Naming Your Baby the Muslim Way

In the sillier precincts of liberalism the fashion arose a while ago to give babies Earth-loving names, like "Cloud," "Ocean," "Rock," "Pansy," "Gaia," or "Sequoia."  These names are listed on "Babynamesworld" on the web, so we know there must be growing teenagers somewhere called "Pansy," and "Cloud."  Poor kids.

Even though insects have by far the largest number of Gaia-dwelling species (other than bacteria), apparently no babies have yet been named "Long-nosed weevil" or "Fungus gnat."  And yet, insects are the most amazing creatures.  Strange.

It's odd that the Greens haven't caught on yet to teach us yet another lesson in loving Mother Gaia.  Maybe one of our readers will take the next big step in Green Awareness?

However, Muslims will have none of that infidel nonsense, and since they seem to be taking power all over the West (with the active connivance of the left), I will suggest some new baby names, so your child can grow up happily in a Shari'a world.  For example, Muammar Gaddafi's two sons were named Saif al Islam and Saif al Arab, which translates into the "Sword of Islam" and the "Sword of the Arabs."

Religious Christians and Jews will not be head-chopped under Shari'a law because they are People of the Book.  But they will have to settle for second class dhimmi status and occasional pogroms.  They won't be allowed to build houses taller than their Muslim neighbors, and they won't be able to ride horses (just donkeys, I'm afraid), and when they pass Muslims on the street they will have to step in the gutter and lower their heads in a little bow.  They will have to wear second-hand cast-off clothing, but then the fashionable already wearing fashionable torn jeans, right?  If you have a pet doggie it will have to be slaughtered, because dogs are religiously dirty.  Any Muslim who beats you up will be performing a public service, and in Shari'a court it takes twice as many Christians or Jews to be witnesses as it does Muslims.  Because Muslims are more truthful, you see.  (As for women being witnesses for crimes like violent rape, just forget it.  They just end up in the dock.)  That's Allah's law straight from the Archangel Gabriel to the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH!) in that tent in the 7th century, so this is serious stuff.

Christians may want to give their babies suitable names like "Sword of St. Francis," and "The Vengeance of Jesus Christ."  Religious Jews might not call their children "Sword of Zion," but it's barely possible that we'll see a passing fad for "Nukes of Zion."  These fashions come and go.

It's the atheists who are in heap big trouble, because they will be (a) dead, or (b) submit to the One True Faith.  (Remember, Islam means "submission.")  There's no middle way.  That's the whole point.

The question of naming the babies of atheist parents will therefore be settled without further ado, because there won't be any parents, and therefore no babies.  Hindus and Buddhists will also get the chop, as they have been for a thousand years in Asia, because they are not monotheists.  Sorry about that, all you peace-loving Buddhists.

Then there are the martyr names.  The word "Shaheed" means Holy Martyr, and Google brings up 6,150,000 hits with "Shaheed" as a first or last name.  There's a cricket player named "Shahid Afreedi."  (Afreed is a warrior tribe in Pakistan, not that they have any other kind.)

We can therefore have Politically Correct baby names like "Shaheed of Global Warming," "Shaheed for Non-violence," and of course the "Shaheed for Women's Rights," for all the little baby girls with optimistic parents.  But twice as popular as "shaheed" is "mahdi," meaning Savior or Messiah for faithful Muslims (but not for the rest of us).  If it's up to President Ahmadinejad, the Saudi Arabians will get the head chop when Imam Mahdi comes back, because they are the wrong kind of Muslims.  Well, that's what you get for your sins.

Mahdi scores more than 12,000,000 hits on Google (soon to be known as Al Google).  According to the wonderful website Mahdiwatch.org, which is keeping an eye out for all the rumored returns of Imam Mahdi:

Over the last 1400 years numerous claimants to the mantle of the Mahdi have arisen in both Shi`i and Sunni circles.  Modern belief in the coming of the Mahdi has manifested most famously in the 1979 al-`Utaybi uprising of Sa`udi Arabia, and most recently in the ongoing Mahdist movements (some violent) in Iraq, as well as in the frequently-expressed public prayers of Iranian President Ahmadinezhad bidding the Mahdi to return and, in the larger Sunni Islamic world, by claims that Usamah bin Ladin might be the Mahdi. (For an English debate about a new Mahdi, see this).

