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December 12, 2009
How Obama could actually earn his Nobel Prize
OBAMA: (talking into phone) You got it, Tiger. Stay cool, man. Call me when you've settled in. [Hangs up phone] Finally! An opportunity to show the world I deserve the Nobel. Tiger and Elin will arrive at Camp David on Monday to begin peace negotiations. Leon?
PANETTA: We just received independent confirmation of a truce, sir. Ms. Nordegren has suspended offensive operations and hot pursuit, and Mr. Woods agreed to stop retreating long enough to attend the summit.
OBAMA: Good. As you all know, Jesse and Bill have consented to be our lead mediators.
JACKSON: If they're talkin', he's not stalkin', and they're not walkin'.
CLINTON: Good ‘un, Jesse. Lemme try one: "If we all pull together, they won't pull apart."
OBAMA: Uh, OK. Zbig, talk strategy. How do we play this?
BRZEZINSKI: Stage One: President Clinton hashes things out with Ms. Nordegren in the Rosebud Cabin; Reverend Jackson has a heart-to heart-with Mr. Woods in Dogwood.
JACKSON: If he starts jivin', I ain't shrivin'. He's gotta admit, he's gotta submit, he's gotta commit. Or I'm gonna quit.
OBAMA: Easy, Jesse. Tiger told me he'd do the right thing.
CLINTON: Oh, someone else must be in the room when I see Elin. That's the one condition Hillary laid down before letting me participate.
BRZEZINSKI: Stage Two: multilateral teleconference via secure video uplink in Laurel Lodge's meeting room. Participants: our mediators, the principals, Mr. Woods's mother, Ms. Nordegren's parents and twin sister. Ideally, the opposing parties and their sponsors agree to terms and ratify a Memorandum of Understanding. State bureaucrats will compose the actual treaty.
OBAMA: Um, this is supposed to be a PR coup for me, Zbig. Where do I come in?
BRZEZINSKI: Stage Three: a brief, pro forma bilateral session. Mr. Woods, Ms.Nordegren, and you in the Presidential Cabin, Aspen Lodge. Engage in some pleasantries with them, then let the media in. And there you are, smiling benignly behind the couple as they sign the pact ending hostilities.
OBAMA: Sounds like a plan. I wonder if . . . .
MICHELLE: Hold it! When Jesse and Bill are done making you look good, they'll mediate that power-sharing arrangement you promised moi during the campaign...