December 9, 2010
Stella Paul's Top Ten Government Follies of 2010By Stella Paul
For American lovers of governmental idiocy, fraud, cowardice, and tyranny, 2010 was a year to be cherished -- ending with promises of even more exciting idiocies to come. All for your own good, of course!
Behold the Top 10 Highlights of the Great Government Grope of 2010. Don't you just swell with pride, seeing your tax dollars at play? (Careful you don't swell too much. TSA agents are already complaining how yucky it is to strip-search "fatties.")
Folly One: The federal government sued Arizona for the ultimate crime: enforcing federal law!
It takes special genius -- make that Obama genius -- to claim it's illegal to uphold the law. But apparently, no logic is too preposterous for our beloved president. When the good people of Arizona got fed up with Mexican drug cartels killing ranchers, attacking border agents, and turning Phoenix into the "kidnapping capital of America," they knew Washington wouldn't help.
So they passed a law that carefully mirrored federal law, enabling police to ask a crime suspect about his legal status. That means next time "Mad Dog" Gonzalez is caught dismembering his latest victim, an Arizona police officer can say, "Your papers, sir."
Not so fast, said our president! Swatting away the law's staggering popularity (70% of Arizonans and 64% of Americans support it), Obama directed his Justice Department to sue Arizona, declaring SB 1070 unconstitutional.
But even that wasn't enough! Oh, no! Craving approval from the international set, Obama ratted out Arizona to the viperous U.N., deploring the Grand Canyon State's "human rights violations" to the likes of North Korea and Iran. To top it off, his minions confessed Arizona's sins to the Chinese, who took time off from harvesting the organs of political dissenters to applaud our self-abasement.
It's really quite stunning -- isn't it? -- what exertions our government will make on behalf of criminal aliens and machine-gunning, drug-dealing Mexican gangs. What tender mercies our government bestows upon "Sick Freak" Lopez! How delicate the kid gloves with which our government strokes "Ten Bullets" Rodriguez!
Folly Two: The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) roughly gropes 3-year-old autistic children, old men with urine bags, and crippled women with artificial knees, just to avoid the liberal taboo of profiling.
"Just the looks on their faces, some of them, the fear," said a TSA agent about the senior citizens who are the most frequent targets of full-bore gropefests. These highly dangerous Garden Club presidents and Korean War vets have artificial knees, artificial hips, and pacemakers that set off metal detectors and unleash the official full monty.
Naturally, mothers with breast milk are particularly dangerous hellcats who should be publicly humiliated and forced to miss their flights. And that goes double for menstruating women, cancer survivors with breast prostheses, and 80-year-old nuns in wheelchairs -- how dare they? says the TSA!
As we adjust to our new national motto -- Live Free or Fly -- airports have become 21st-century dystopias: vast, air-conditioned gulags, where dead-eyed strangers stretch out rubber hands at our children's privates and we stare off blankly into the distance, helpless to protect them.
Well, dear reader, next time you're groped, you'll have only yourself to blame. None of this would have happened if you hadn't insisted on going to your niece's wedding in Minneapolis!
And, besides, you could have sailed right through if you'd just worn a burka. Yes, CAIR has already demanded that Muslim women be allowed to pat down themselves, and so far, Big Sis hasn't said no. Care to place your bets now?
Folly Three: Because your government cares so dang much about your every wart and sniffle, Obamacare was rammed through to destroy the best medical system in history.
Skyrocketing insurance premiums...children's coverage dropped...seniors coverage dropped...hospitals shuttered...222 waivers for "special situations"... What's not to like about Obamacare?
Just take comfort as you wait six excruciating months for that urgent cardiology appointment; it's all because your government loves you so very, very much.
Folly Four: TSA agents are spreading infectious diseases to thousands of travelers, and those naked body scanners are cancer-incubators run amok.
It's called spreadin' the glove, since TSA agents wear rubber gloves for their protection, not yours. Many travelers have noticed that TSA agents don't change gloves between passengers, even though they're groping, fondling, and rubbing in the most intimate, unsanitary of places.
