If, as predicted, the Democratic Obama-Biden ticket wins, all those late night comedians haunting the late evening hours will have to dig a little deeper for laughter because Senator Joseph Biden (DE) never, ever makes mistakes. Well, that's what he says anyway.
Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., said that in the past two and a half months since Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., selected him as running mate, he has been "value-added" to the Democratic ticket and never made any "big gaffes."
"I think we've run a really good campaign," Biden said today. "And for all the stuff about gaffes, I don’t think there have been any real gaffes. I mean, I don’t see anything in your polling data demonstrating any of that stuff you guys love to write about."
"I never make any big, big gaffes," he added. "I mean, you guys love saying that about me, but I tell you what, just look at the numbers. I don’t have any problem with what I’ve said and there’s nothing I’ve said that I would back off of."
Uh, ok Joe, we'll just rewrite the textbooks for accuracy to include that FDR was president in 1929 and that thanks to American ingenuity every American had a chicken in the pot and watched television in the family room when President Franklin Roosevelt went on television to reassure Americans about the stock market crash.
And of course, since your vast foreign policy experience overshadows that of your opponent we'll have to mention the successful alliance of France and the US which removed Hezbollah from Lebanon; how dare the Lebanese, the French and the Americans state something else. And as for plagiarizing the speeches of British politicians and passing off their biography as your own, why, of course we understand that your foreign policy expertise was so admired abroad that they imitated you.
And yes, you will restore civility and nonpartisanship to Congress as proven by your complimentary assessment of Senator John McCain.
...[C]riticizing McCain's foreign policy approach of "American exceptionalism."
"John's basically a go-it-alone guy," said the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations committee. "You know, it is John's fervent, and I admire it, fervent belief in sort of American exceptionalism, I mean, you know, 'Just gonna, we just go out and do it.'"
"John is the guy who lectures our Europeans friends, you know what I mean, and says 'Hey, let me tell you'," Biden said. "You know, and so diplomacy isn't a big piece of John. So in those two ways, John has been completely in my view, consistent with who John was."
In recent weeks, Biden has blasted McCain's campaign tactics and today he acknowledged that he was "disappointed" in GOP attacks and believed McCain had to be "uncomfortable" with them, too.
"I don't have any regret about it on our side," Biden said. "I really am a little disappointed in John. You know, I don't think John consciously sits down and says, you know, 'Let's go do the stuff that…' -- I can't believe he's not uncomfortable with it. You know what I mean? I just think John's like, 'I just gotta put on these combat boots, man, I gotta sludge through this, I got one shot, I gotta punch through and guys, you got the campaign, do what you think you gotta do and I'm gonna go out there and make my case about not quitting it and what it is.'"
And unlike Sarah Palin, who is undoubtedly an embarrassment to feminists for her accomplishments, feminists so admire your opinion of women. Uh, I mean girls.
Biden called his sister a "girl-boy," meaning a tomboy, and then explained that girl-boys are softer than "girl-girls."
"You know why I think Jill likes Claire McCaskill so well, Senator McCaskill? Jill is one of five sisters, Claire is one of three sisters. And I tell you what, you women raised with sisters are different than women raised with brothers," Biden said as both women joined him on stage.
"My sister is smart, runs every one of my campaigns; is beautiful; graduated with honors from college; is homecoming queen. But she's a ... she is what I call a 'girl-boy' growing up, you know what I mean?"
"And I tell you what? Girl-girls are tougher than girl-boys," he said. "But there's one important thing I noticed.The great thing about marrying into a family with five sisters, there's always one that loves you. 'Cause you can count on splitting them a bit. You know what I mean?
You just tell it like it is Joe Biden and no one will laugh at you. For some reason, they just can't. Oh, the next few years will be so laughless.