The Peculiar Exploits of the 111th Congress

Alas, if only we were privy to the myriad wearisome yet awe-inspiring deeds upon which our tireless congressmen spend the bulk of their time laboring on our behalf. We might have a lot more empathy for their lot in life. Undoubtedly, their unswerving dedication to the call of duty as public servants makes them eminently worthy of our undying devotion.

Little do we know that many of these unsung heroes spend their workdays perpetually standing up for the rights of the oppressed, faithfully upholding the principles that have made this country great, and diligently concocting  bold new ways to spend the involuntary tithes plundered from the coffers of ungrateful dissenters and constituents alike. And if that isn't enough, rarely do they ask for any tokens of recognition for the enormous sacrifices they make on a daily basis.  

Take Democrat congressman Al Green from Texas, for example. Why, just a few days ago, his superlative parliamentarian skills were strategically deployed -- buttressed by the full sponsorship of forty other courageous Democrat congressmen and one Independent -- as he braved the obstinate winds of convention and introduced a bill destined to be enshrined in the annals of bureaucratic history. The bill will be a model of government efficiency and peerless ingenuity such as we have grown accustomed to expect from that dynamic branch of government where Mr. Green faithfully serves.  

Congressman Green acknowledges that a fiercely partisan atmosphere prevails in today's 111th Congress, and forging important legislation requires the focused and determined efforts of all our esteemed public officials. Thus in the spirit of true grit and enterprise, this audacious representative introduced the aforementioned bill, which was intended to recognize the great contributions bestowed upon society in areas such as politics, worship, and education by that most distinguished Asian philosopher, that inimitable purveyor of pithy aphorisms and all-around nice guy: Confucius. And when we think important legislation, the name Confucius does naturally spring to mind, does it not? Why, the man is practically a household name in this country.

Moreover, this revered philosopher of the ages did, on occasion, utter numerous, mildly esoteric pronouncements which have lent invaluable guidance to millions of disoriented souls in search of spiritual fulfillment throughout history. This alone should easily warrant at least a bridge, or any such landmark, named after him. What's a piece of legislation in comparison but a paltry summons to an homage well deserved for the many contributions this venerable sage made to the cultural heritage of nations? This is especially true in our day, when virtually all one has to do is cast one's eyes upon the horizon and venture impossible promises before being deemed worthy of the Nobel Prize.

Of course, there will be scoffers -- as there always are -- bemoaning the fact that indeed, too many of our esteemed congressmen habitually squander their precious time attending to relatively trivial concerns. You may hear them lament: why not draft a bill instead that addresses the needs of those who may be negatively affected by the more draconian measures embedded in our impetuous president's health care proposal? Why not a bill to fund domestic security, given the recent explosion of violent crime and terrorist activity in our country? Or perhaps a bill geared towards reevaluating the dubious efficiency of moribund, federally funded programs that have quickly outlived their usefulness?

Indeed, Congressman Green will have to endure being castigated for his alleged distraction with disordered priorities. Predictably, such grumblings will come from jealous members of the Republican Party, who essentially begrudge the fact that their lack of zeal has once again hampered their ability to come up with a better, or at least an equally brilliant, proposal, before their more industrious rivals in Congress beat them to the punch. Their discontent is really more a sign of their lack of initiative.

But all this is par for the course.

In fact, no sooner had Congressman Green submitted his request than Arizona's Republican congressman Jeff Flake rushed to make his opposition known, donning that contemptuous tone that is emblematic of his other closed-minded peers in Congress, by declaring that "He who spends time passing trivial legislation may find himself out of time to read the health care bill." This is a classic illustration of an incorrigibly cynical approach to progress from someone notorious for entertaining such harebrained ideas like requiring his peers in Congress to enroll in the government-run healthcare program they voted for. How utterly preposterous.  

But thank God for Al Green's unyielding determination...not to mention his inexhaustible creativity, and that of his sponsors, who fully understand what it means to hold fast to your convictions.

