We occasionally receive email from Donnie Dobro, a faithful reader with a down—home sense of humor. Donnie thought he heard a challenge from John F. Kerry and issued a response of his own, accepting it. We reprint below the two latest chapters in the leadup to a forthcoming duel I only hope will be televised.
1. 9/17/06 Challenged by John Kerry
Greetings friends and fellow combatants. I have been challenged to a duel. To be specific, just a few days ago while referring to Swift Boat Sailors he stated:
'I'm prepared to kick their ass from one end of America to the other,' John Kerry, September 14, 2006.
Well, though you may not know it, I was a Swift Boat Sailor in Viet Namn from July of 1967 to July of 1968.
For those of you who may have forgotten or was to young to know about it, during this period the 1968 Tet offensive occurred. To learn more about it you can refer to Wikipedia. When I left Viet Nam, I left my desire for conflict. Now this gauntlet (a French word) has been thrown down before me.
As most of you know I just turned sixty a few days ago. What most of you don't know, I have a service connected disability from my service in Viet Nam. I have also worked hard all of my life and my body is just plain wore out. My knees are shot and I have little physical endurance. Not only that, I am a short man with short arms. All in all one could say that Donnie Dobro has little business out there trying to fight.
On the other hand, John Kerry has always lived a life of indolence. He has never engaged in honest labor. He has spent his life on the ski slopes and in private health clubs. He has his on personal trainers. His body is not worn out. His biggest challenges in life has been keeping social inferiors in their place.
Never has he been to busy to berate others. One must keep ones priorities in focus. He is a tall man with long arms and I am not aware of any health problems he may be experiencing. However, I will accept his challenge.
I think I can win. As JK laid out the challenge, by French tradition, I get to chose the weapons and the field of battle. I think I will chose Mt. Airy, N.C. as the location. He intends to kick ass all over America and though he may not know it, Mt Airy, N.C. is part of America.
My choice of weapons is chain saws. This is where I have an advantage. I am pretty sure that JK has never had a chain saw in his hands. I am pretty sure that he would have difficulty in starting one. They don't have electric starters you know. I think I could get mine started and win the battle while he is still pulling the cord.
Should he per chance get his started as soon as he would stick one of those big ole long arm out I would just lop it off. Another big advantage that I have is that when the road gets rough, JK changes direction. Donnie Dobro is known for being tenacious. So, if you want to observe the chain saw duel between John Kerry and Donnie Dobro in Mt. Airy N.C. (part of America) I will inform you of time as soon as I know it.
2. 9/24/06 Rapiers and Fencing
Greetings friends and fellow anticipators. Many have expressed interest in the upcoming chain—saw duel between John Kerry and Donnie Dobro. It is with regret that although it has been a week since I accepted John Kerry's challenge, I have at this time (9/24/06) received no response from him. I would not wish to cast aspersions but it appears he might have flip—flopped. However, I have got wind that he may have a secret plan to defeat Donnie Dobro.
Word has it that JK is an accomplished fencer. I hear tell that he has imported his Parisian fencing instructor to help him prepare for the upcoming blood—bath. Now, we have fencing here in Surry County, North Carolina but it is a different thing. Around here fencing is a physical device to keep something in or to keep something out. Over in backwards Europe, fencing is considered a sport. I ain't lying this time. Over there, two competitors dress in white tights, grasp a rapier ( a French word for "sissie—sword") in their right hand, put on a catchers mask with screen wire across it and put their left hand behind their back. Then they will prance around one another and clang their sissie—swords together.
Ever once in a while one of them will thrust his rapier (called a foil in Britain) towards his competitor who will then try to dance away. Should the thruster connect then one of them (I am not sure which) will holler "touch". Then they will congratulate one another and go eat fish eggs and snails, washing it down with that watery, sour wine that can only be produced in France.
Now, that is about all I know about European fencing.
I do know if anyone ever experiences the business end of a chain saw that they will also do some hollering but it won't be "touch". I am not lying this time. I also know that no one with any sense will engage in a chain—saw duel wearing white tights and a catchers mask. So, I think I am all right. I will update you on this upcoming event as soon as John Kerry flop—flips again.
With warm regards,