Acme Sharpened Pikes Report to StockholdersBy Clarice Feldman
This Report highlights for our stockholders some of the events taking place in Washington DC and the consequences of those developments on our profit picture this year.
We believe this is an exciting time of opportunity for our sharpened pike business and believe our timely entry into the business of providing citizens with a means of demonstrating their displeasure with their government and our convenient locations in Washington, D.C. and around the country foretells a banner year for Acme and its stockholders.
It is becoming increasingly clear to citizens that they are living in a punkocracy where ill-equipped political appointees and arrogant government employees use all powers at their disposal to beset and harass them, believing taxpayers exist to serve their interests and not vice versa.
One of the most appealing targets for our picket sales is airplane travelers, and for this a big thanks to TSA outside of whose office we are opening a new super size kiosk. In just recent days alone, TSA employees patted down a crying four year old girl because she hugged her grandmother who was undergoing a pat down; groped a congressman; stole $300 from a man during a humiliating search; worked with drug dealers to evade examination of drug-filled luggage at LAX; caused a family to miss its flight by aggressively screening a brace-laden 7 year old cerebral palsy sufferer; and were caught systematically stealing from passengers' luggage.
I wish it were legal to offer a portion of our profits to Janet Napolitano. Let's just say she brings good things to Acme Sharpened Pikes.
Right behind her in the agencies and departments to which we owe our growing fortunes is EPA which besides doing everything in its power to create serious energy shortages in a country overflowing with natural gas and oil, is the overbearing actions of its officials.
A typical example is Al Armendariz. He gave a speech in 2010 which just came to light in which he said:
He's wrong about the history and was forced to apologize for those remarks, but his attitude should be unsurprising to those who understand his history.
If you weigh his background for the job on the scale with his heavy handed arrogance in the balance, he'd be flipped out of office. Bryan Preston:
The obnoxious and historically inaccurate remark is just a glimpse at Armendariz' arrogance. His portfolio includes Texas, and the EPA has systematically attacked energy production in Texas by outrageous over reaching . Preston again:
The Administration's insults to stay at home moms , Catholics, travelers and harassment of energy producers, especially in Texas, would have been enough to keep our business roiling this year. But the Administration has given us even more: The goofballs drafted regulations that would keep farm kids from working on family farms. Presumably on anyone's farms, as a matter of fact. My friend MayBee asked, "How are the school kids going to work in Michelle Obama's garden if it's illegal to do farm work?"
Sarah Palin took a harder line on Facebook:
The Administration finally buckled but who believes they won't revert to form if Obama gets re-elected? I'd bet the 4-H members won't fall for that and we are setting up a special group rate on pikes for them. Doubt me on that? Apparently the Administration realizes the suspicion will linger. Dana Perino
And, now stockholders, we anticipate the best sales of the year. Voters just learned that Michelle Obama's vacay in Grenada cost them about half a million dollars and noticed that while increased gas costs are forcing them into staycations, the Obamas took 17 vacations while in office and are spending a fortune using government planes to flit about on the campaign trail.
More Americans are jobless and qualify for our special out- of- work pike discounts.
The media seemingly has worn out the letters on the word "unexpected" and has stopped using it when reporting bad economic news. Acme kiosks are being set up at unemployment offices around the country.
The PEW survey released this week, has our sales department so excited that we cancelled our advertising plans -- who needs an ad agency when we have this:
We are confident and excited about Acme's future. Assuming Obama isn't impeached or doesn't resign before the end of the year, we anticipate solid revenue and earnings growth in fiscal 2012.
We thank you, our shareholders, for your support and confidence in our operation. We are determined to justify your support by delivering ever greater revenues at least until the January inauguration. By November we will be announcing our next, exciting new venture, details of which I cannot yet divulge.
We express our sincere appreciation to Acme people countrywide for their commitment, creativity, and hard work on behalf of the company. Working as a team and with the continued input of the Administration punkocracy, Acme people drive the company's success. We thank them and the Obama Administration for a job well done.
President and Chief Executive Officer
April 29, 2012
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