Would you go to a doctor who wore the same gloves for fifty patients? Here's what doctors are warning you may contract from all that TSA glovin': syphilis, lice, gonorrhea, ringworm, chlamydia, staph, strep, noro and papilloma viruses, and an encyclopedia of tropical diseases. Enjoy the flight!
But, hey, when your 11-year-old daughter comes down with syphilis, at least she can share something special with Grandpa and Aunt Betty, who stood next to her in line.
And occasionally, passengers do get revenge, which explains that sudden outbreak in Boston of TSA agents with scabies.
Of course, if you don't want ringworm with your grope, you can always opt for cancer. Four experts on cancer, biophysics, and X-ray imaging at the University of California San Francisco have written an open letter to Obama's Science Advisor decrying the lack of any independent testing of the machines:
Those experts are pretty funny guys, thinking anybody in government is going to pay attention to them! Who in ObamaLand is going to make a scientific fact-based decision that break a liberal taboo?
Big Sis has big plans for you, and a little cancer isn't going to get in her way. She's busy rolling out the grope-and-cancerize routine to your local bus, train, boat, and subway. In fact, in Tampa, it's already here. Thanks, TSA!
You can take comfort in knowing your daily cancer-blast is enriching your senators, government bureaucrats, and good old George Soros. A totally coincidental side-effect, of course!
Folly Five: The government twiddled its thumbs, whistled Lady Gaga tunes, and downloaded episodes of "Lost" instead of shutting down WikiLeaks, or al-Qaeda's English language magazine, or thousands of crazy jihad sites and YouTube videos.
Indict Julian Assange? Extradite him from Sweden? Get Amazon to stop hosting Wikileaks? Bo-ring, says your government.
Yeah, sure, when thousands of diplomatic cables are released that embarrass Obama and Clinton, the feds may write a strong letter of concern.
But 'til then, the Department of Homeland Security has got much more important things to do.
Folly Six: The Department of Homeland Security shut down 82 counterfeit goods and music sites overnight, without warning or due process.
WikiLeaks may dump 250,000 damaging documents, but at least that knockoff Burberry scarf won't be sold for one more day. The Department of Homeland Security has priorities!
Due process? They don't need no stinking due process.
Folly Seven: The president of the United States turned the world's attention to America's most bitter enemy: The Chamber of Commerce.
Nothing says evil like organizations that promote local business. Who could possibly negotiate with the Chamber of Commerce? Those bloodcurdling maniacs actually want to increase jobs!
No, our government has far more reasonable organizations to reach out to. For example...
Folly Eight: The government "negotiated" with Taliban impostors and gave them "lots of money."
Behold your Nobel Peace Laureate and assorted State Department geniuses at work! Feel that Harvard brain power in action!
What a relief we don't have that ridiculous Sarah Palin in charge. With her lousy state college education, she might ask stupid questions, like "why are we negotiating with the Taliban at all?" Does "negotiate" have to mean "shower with money? And who's the real impostor in this pathetic situation?
Folly Nine: 70% of Oklahoma voters voted to ban Shariah law, but Judge Vicki Miles-LaGrange said no.
Judge Vicki says, "You're going to get a theocratic legal system that mandates killing of apostates, hanging of gays, and honor killings of women, because I say so. Now eat your Shariah and like it, Oklahoma!"
And speaking of eating...
Folly Ten: The Senate voted to nationalize the food supply and set up crime units to hunt down wayward tomatoes. You can't be trusted with zucchini, America!
After all, the EU regulated the curvature of a banana. Well, be thankful that the government is incompetent at legislating, too. A technical oversight has sent S 510 into temporary cold storage. So for now, George Soros's mega-profits from his Monsanto investments will have to wait. The backyard tomato lives on!
My fellow Americans, 2010 ends with government of the people, by the people, for the people in a lethal coma, kept alive only by intravenous infusions of Tea. Feel free to add your examples below. Onward to 2011!
Stella Paul can be reached at Stellapundit@aol.com.