The Mainstream Elf on the Shelf
Santa's "Elf on the Shelf" may be watching little girls and boys and sending reports of their naughty or nice behavior to the North Pole, but Mainstream Elves sit on America's shelves with a much bigger job.
Propped up by the Democrat-media complex, Mainstream Elves not only judge America's conduct, but also direct America's conversation. And instead of magically constructing free toys in North Pole workshops, these elves celebrate the funneling of taxpayer wealth into Uncle Santa's bag, and then the packaging and distribution of its contents. Visions of those vote-enticing goodies and schemes of stimulus programs dance in campaigning politicians' heads.
To a Mainstream Elf, naughty labels are earned for disbelief in Big Government Santa, logical questions beyond bumper-sticker talking points, or saying "no" to most any social issue. Occupying any space to the right of the Mainstream Elf-defined "mainstream" is extremely naughty. Niceness involves saying "yes," wealth-spreading, and investment-spending.
In a political nutshell, liberals, moderates, and undecideds populate the nice list, and conservatives constitute the naughty one. Although the New Media valiantly endeavors to crack that nut of popular perception, the Democrat-media complex runs the show.
Mainstream Elves, while watching spectacles like Occupy Wall Street, terrorist threats, or rising deficits and inflation, sit on the shelves covering their eyes, ears, and mouths. To the themes programmed by the media complex, the elves hum along to drown out conflicting New Media noise. The elves lead choruses of slogans and busily wrap promises of presents in bumper stickers and campaign posters.
Election-season carols authored by Mainstream Elves, rather than celebrating a country where all men are created equal with the right to pursue happiness, extol the virtues of a government that in its pursuit of fairness determines how equally merry we're free to be. Other songs take up the theme: Ask not what you can do for your country, but rather, make a list of what you want Uncle Santa to do for you. 'Cause Santa's comin' to town, and he wants your vote.
As Rush Limbaugh famously observed: "In a nation of children, Santa Claus wins[.] ... People are not going to vote against Santa Claus[.]" And Mainstream Elves work hard to make sure that the coolest Santa, with the biggest bag and the slickest sleigh, wins.
In the book The Death of the Grown-Up, author Diana West explains how and why America has indeed become a nation of perpetual adolescents. And if Obama represented Santa in this election, then the Mainstream Elves effectively characterized Romney as a heartless Grinch, ready to push that humongous sleigh of entitlement spending over the edge as it teeters atop the tipping point of the fiscal cliff.
Although Romney was ridiculed even by other Republicans for saying so, his "explanation of his election loss -- that President Obama bought the election with 'gifts' such as health insurance coverage and student loan forgiveness" -- may be closer to the truth than a lot of people want to believe.
Obama's Santa-bag was lined with everything from vague promises of hope and change to Obama-phones. Other treats such as government-backed loans, grants, relaxed welfare rules, amnesty, free college tuition, health care, and birth control added to its bulk. At election time, the contents of that magical vote-buyin' pack lured many to the polls.
"Fairness cards" spread redistribution cheer, with pictures of Uncle Santa stretching one mittened hand into the tax-paying pocket of half the country, with the other hand stuffing the stockings of the rest. Some cards displayed energizing sentiments such as "Forward!" and "We can't wait!" For the serious, there was "Thou shalt have fairness," and for the dreamers, "A world where everybody gets a fair shot." On others, "Playing by the same set of rules" appeared in bold print, footnoted with thousands of fine-print waivers, loopholes, and exceptions.
"War on Women" video games and Julia dolls were placed under targeted trees, and if the elves noticed that Peter's stocking contained more stuff than Paul's, they touted programs to even up the score. Because to a Mainstream Elf, even more important than focusing on feelings and more patriotic than paying a fair share (plus a little bit more) is the outcome of a leveled playing field.
Campaign donations also filled the pots in the lines that formed for a picture with Obama Claus and his rich and famous friends. Along with their wish lists, thousands of folks had their contact information added to his massive database. In return, Obama offered words of advice: vote for revenge, punish your enemies, and tax the rich -- because they didn't get there on their own.
Naughty conservatives and small business owners were admonished with "You didn't build that." They found their stockings filled with threats of tax increases and leftover lumps of bankrupted coal. Rural addresses, especially those in the Midwest and South, barely saw Obama's sleigh fly over rooftops as he hurried on his way to electoral-vote-rich states and urban areas.
All across the country, voters don't want to grow up, give up their Big Government security blankets, or read the moral and economic writing on the wall. They'd rather believe that Uncle Santa bought their well-deserved presents with greedy millionaires' stashes or magical Obama-money, and not with their own or future generations' earnings or on Chinese credit.
Mainstream Elves work hard to shush Scroogey conservatives who might burst the bubble with boring facts. And if it is true that visions of economic sugarplums buy elections -- then sugar-coating the Republican platform by moving it farther to the left on social issues will find us as many miles away from a solution as the deficit is deep.
So for now, we watch, along with the elves on our shelves, Uncle Santa's bloated, debt-ridden sleigh careen perilously close to the edge of the abyss. As the fiscal cliff looms, this holiday season may end with Americans singing Auld Lang Syne to economic prosperity, and finding, to paraphrase another famous line, that eventually Uncle Santa's bag is empty.
Unlike the Whos in Whoville, however, Uncle Santa voters who wake to that reality will probably not be inspired to hold hands and sing fah-who-foraze. They'll be on the hunt for a Grinch to blame.
The rest of us cling to the belief that although "America has been fundamentally transformed[,] God has not." Neither have the truths of the Declaration -- nor, most importantly, the real meaning of Christmas.