The Napolitano strategy for dealing with 'underwear bombers'

G. Wesley Clark, MD
Eight years ago, the Shoe Bomber carried explosives on board an airliner, concealed in his shoes. Ever since, countless millions of hapless travelers have suffered the indignity and inconvenience juggling and tracking their laptops and iPods thru the scanners, while dancing to security's demand that they remove their shoes for X-Ray inspection. Now, the devoutly peaceful practitioners of sacred terror have devised explosive underwear!Americans need have no fear, for our dedicated Secretary of Homeland Security has reacted almost instantaneously to this new tactic. Faced with the prospect of having to force all airline passengers to strip naked for underwear inspections, Secretary Napolitano has shrewdly devised a cunningly devious strategy for dealing with the new threat of underwear bombs, utilizing a deep understanding of human psychology, the physiology of the response to intense stress, and advanced techniques of explosive ordnance disposal.

The intense stress faced by the homicide bomber, as he prepares to detonate his underwear will obviously be so severe that it will lead to altered cardiac output and kidney blood flow, increasing urine production, so that the urinary bladder will tend to fill quickly. Ingeniously, all passengers will now be forced to remain in their seats for an extended time , causing the guilty homicide bomber to have to pee in his pants, thus disarming his underwear bomb.

Some have speculated that Secretary Napolitano has lost her head. The Administration has responded that its location has been conclusively confirmed by a consultant proctologist.


Eight years ago, the Shoe Bomber carried explosives on board an airliner, concealed in his shoes. Ever since, countless millions of hapless travelers have suffered the indignity and inconvenience juggling and tracking their laptops and iPods thru the scanners, while dancing to security's demand that they remove their shoes for X-Ray inspection. Now, the devoutly peaceful practitioners of sacred terror have devised explosive underwear!

Americans need have no fear, for our dedicated Secretary of Homeland Security has reacted almost instantaneously to this new tactic. Faced with the prospect of having to force all airline passengers to strip naked for underwear inspections, Secretary Napolitano has shrewdly devised a cunningly devious strategy for dealing with the new threat of underwear bombs, utilizing a deep understanding of human psychology, the physiology of the response to intense stress, and advanced techniques of explosive ordnance disposal.

The intense stress faced by the homicide bomber, as he prepares to detonate his underwear will obviously be so severe that it will lead to altered cardiac output and kidney blood flow, increasing urine production, so that the urinary bladder will tend to fill quickly. Ingeniously, all passengers will now be forced to remain in their seats for an extended time , causing the guilty homicide bomber to have to pee in his pants, thus disarming his underwear bomb.

Some have speculated that Secretary Napolitano has lost her head. The Administration has responded that its location has been conclusively confirmed by a consultant proctologist.