Blacks Raised Conservative. Vote Liberal. Go Figure.
All black families have a member they consider just a hair above subhuman.
Not the wife-beaters, nun-clubbers, or even the baby seal-rapers. It's someone far lower: the conservative.
At family gatherings, the conservative is strategically seated where wary eyes can be kept on him at all times in case he suddenly jumps up and starts trying to impose life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness on everyone. Families have been known to assign the comparatively more trustworthy members of their clans -- wife-beaters, etc. -- to record his every move and comments.
When young, black conservatives are very self-conscious and will seek out places to hide. A favorite place is behind bookshelves. Few ever bother to look in that direction. As the old joke goes: the best way to hide something from a black person is to put it in a book (or behind one).
As black conservatives age, they become more self-assured and gradually make their way out in front at family events -- the center of attention, running their mouths at every opportunity. It's amusing watching black families' discomfort as they feign small talk in desperate bids to steer clear of any subject the least bit political. But a black conservative in a mood for a bit of mischief is not one to be daunted.
Grandma: Nice weather we're having.
Family: It certainly is. Quite. Quite. Indubitably. Why don't we just kill this Uncle Tom? Hush, child.
Black Conservative: Great weather, indeed. No thanks to the stupid liberals. They fly around in gas-guzzling jets while they want us to drive little bitty wind-up cars to solve the "global warming" scam they're peddling. Damn hippies! When I think of the environmental crud they want us to swallow, I could puke toxic waste. You don't see any blackies among the greenies. Negroes got real problems to deal with. Thank you very much, Mr. Obama. You and those tree-huggers can kiss my black behind.
And so on and so forth until he's left completely alone. A black conservative on a rant can clear out a room full of family like nobody's business.
Every now and again, younger relatives of a black conservative work up the courage to ask about his beliefs. They approach with nervous little faces, as one might when querying an axe murderer:
"Are you really a conservative?"
"Yes, I am. And do you want to know what brought me to this lowly state? Your elders sitting over there, glowering at me with hate. They made me conservative."
They may vote liberal, but the values black parents once drilled deep into their children were antithetical to all things the left stands for. The lessons taught were done more out of necessity than kindness. No one knew more how difficult life can be when you do stupid, irresponsible things than a parent of a black child.
Black children were taught that no one else was responsible for their upkeep, so they'd better learn to love or at least tolerate working if they liked eating on a regular basis.
Black children were taught that no work was beneath them, especially if he or she didn't have a job, in which case any job was a good job to be appreciated and done well. Even if the job involved nothing more than sweeping floors, black parents taught their children to polish that pine until their reflection shone back at them.
Black children were taught that they had to be twice as good as any white person in the workplace if they expected to do half as well. No allowances would be made so don't waste time complaining. That's just the way things are so get used to it. Do your work and do it better than anyone else and success would follow.
Black children were taught that there were only two kinds of fair in this life -- state and county. If there were any other kind worth fretting about, then their skin would be white, their hair straight, and their last name Rockefeller.
Whenever most black children desired something beyond the basics, such as a bicycle, they were told: "Negro, there's these things called 'jobs,' and if you want money for a bike, I suggest you get up off your narrow black behind and go find one."
Black children were taught that many of the social issues that have become liberal touchstones -- such as gay marriage -- are sinful. Doubt it? Then walk into any black church, get up before the congregation, and say gay people should be able to get married. You'll quickly discover that the baptismal pool has uses beyond the cleansing of souls.
There was nothing special about the conservative lessons that black children were taught. Americans of all races, creeds, ethnicities, and national origins were also once taught the same by their parents. If you can believe it, the very same lessons were once staples of public school curricula across the nation. How long ago that seems.
The Drive-By Pundit is the pen name of Perry Drake, author of two recently published e-books, The Book of Racist Democrat Quotes and "Democratic Nigger!": The Long, Racist, Bloody Account of the Democrat Party's Hatred for Blacks. Both are available on Amazon.com. Perry can be reached at email@example.com, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/perry.drake.10, and on Twitter at @Perry_Drake.