Saturday Tales From The 57 States: Pirates, Poodle, and the Panda

Kyle-Anne Shiver & Lee Cary
Near the time of the Annual April Day of Tribute, His Obamaness was vexed by Pirates, the Poodle, and the Panda. It happened thusly.

During a gathering of wealthy nations in Europa, Poodle, Leader of the Gauls, had shown wide smiles and much jocularity when in the presence of His Obamaness for Poodle basked in the adulatory attention given by Town Criers everywhere to the new POTUS.   

Nary a step was taken by His Obamaness and Poodle, particularly when in the company of their fair maidens, without the bright torches of the Town Crier Guilds illuminating their likenesses for the swooning enjoyment of peoples everywhere.

But, alas, after both had returned to their thrones, word was spread that the Poodle held His Obamaness in less favor than had seemed. A Crier from the London Guild said that a Crier from the Paris Guild, held in favor by those within the Poodle Palace, had whispered that, “The Poodle is annoyed by what he sees as the naivety and the herd mentality of the town criers.”  (The Town Crier Guild in the 57 States heeded this story not, for they found nothing in it favorable to His Obamaness, whom they adored.)

For his part, in speaking about Poodle, His Obamaness was heard to say, “He [Poodle] is courageous on so many fronts, it's sometimes hard to keep up with him.” As in dilettante.

And so it is that smiles in public can hide frowns in private.  

But, as the gods of fate would have it, this next tale, in the eternal circle of smiles and frowns, would find happiness throughout the Realm of the 57 States after the release of the brave captain and crew of a ship taken hostage by Pirates from the Horn of Africa.

This was, indeed, a story that ended well for all the people of the Realm, though not so good for several of the Pirates who, while seeking plunder on the seas, bought the farm.  When the moment came to decide whether or not to unleash the best archers of the Realm against the Pirates, the assembled dogs of war looked to POTUS for a nod of yes, or no.

And His Obamaness solemnly nodded his head, yes.  

But, as the gods of fate would have it, yet another tale in the eternal circle of smiles and frowns would find frowns on the faces of His Obamaness and his Exchequer, Sir Tiny Tim of Geithnerland, the most brilliant of all the money changers in the Realm.

It was known to all that His Obamaness spoke fine words written on tablets carried by two former circus workers of diminutive stature who stood, one to each side of Him, lifting high the royal tablets from which His Obamaness read when speaking before the people.  (Though little known at the time, Chief Chiseler of Royal Words was Jon of Favrea whom His Obamaness once called “He who reads my mind.” It was Jon who first chiseled the words “Yes I can” for His Obamaness. But I digress.)  

Some of His royal words spoke to the need to spend no more coins of the Realm than necessary. But, with the help of Sir Tiny Tim, and the Realm’s Chief Minter Helicopter Ben, His Obamaness, along with Princess Nancy and Prince Harry, were spending money as though they themselves were sailors recently released from Pirates and given many barrels of grog from which they savored even the dregs.

Now, so as to have coins beyond the ability of even Helicopter Ben to mint, His Obamaness looked once again across the Western Sea toward the Land of the Ginseng.  It was there that the Great Panda sat upon a gianomous pile of coins gained from selling beads-and-trinkets to the people of 57 States, as well as to peoples across the earth.

His Obamaness sent emissaries to kneel before the Great Panda and ask, as they had done before with much success, for another loan of coins. Long and elaborate were their supplications to the Panda saying how important it was to the Realm, and to His Obamaness, to borrow the Panda’s coins so as to do many great things for the people of the 57 States, and, lo, even for peoples in lands afar.

When the emissaries’ stopped talking, they looked with great anticipation to him who sat atop the coins for a decision.

And the Panda solemnly nodded his head, no.   

When His Obamaness and Sir Tiny Tim received word of the Panda’s nod, they quickly summoned Helicopter Ben to the POTUS Palace where they said to him, “Make haste to mint more coins to drop from your helicopter, Ben. Many more.”

And Helicopter Ben nodded his head, yes. There were some in those days who said it was the only nod his head could make.  

Now it came to pass that when the people of the 57 States head this, many gathered in villages across the 57 States on the Annual Day of Tribute to protest.

One Crier at the POTUS Palace was so bold to ask the Palace Attendant to Criers, Bob-ben-Baghdad Bob, his thoughts on the protests.

Bob Junior said, “It is so sad that the people of the 57 States do not appreciate the very many things that His Obamaness has done for them.”