It was for such a time as this that they were called to fearlessly brandish their uncanny political expertise in the service of our citizenry, most of whom are hopelessly misinformed, and to whom the fate of our presently beleaguered nation simply cannot be entrusted. Furthermore, keep them away from the passing of such momentous legislation, which is the subject of your fellow taxpayers' humble discourse.
Alas, if only we were privy to the myriad wearisome yet awe-inspiring deeds upon which our tireless congressmen spend the bulk of their time laboring on our behalf. We might have a lot more empathy for their lot in life. Undoubtedly, their unswerving dedication to the call of duty as public servants makes them eminently worthy of our undying devotion.

Little do we know that many of these unsung heroes spend their workdays perpetually standing up for the rights of the oppressed, faithfully upholding the principles that have made this country great, and diligently concocting  bold new ways to spend the involuntary tithes plundered from the coffers of ungrateful dissenters and constituents alike. And if that isn't enough, rarely do they ask for any tokens of recognition for the enormous sacrifices they make on a daily basis.  

Take Democrat congressman Al Green from Texas, for example. Why, just a few days ago, his superlative parliamentarian skills were strategically deployed -- buttressed by the full sponsorship of forty other courageous Democrat congressmen and one Independent -- as he braved the obstinate winds of convention and introduced a bill destined to be enshrined in the annals of bureaucratic history. The bill will be a model of government efficiency and peerless ingenuity such as we have grown accustomed to expect from that dynamic branch of government where Mr. Green faithfully serves.  

Congressman Green acknowledges that a fiercely partisan atmosphere prevails in today's 111th Congress, and forging important legislation requires the focused and determined efforts of all our esteemed public officials. Thus in the spirit of true grit and enterprise, this audacious representative introduced the aforementioned bill, which was intended to recognize the great contributions bestowed upon society in areas such as politics, worship, and education by that most distinguished Asian philosopher, that inimitable purveyor of pithy aphorisms and all-around nice guy: Confucius. And when we think important legislation, the name Confucius does naturally spring to mind, does it not? Why, the man is practically a household name in this country.

Moreover, this revered philosopher of the ages did, on occasion, utter numerous, mildly esoteric pronouncements which have lent invaluable guidance to millions of disoriented souls in search of spiritual fulfillment throughout history. This alone should easily warrant at least a bridge, or any such landmark, named after him. What's a piece of legislation in comparison but a paltry summons to an homage well deserved for the many contributions this venerable sage made to the cultural heritage of nations? This is especially true in our day, when virtually all one has to do is cast one's eyes upon the horizon and venture impossible promises before being deemed worthy of the Nobel Prize.

Of course, there will be scoffers -- as there always are -- bemoaning the fact that indeed, too many of our esteemed congressmen habitually squander their precious time attending to relatively trivial concerns. You may hear them lament: why not draft a bill instead that addresses the needs of those who may be negatively affected by the more draconian measures embedded in our impetuous president's health care proposal? Why not a bill to fund domestic security, given the recent explosion of violent crime and terrorist activity in our country? Or perhaps a bill geared towards reevaluating the dubious efficiency of moribund, federally funded programs that have quickly outlived their usefulness?

Indeed, Congressman Green will have to endure being castigated for his alleged distraction with disordered priorities. Predictably, such grumblings will come from jealous members of the Republican Party, who essentially begrudge the fact that their lack of zeal has once again hampered their ability to come up with a better, or at least an equally brilliant, proposal, before their more industrious rivals in Congress beat them to the punch. Their discontent is really more a sign of their lack of initiative.

But all this is par for the course.

In fact, no sooner had Congressman Green submitted his request than Arizona's Republican congressman Jeff Flake rushed to make his opposition known, donning that contemptuous tone that is emblematic of his other closed-minded peers in Congress, by declaring that "He who spends time passing trivial legislation may find himself out of time to read the health care bill." This is a classic illustration of an incorrigibly cynical approach to progress from someone notorious for entertaining such harebrained ideas like requiring his peers in Congress to enroll in the government-run healthcare program they voted for. How utterly preposterous.  

But thank God for Al Green's unyielding determination...not to mention his inexhaustible creativity, and that of his sponsors, who fully understand what it means to hold fast to your convictions.

It was for such a time as this that they were called to fearlessly brandish their uncanny political expertise in the service of our citizenry, most of whom are hopelessly misinformed, and to whom the fate of our presently beleaguered nation simply cannot be entrusted. Furthermore, keep them away from the passing of such momentous legislation, which is the subject of your fellow taxpayers' humble discourse.