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January 27, 2010
State of Dis-Union
Given Barack Obama's polarizing effect on the country, perhaps his speech tonight should be called the State of the dis-Union.
Nevertheless, the Obamedia is hyperventilating over Obama's next teleprompter-reading session. Not wanting to get left behind the breathless MSM pack--and stuck wading through their, uh, droppings--here are some humble predictions for tonight's speech:
-It will be numbingly long. So long that Obama will have to take a cigarette break in the middle.
-Led by Joe O'Biden, Democrats will spend so much time on their feet applauding that they'll wear holes in the souls of their Guccis. Not to worry, the worn footware, generally adult sizes 9-11, will be donated to homeless Haitian children.
-Obama will refer to himself over 130 times, about once every 30 seconds of actual spoken time, while asserting that the speech really isn't about him. To his credit, Obama will for the most part restrain himself from using the royal, we.
-He will use the word, fight, almost as frequently. In fact, Obama will say fight so often that an international panel of linguists will declare the word overused and devoid of meaning.
-Seeking to prove himself a true populist, Obama will rip off his $200 silk tie halfway through the speech and open his shirt collar ... inadvertently revealing the gold Nobel Prize medallion he's wearing underneath.
-Obama will take responsibility, but not blame, for some of the mistakes he's made the past year. He will then ask for a do-over. Hillary Clinton will then take responsibility, but not blame, for her failed presidential campaign and demand a do-over.
-In an attempt to prove himself a budget hawk, Obama will declare a spending freeze, announcing he will cap White House arugula purchases at pre-Fiscal Year 2013 levels.
-It's tradition now that special guests be recognized to personalize important policy points and tug at heartstrings. Obama will point to two invited guests and explain how failure to pass Cap-and-Trade could cost them their future well-being. George Soros and Algore will briefly put down their cellphones to acknowledge Democrats' applause.
-Attempting to deflect criticism that his use of a teleprompter in a sixth-grade classroom proves that he is over-reliant on the device, Obama will deliver the whole address from memory.
Naaaah. That one won't happen.
-William Tate is an award-winning journalist and author