A'jad believes in the speedy return of the Imam Mahdi, who disappeared down a holy well in the year 846, and who will return in the missiles' bright glare of nuclear Armageddon.  As A'jad likes to say, what are nukes for?  Iran has actually named a new missile "Yah Mahdi!"  "Ya Mahdi!" means roughly whatever those Japanese Heavenly Wind suicide pilots were yelling as they were diving into American aircraft carriers.  It's sort of "Yay for the Divine Emperor!" in Arabic.

Now that Obama has decided not to even try to stop  Iranian nukes, we'll just have to find out what happens after A'jad gets his new toys.  One of Iran's state-of-the-art North Korean missile bases is named after the Imam Ali, which is like naming our ICBM bases after Saint Augustine or your local rabbi.  Maybe Mother Sheehan would like missile base named after her?  She is the liberal equivalent of a saint martyred by George W. Bush.

If anyone survives nuclear Armageddon they will want to name their babies like the famous Iraqi football player "Mahdi Kareem Ajeel."

We have already had champion heavyweight Muhammed Ali, of course, named after both The Prophet (PBUH!) as well as his successor, uncle Ali (PBUH!  PBUH!).  We had Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and Yussuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens.

But none of those folks got their Muslim names as babies.  They had to wait  to see the light.  Now, as we have learned from the radical left, giving babies new names isn't nearly good enough for Political Correctness.  No, we will have to change the names of baseball teams (how's "Somali Pirates" for the "Pittsburgh Pirates"?).

There will have to be affirmative action for Muslims wherever the Federal government can reach, including women's volleyball, which will be played by coeds wearing black tents.  Watch for the moment when Christiane Ahmanpour starts to wear a sexy black mask on TV.

Muslim names are already showing up in the media.  I think there's already a Shahid writing for the Washington Post, or one of those rags.

The reason for Muslim affirmative action, of course, is that Muslims have long been victimized by American male chauvinist fundamentalist Christian imperialistic pigs.  Or don't you remember President Thomas Jefferson and the Shores of Tripoli?  We all have a lot of historical sins to make up for, going back to the Song of Roland and the Byzantine Empire, as the Pope mentioned several years ago.  Fortunately we now have a president with an Arabic name, and our relationships with Egypt and Saudi Arabia are getting better already.

And if any leftist atheists are left alive to complain about their treatment by Shari'a, just remind them that Political Correctness cuts both ways.  Like Saif al PC.

Literally.
In the sillier precincts of liberalism the fashion arose a while ago to give babies Earth-loving names, like "Cloud," "Ocean," "Rock," "Pansy," "Gaia," or "Sequoia."  These names are listed on "Babynamesworld" on the web, so we know there must be growing teenagers somewhere called "Pansy," and "Cloud."  Poor kids.

Even though insects have by far the largest number of Gaia-dwelling species (other than bacteria), apparently no babies have yet been named "Long-nosed weevil" or "Fungus gnat."  And yet, insects are the most amazing creatures.  Strange.

It's odd that the Greens haven't caught on yet to teach us yet another lesson in loving Mother Gaia.  Maybe one of our readers will take the next big step in Green Awareness?

However, Muslims will have none of that infidel nonsense, and since they seem to be taking power all over the West (with the active connivance of the left), I will suggest some new baby names, so your child can grow up happily in a Shari'a world.  For example, Muammar Gaddafi's two sons were named Saif al Islam and Saif al Arab, which translates into the "Sword of Islam" and the "Sword of the Arabs."

Religious Christians and Jews will not be head-chopped under Shari'a law because they are People of the Book.  But they will have to settle for second class dhimmi status and occasional pogroms.  They won't be allowed to build houses taller than their Muslim neighbors, and they won't be able to ride horses (just donkeys, I'm afraid), and when they pass Muslims on the street they will have to step in the gutter and lower their heads in a little bow.  They will have to wear second-hand cast-off clothing, but then the fashionable already wearing fashionable torn jeans, right?  If you have a pet doggie it will have to be slaughtered, because dogs are religiously dirty.  Any Muslim who beats you up will be performing a public service, and in Shari'a court it takes twice as many Christians or Jews to be witnesses as it does Muslims.  Because Muslims are more truthful, you see.  (As for women being witnesses for crimes like violent rape, just forget it.  They just end up in the dock.)  That's Allah's law straight from the Archangel Gabriel to the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH!) in that tent in the 7th century, so this is serious stuff.

Christians may want to give their babies suitable names like "Sword of St. Francis," and "The Vengeance of Jesus Christ."  Religious Jews might not call their children "Sword of Zion," but it's barely possible that we'll see a passing fad for "Nukes of Zion."  These fashions come and go.

