January 7, 2012
25 Things Every Guy Should Not Know How to DoBy Sterling T. Terrell
Yes, there are lots of things every man should know how to do. There are lists everywhere. There are websites and magazines devoted to it. Rather typically, however, I find myself musing in the opposite direction. So listen close.
Every Guy Should Not Know How To:
1. Plan a wedding.
If you're in it, your only job is to show up on time. If you are simply attending, your responsibility is to eat and drink. The more wedding cake, the better. Try to have enough class to not get embarrassingly drunk, though.
2. Arrange flowers.
Sure, flowers look amazing in the Keukenhof Gardens near Amsterdam in the spring. But leave the arranging to the pros. Please.
3. Identify the brand name of a purse you see from over fifty feet away.
This is a skill only your wife should have. And if she does have it, she probably spends too much.
4. Distinguish between magenta and purple.
Identifying the primary colors is about all that is required. Artists get a pass.
5. Shop for hours without buying anything.
You are there for a purpose. Get in. Get it. Get out. Leisure time should be for shooting, sailing, golfing, traveling, reading, spending time with friends, etc. If you have not bought anything and are still milling around with salespeople after an hour of indecision -- you'd better be standing in front of a boat or an airplane.
6. Identify what your wife just served you for dinner.
If it has all been dumped together, you are probably eating a thick goulash, a stew, a casserole, or a quiche. You don't need any more details than that, so don't ask. "It's great, honey" will do.
7. Identify more than a handful of birds.
Redbirds and sparrows are okay. So are bluebirds. Maybe pigeons, too. Oh, and eagles. And falcons. Owls, crows, ravens, woodpeckers, seagulls, quail, roadrunners, buzzards, and grackles are all right, too. Well...maybe I know a lot more birds than I thought I did.
8. Change a diaper.
Come on. That's her job...most of the time.
9. Identify the best cleaner for a particular task.
That's the maid's business. Hire one, and stay out of her way.
10. Know the proper culinary uses for basil, oregano, rosemary, and cumin.
It's food. All you wanted was steak anyway. It's either good or it's not. Don't pretend to know what the chef went to school to learn.
11. Talk without saying anything.
That's what women sometimes compete at. If you need to speak, get to the point.
12. Go grocery shopping in a competent way.
Just royally screw up this simple task once, and she will never ask you to do it again. Thank goodness.
13. Mix an appletini.
You're a man. Don't be fruity.
14. Spend all day playing videogames.
Sure, it was fun when you were a kid -- but you grew up. And now you don't have the time for such frivolity. You swore at 25 that you would climb the Eiger, hike to the North Pole, and swim with the Great Whites in the next ten years. And which of those have you done so far? None of them...because you're playing videogames all day. Shame on you.
15. Know how to French-braid a girl's hair.
For that matter, you probably shouldn't know how to braid much of anything. You get a pass if you're a single father.
16. Pack for your wife.
Although she should know how to pack for you. And thank goodness she does -- or you would still be buying socks and t-shirts every time you went out of town for more than a day.
17. Arrange more than two pillows on a bed.
If you have more than two pillows on yours, you need someone else to help you use them.
18. Communicate predominantly by text.
A text message should be a convenience for you, not a way of life.
19. Set a formal dinner table.
It is odd that you know exactly what every utensil on the table is used for, but your mind goes blank when all the silverware is piled up and a clean table sits before you. If a formal set is required, let the house servant set the table -- that's what you pay him for. If you do not have a house servant, why in the world are you setting a formal dinner table anyway?
20. Decorate using Feng Shui.
You want a simple, classic look. Don't take it too far. And in most cases for decorating, China is too far.
21. Throw a baby shower.
Usually, no babies are at these things. It involves women, and presents. That's all you need to know.
22. Watch only one channel.
That TV remote has a purpose. Use the thing. Unless the game is on.
23. Browse a candle store.
Either they all smell good, or they all smell bad. Just leave it at that.
The truth is a virtuous thing. Be a man and embrace it -- even when you would rather not.
25. Completely understand a woman.
Know the basics. Most everything beyond that will elude you all of your natural life.
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