Welcome to AT&T!

I'm pleased to inform you that Consumer Reports has rated AT&T as the worst of all major cell phone carriers.  I can assure you that they deserve the honor, at least with regard to their customer service telephone line.

A few months ago, I had some trouble with my broadband connection.  I was told to call the AT&T customer service number for technical support.  Half an hour later, I wearily hung up the phone after having endured something like this:

(1) Welcome to the American Thinker! Si Usted lee sola en español, por favor vaya al (14).  If this is a life-threatening emergency, stop reading immediately and call 911.  Please select from the following options:

  • If you are new to the American Thinker, please go to (15).
  • If you wish to contribute to the American Thinker, please go to (8).
  • If you wish to complain about a previous article, please go to (6).
  • If you voted for Barack Obama, please go to (20).
  • For all other issues, please go to (11).
(2) Oops! You have reached the wrong paragraph. Please go to (19).

(3) If you are dissatisfied with this column, please call 1-800-331-0500 and state your complaint. Then go to (5).

(4) Please answer the following questions:

  • Your name, rank, and serial number.
  • Your birth date, social security number, and bank account passwords.
  • Your reason for reading this article.
Then go to (17).

(5) I'm sorry but your identification does not match our records. Please go back to (1) and start over.

(6) This is not an operating paragraph. Please go to (4).

(7) You have reached the wrong paragraph. Please go to (19).

(8) Please go here and have your checkbook ready.  When you have sent in your donation, go to (11).

(9) If you work for AT&T, please go to (7); if not, proceed to (22).

(10) You have reached this paragraph by mistake.  Please go to (3).

(11) Before you proceed further, you must identify yourself.  Please go to (9).

(12) Please wait five minutes and then go to (13).  While you are waiting, you may wish to listen to music, but please hurry back.

(13) This information can be found only at (10).  Please go there immediately.  Do not be discouraged by any "this paragraph cannot be found" messages; keep on trying until you get through.  If this fails after five minutes of trying, go to (3).

(14) Lo siento, pero este artículo no está disponible en español.  Aprenda inglés, por favor, y vaya entonces al (1).

(15) Please go here.  Then go back to (1) and start over.

(16) Please go to (7).

(17) I'm sorry, but this paragraph is under construction.  Please return after September 1, 2011.  We apologize for the inconvenience.  Please go to (3).

(18) I'm sorry, but you have reached the wrong paragraph.  Please go back to (1) and start over.

(19) Please pat you head while rubbing your tummy for one minute and then go to (16).

(20) Go to (2).  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.

(21) We are conducting a survey on the helpfulness of this article.  If you wish to participate, please go to (12).  If not, go to (18).

(22) Please enter your name, address, date of birth, Social Security number, primary bank account, and password.  Then go to (21).  If you do not wish to provide this information, please go to (20).

(23)  Thank you for reading the American Thinker.  Goodbye!
I'm pleased to inform you that Consumer Reports has rated AT&T as the worst of all major cell phone carriers.  I can assure you that they deserve the honor, at least with regard to their customer service telephone line.

A few months ago, I had some trouble with my broadband connection.  I was told to call the AT&T customer service number for technical support.  Half an hour later, I wearily hung up the phone after having endured something like this:

(1) Welcome to the American Thinker! Si Usted lee sola en español, por favor vaya al (14).  If this is a life-threatening emergency, stop reading immediately and call 911.  Please select from the following options:

  • If you are new to the American Thinker, please go to (15).
  • If you wish to contribute to the American Thinker, please go to (8).
  • If you wish to complain about a previous article, please go to (6).
  • If you voted for Barack Obama, please go to (20).
  • For all other issues, please go to (11).
(2) Oops! You have reached the wrong paragraph. Please go to (19).

(3) If you are dissatisfied with this column, please call 1-800-331-0500 and state your complaint. Then go to (5).

(4) Please answer the following questions:

  • Your name, rank, and serial number.
  • Your birth date, social security number, and bank account passwords.
  • Your reason for reading this article.
Then go to (17).

(5) I'm sorry but your identification does not match our records. Please go back to (1) and start over.

(6) This is not an operating paragraph. Please go to (4).

(7) You have reached the wrong paragraph. Please go to (19).

(8) Please go here and have your checkbook ready.  When you have sent in your donation, go to (11).

(9) If you work for AT&T, please go to (7); if not, proceed to (22).

(10) You have reached this paragraph by mistake.  Please go to (3).

(11) Before you proceed further, you must identify yourself.  Please go to (9).

(12) Please wait five minutes and then go to (13).  While you are waiting, you may wish to listen to music, but please hurry back.

(13) This information can be found only at (10).  Please go there immediately.  Do not be discouraged by any "this paragraph cannot be found" messages; keep on trying until you get through.  If this fails after five minutes of trying, go to (3).

(14) Lo siento, pero este artículo no está disponible en español.  Aprenda inglés, por favor, y vaya entonces al (1).

(15) Please go here.  Then go back to (1) and start over.

(16) Please go to (7).

(17) I'm sorry, but this paragraph is under construction.  Please return after September 1, 2011.  We apologize for the inconvenience.  Please go to (3).

(18) I'm sorry, but you have reached the wrong paragraph.  Please go back to (1) and start over.

(19) Please pat you head while rubbing your tummy for one minute and then go to (16).

(20) Go to (2).  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.

(21) We are conducting a survey on the helpfulness of this article.  If you wish to participate, please go to (12).  If not, go to (18).

(22) Please enter your name, address, date of birth, Social Security number, primary bank account, and password.  Then go to (21).  If you do not wish to provide this information, please go to (20).

(23)  Thank you for reading the American Thinker.  Goodbye!