Indeed, sad.


Near the time of the Annual April Day of Tribute, His Obamaness was vexed by Pirates, the Poodle, and the Panda. It happened thusly.

During a gathering of wealthy nations in Europa, Poodle, Leader of the Gauls, had shown wide smiles and much jocularity when in the presence of His Obamaness for Poodle basked in the adulatory attention given by Town Criers everywhere to the new POTUS.   

Nary a step was taken by His Obamaness and Poodle, particularly when in the company of their fair maidens, without the bright torches of the Town Crier Guilds illuminating their likenesses for the swooning enjoyment of peoples everywhere.

But, alas, after both had returned to their thrones, word was spread that the Poodle held His Obamaness in less favor than had seemed. A Crier from the London Guild said that a Crier from the Paris Guild, held in favor by those within the Poodle Palace, had whispered that, “The Poodle is annoyed by what he sees as the naivety and the herd mentality of the town criers.”  (The Town Crier Guild in the 57 States heeded this story not, for they found nothing in it favorable to His Obamaness, whom they adored.)

For his part, in speaking about Poodle, His Obamaness was heard to say, “He [Poodle] is courageous on so many fronts, it's sometimes hard to keep up with him.” As in dilettante.

And so it is that smiles in public can hide frowns in private.  

But, as the gods of fate would have it, this next tale, in the eternal circle of smiles and frowns, would find happiness throughout the Realm of the 57 States after the release of the brave captain and crew of a ship taken hostage by Pirates from the Horn of Africa.

This was, indeed, a story that ended well for all the people of the Realm, though not so good for several of the Pirates who, while seeking plunder on the seas, bought the farm.  When the moment came to decide whether or not to unleash the best archers of the Realm against the Pirates, the assembled dogs of war looked to POTUS for a nod of yes, or no.

And His Obamaness solemnly nodded his head, yes.  

But, as the gods of fate would have it, yet another tale in the eternal circle of smiles and frowns would find frowns on the faces of His Obamaness and his Exchequer, Sir Tiny Tim of Geithnerland, the most brilliant of all the money changers in the Realm.

It was known to all that His Obamaness spoke fine words written on tablets carried by two former circus workers of diminutive stature who stood, one to each side of Him, lifting high the royal tablets from which His Obamaness read when speaking before the people.  (Though little known at the time, Chief Chiseler of Royal Words was Jon of Favrea whom His Obamaness once called “He who reads my mind.” It was Jon who first chiseled the words “Yes I can” for His Obamaness. But I digress.)  

Some of His royal words spoke to the need to spend no more coins of the Realm than necessary. But, with the help of Sir Tiny Tim, and the Realm’s Chief Minter Helicopter Ben, His Obamaness, along with Princess Nancy and Prince Harry, were spending money as though they themselves were sailors recently released from Pirates and given many barrels of grog from which they savored even the dregs.

Now, so as to have coins beyond the ability of even Helicopter Ben to mint, His Obamaness looked once again across the Western Sea toward the Land of the Ginseng.  It was there that the Great Panda sat upon a gianomous pile of coins gained from selling beads-and-trinkets to the people of 57 States, as well as to peoples across the earth.

His Obamaness sent emissaries to kneel before the Great Panda and ask, as they had done before with much success, for another loan of coins. Long and elaborate were their supplications to the Panda saying how important it was to the Realm, and to His Obamaness, to borrow the Panda’s coins so as to do many great things for the people of the 57 States, and, lo, even for peoples in lands afar.

When the emissaries’ stopped talking, they looked with great anticipation to him who sat atop the coins for a decision.

And the Panda solemnly nodded his head, no.   

When His Obamaness and Sir Tiny Tim received word of the Panda’s nod, they quickly summoned Helicopter Ben to the POTUS Palace where they said to him, “Make haste to mint more coins to drop from your helicopter, Ben. Many more.”

And Helicopter Ben nodded his head, yes. There were some in those days who said it was the only nod his head could make.  

Now it came to pass that when the people of the 57 States head this, many gathered in villages across the 57 States on the Annual Day of Tribute to protest.

One Crier at the POTUS Palace was so bold to ask the Palace Attendant to Criers, Bob-ben-Baghdad Bob, his thoughts on the protests.

Bob Junior said, “It is so sad that the people of the 57 States do not appreciate the very many things that His Obamaness has done for them.”

Indeed, sad.