September 6, 2009
The Obama Pain Index
By Andrew Thomas
There is a serious requirement for a quantitative rating system to accurately determine the precise amount of anguish and suffering being exacted on American citizens by each action and policy of the Obama administration. At this point in time, the preponderance of this pain is being felt by conservative-leaning citizens, since most of those on the left are still numb with the debilitating disease, "Obama Messiah Syndrome". This is thankfully beginning to dissipate, as indicated by recent polls, and pain levels on the left will soon approach the rest of the country. In my selfless attempt to fulfill this urgent need, I have used the model of the "Schmidt Sting Pain Index".
The Schmidt Sting Pain Index is a scale developed by entomologist Justin Schmidt, who allowed himself to be bitten by dozens of venomous insects in order to gauge their pain level and rate them on a scale ranging from 1.0 to 4.0+. His account is harrowing and painful to read (Warning: not for children or pregnant women):
- 1.0 The Sweat Bee: Light, ephemeral, almost fruity. A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.
- 1.2 The Fire Ant: Sharp, sudden, mildly alarming. Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch.
- 1.8 The Bullhorn Acacia Ant: A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain. Someone has fired a staple into your cheek.
- 2.0 The Bald-Faced Hornet: Rich, hearty, slightly crunchy. Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door.
- 2.0 The Yellowjacket: Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine W. C. Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.
- 2.x The Honey Bee and The European Hornet: Like a matchhead that flips off and burns on your skin.
- 3.0 The Red Harvester Ant: Bold and unrelenting. Somebody is using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail.
- 3.0 The Paper Wasp: Caustic & burning. Distinctly bitter aftertaste. Like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.
- 4.0 The Tarantula Hawk: Blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath.
- 4.0+ The Bullet Ant: Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch rusty nail in your heel.
In like fashion, after intense scientific investigation and personal agony, I developed the "Obama Pain Index":
- 1.0 The Hypocrisy Bee: Listening to the Obama administration rail against "astroturf" protests against Obamacare, and then watching them organize 500 of their own pro-Obamacare astroturf demonstrations across the country. Feels like a mild jab in the groin, mitigated by the knowledge that most of the Red Shirts (ACORN) and Purple Shirts (SEIU) probably won't show up unless they are paid.
- 1.6 The Underground Tarantula: Finding out that the Stimulus bill was actually written by former members of the radical Weather Underground from the 60's now running the radical "Apollo Alliance", and still hearing some people wonder out loud why no one was allowed to read it. A searing sensation like a hot poker stuck in your ear, smoldering with the realization that we have been had.
- 2.0 The Senior Snuff Spider: Seeing AARP officials deny they support Obamacare while running pro-Obamacare television ads paid for by their shell organization, "Health Action Now!" A heavy gnawing in the gut, followed by the bitter taste of betrayal.
- 2.3 The Selective Prosecutor Beetle: Hearing Eric Holder declare that he is conducting criminal investigations of the CIA patriots who uncovered multiple terror plots through interrogation of murderous terrorists because he must "follow the law". This, after dropping the open and shut voter intimidation case against the Black Panther Party thugs who were captured on video threatening voters with clubs. An angry piercing sensation like being repeatedly jabbed by six foot long needles, accompanied by the insane urge to strap Holder to a waterboard.
- 2.5 The Democrat Stink Bug: Listening to Democrat congressmen try to foist a crappy government-run healthcare plan on their constituents while repeatedly voting down Republican amendments to force Congress to adopt the plan for themselves, preferring their current privately-run "Cadillac" healthcare plan. Has the sensation of clenching your jaw so hard your teeth explode.
- 3.0 The King Bee: Remembering candidate Obama say that we all need to have "skin in the game" and sacrifice our lifestyles by not keeping our thermostats at 72 degrees and not having all we want to eat, then witnessing President Obama throw Wednesday cocktail parties, go out on $250,000 dates with Michelle, take luxurious vacations in Hawaii and Martha's Vineyard, and set the White House thermostat to 80 degrees in the winter. A bolt of lightning passing through your head with simultaneous blood shooting from your eyes (apologies to GB).
- 3.3 The Two-Headed Depression-Hyperinflation Beetle: Knowing that the US economy cannot sustain its current level of perceived stability much longer while under the burden of a $9 trillion ten-year deficit, tax revenues shrinking by 18%, and a true unemployment rate of about 20%, while the Obama administration announces that "the stimulus is working". An agonizing feeling of impending doom in the pit of your stomach, followed by profound sadness.
- 3.7 The Killer Panel Bee: Hearing Obama tout his government-run healthcare by saying, "Maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller", while ridiculing those who dare suggest that "death panels" are part of the plan. The true horror is in the realization that "death panels" have already become law, slipped into the Stimulus bill along with dozens of other Constitution killers during the dead of night (see "The Underground Tarantula, above). Feels like being dropped into a slow wood chipper feet-first.
- 4.0 The Green Hornet: Endless propaganda about "green jobs" and a "green economy" powered by windmills and solar panels, while Obama gives $2 billion in loan guarantees to Brazil to drill for oil to sell to China. Proves that he knows global warming is a total farce, but a convenient "crisis". Like burying your fingers into your chest and pulling out your heart in utter frustration.
- 4.0+ The Evil Army Ant: Witnessing Obama announce a new national day of celebration in honor of his emerging AmeriCorps shadow army...on September 11, 2009. Produces an agony similar to what the dread Pirate Roberts would feel strapped into Prince Humperdink's torture machine set on "12".
This article is a public service announcement to warn all American Thinker readers to be wary of any of the above dangerous species. Please immediately report any other "venomous insects" that may qualify for the Obama Pain Index. Your cooperation is appreciated.