs, any government subsidies or any government funding.  Of course, all of these points are in diametric opposition to the long-term goals of the TSA, this Administration, and Obama's oft wished for goal of gleefully shoving all those "bitter clingers" into financial, social, and ultimately historical oblivion.  Well, no plan is perfect.

Can you imagine if Obama were ever asked about the Louisville plan without his trusty teleprompter?  We would have a real glimpse into America's future.

"That is a truly a.... stupid question. My government can never accept.... any American.... taking personal responsibility for anything, especially their own safety... it's just not fair. Only my government can protect you ....uh....and feed you. Only my government will decide what you..uh..uhhh... can study, and how much education you area allowed.  Only my government will give you...uh.uhhhh... just the right amount of medical treatment, give you a lifetime job, and allow you to purchase a .....uh.uhhhh...safe government vehicle. And finally..... my government can choose the time and method of your death, and then uh.. recycle your remains in such a fashion as to most ..... benefit the country by decreasing the CO2 ...uh...out gassed ...uh... by your decomposition."  

Take a bow Mr. President; you finally gave us the truth.

Those co-opted screeners at the TSA are furiously forging more links in the chain that this Administration has planned for each of us. First shackling our bodies, then our freedoms and soon our souls.