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October 10, 2009
Channel your inner Osama; if you mock Obama's prize, you're a terrorist
What can you say to something like this? It's from Democratic National Committee chairman Brad Woodhouse:
The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists - the Taliban and Hamas this morning - in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize. Republicans cheered when America failed to land the Olympics and now they are criticizing the President of the United States for receiving the Nobel Peace prize - an award he did not seek but that is nonetheless an honor in which every American can take great pride - unless of course you are the Republican Party. The 2009 version of the Republican Party has no boundaries, has no shame and has proved that they will put politics above patriotism at every turn. It's no wonder only 20 percent of Americans admit to being Republicans anymore - it's an embarrassing label to claim.I think we made a strategic error by opposing this peace prize for Obama. Woodhouse has found us out and now, our ties to terrorists have been revealed.
Our master Osama bin Laden warned me yesterday that this would happen when he woke me up with the news of the Nobel Committee's decision.
I was awakened at 5:00 AM with the persistent ringing of the telephone in my ear.
Osama Bin Laden: Richard, my old friend! Assalamu alaikum.. Have you heard the news?
Me: Osama? Is that you? What in blazes are you calling me at 5 in the morning for? Couldn't it wait for our daily conference call?
Osama Bin Laden: Richard, Allah is indeed merciful. Those dogs on the Nobel Peace Prize Committee have named the Unclean One winner of this year's peace prize.
Me: Oh for God's sake, Osama. I told...
Osama Bin Laden (interrupting): Richard, you may be one of my favorite conservative infidels but if I hear you take the name of Allah in vain again, you will regret it but once and that will be forever...
Me. Osama, I told you to stop with the jokes. I mean, when we plotted to have that tape released right before the 2004 election that had you endorsing Kerry, that was one thing - and a great gag it was too. And when we planned on hitting the Brooklyn Bridge, who would have taken something like that seriously? But please don't pull my leg. Obama winning the peace prize? Really.
Osama Bin Laden: Most certainly, Richard. It is on CNN as I speak.
Me: Well, gee. No kiddin', huh?
Osama Bin Laden: Do I have the kind of face that kids, Richard?
Me: Osama, my old friend, you have a face that only a goat could love.
Osama Bin Laden: Ha! Truer than you think, my infidel partner!
Me: So - how do we handle this?
Osama Bin Laden: If I were you, Richard, I would recommend you and your conservative friends celebrate this moment, congratulate the president, and make praise to Allah for his wondrous miracles.
Me: No joke, Osama, but even Allah would be hard pressed to fix it so the Nobel Peace Prize Committee gave their award to someone who was in office 11 days before he was nominated, and hasn't accomplished anything at all in 9 months of being president.
Osama bin Laden: Trust me, Richard. You are playing with fire if you mock, or say bad things about this award. You and your conservative friends will blow your cover and reveal yourselves as my allies.
Me: Don't be ridiculous. Who would possibly think that we conservatives were actually in league with terrorists?
Osama bin Laden: Richard, listen to me. We have worked together for a long time, yes?
Me: Forever, it seems Osama.
Osama bin Laden: I tell you now, the Democrats will see through your charade and uncover the truth of our collaboration unless you pretend that the dog Obama's award is the answer to a prayer. The only other people who will agree with you that the award is undeserved are my other allies in the Taliban. And even the idiot liberals will then put two and two together and break your cover.
Me: Well, all I can do is call a quick meeting and see what everybody thinks. Can't promise anything but I will certainly relay your concerns to the membership. And thank you, my Master, as always, for your many words of wisdom and kindnesses.
Osama bin Laden: Farewell, Richard.
(Portions of this blog post originally appeared at Right Wing Nuthhouse )