It's the atheists who are in heap big trouble, because they will be (a) dead, or (b) submit to the One True Faith.  (Remember, Islam means "submission.")  There's no middle way.  That's the whole point.

The question of naming the babies of atheist parents will therefore be settled without further ado, because there won't be any parents, and therefore no babies.  Hindus and Buddhists will also get the chop, as they have been for a thousand years in Asia, because they are not monotheists.  Sorry about that, all you peace-loving Buddhists.

Then there are the martyr names.  The word "Shaheed" means Holy Martyr, and Google brings up 6,150,000 hits with "Shaheed" as a first or last name.  There's a cricket player named "Shahid Afreedi."  (Afreed is a warrior tribe in Pakistan, not that they have any other kind.)

We can therefore have Politically Correct baby names like "Shaheed of Global Warming," "Shaheed for Non-violence," and of course the "Shaheed for Women's Rights," for all the little baby girls with optimistic parents.  But twice as popular as "shaheed" is "mahdi," meaning Savior or Messiah for faithful Muslims (but not for the rest of us).  If it's up to President Ahmadinejad, the Saudi Arabians will get the head chop when Imam Mahdi comes back, because they are the wrong kind of Muslims.  Well, that's what you get for your sins.

Mahdi scores more than 12,000,000 hits on Google (soon to be known as Al Google).  According to the wonderful website Mahdiwatch.org, which is keeping an eye out for all the rumored returns of Imam Mahdi:

Over the last 1400 years numerous claimants to the mantle of the Mahdi have arisen in both Shi`i and Sunni circles.  Modern belief in the coming of the Mahdi has manifested most famously in the 1979 al-`Utaybi uprising of Sa`udi Arabia, and most recently in the ongoing Mahdist movements (some violent) in Iraq, as well as in the frequently-expressed public prayers of Iranian President Ahmadinezhad bidding the Mahdi to return and, in the larger Sunni Islamic world, by claims that Usamah bin Ladin might be the Mahdi. (For an English debate about a new Mahdi, see this).

A'jad believes in the speedy return of the Imam Mahdi, who disappeared down a holy well in the year 846, and who will return in the missiles' bright glare of nuclear Armageddon.  As A'jad likes to say, what are nukes for?  Iran has actually named a new missile "Yah Mahdi!"  "Ya Mahdi!" means roughly whatever those Japanese Heavenly Wind suicide pilots were yelling as they were diving into American aircraft carriers.  It's sort of "Yay for the Divine Emperor!" in Arabic.

Now that Obama has decided not to even try to stop  Iranian nukes, we'll just have to find out what happens after A'jad gets his new toys.  One of Iran's state-of-the-art North Korean missile bases is named after the Imam Ali, which is like naming our ICBM bases after Saint Augustine or your local rabbi.  Maybe Mother Sheehan would like missile base named after her?  She is the liberal equivalent of a saint martyred by George W. Bush.

If anyone survives nuclear Armageddon they will want to name their babies like the famous Iraqi football player "Mahdi Kareem Ajeel."

We have already had champion heavyweight Muhammed Ali, of course, named after both The Prophet (PBUH!) as well as his successor, uncle Ali (PBUH!  PBUH!).  We had Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and Yussuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens.

But none of those folks got their Muslim names as babies.  They had to wait  to see the light.  Now, as we have learned from the radical left, giving babies new names isn't nearly good enough for Political Correctness.  No, we will have to change the names of baseball teams (how's "Somali Pirates" for the "Pittsburgh Pirates"?).

There will have to be affirmative action for Muslims wherever the Federal government can reach, including women's volleyball, which will be played by coeds wearing black tents.  Watch for the moment when Christiane Ahmanpour starts to wear a sexy black mask on TV.

Muslim names are already showing up in the media.  I think there's already a Shahid writing for the Washington Post, or one of those rags.

The reason for Muslim affirmative action, of course, is that Muslims have long been victimized by American male chauvinist fundamentalist Christian imperialistic pigs.  Or don't you remember President Thomas Jefferson and the Shores of Tripoli?  We all have a lot of historical sins to make up for, going back to the Song of Roland and the Byzantine Empire, as the Pope mentioned several years ago.  Fortunately we now have a president with an Arabic name, and our relationships with Egypt and Saudi Arabia are getting better already.

And if any leftist atheists are left alive to complain about their treatment by Shari'a, just remind them that Political Correctness cuts both ways.  Like Saif al PC.

Literally.