September 21, 2009
Racists Anonymous: The 12-Step Program for White Redemption
By Claude Sandroff
- 1. We are powerless over racism. We are white. It's in our DNA, and it's on display from infancy. Unpublished scientific studies show that when presented with a white ball and a black ball, the white infant will choose the white ball 99% of the time. In contrast, the black infant will choose the black ball exactly 50% of the time. To the black infant no race is preferable over another. It's in his DNA. The only known exception is the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. When presented with a black ball and a white ball the infant Jeremiah chose the black ball 100% of the time. Indeed, when he was strong enough, he picked up the black ball with both hands and used it to smash the white ball into pieces.
- We can recover our sanity, but only if we formally register as Democrats. Then, and only then, will we be allowed to openly convey our racism, without fear of retribution. Condie Rice, Colin Powell, Clarence Thomas and Louis Sullivan, will be free game, at last. Even those dark-skinned Punjabis, whom we secretly despise without knowing why, must accept our scorn. And we're not too sure if Hispanics like Alberto Gonzales and Miguel Estrada will escape our wrath. We'd also like to include the Jews, who except for a small Ethiopian community are as white as Glenn Beck.
- We will turn our will over to him, Barack Obama, or Jimmy Carter should the former be on travel. Please accept me as a typical white person.
- We take a full moral inventory of ourselves. We shall stop all protests, and destroy all hand-made signs. Books by Thomas Sowell, Mark Levin, Michelle Makin, Anne Coulter, Dick Morris, Victor Davis Hansen, Mark Steyn, no. Saul Alinsky, yes. Maureen Dowd, unfortunately.
- We openly admit our wrongs, even though we are guiltless. Brandishing billy clubs at polling places, libeling our countrymen as Nazis, insulting our soldiers as brown shirts, producing films about presidential assassination and ransacking military recruitment centers, are things we did not do. All of these things happened in the Age of Bush Derangement, and were perpetrated by liberals, untouched by racism or hate. But we might reciprocate at any minute. Violence and murder are in the air.
- Remove our defects of character. We ask liberals to help us, by force if necessary. Reinstating the Fairness Doctrine would be a great help, too.
- Remove our shortcomings. Stop us from bringing hidden cameras into ACORN offices. Can't we just conduct phone interviews?
- We list all of those whom we've harmed. We start with 40 million unborn black children, whose abortions supported by liberals we had not the strength to stop. Truly, we are powerless over racism. Demanding that black parents be allowed to send their children to the schools of their choice harms all members of teacher's unions. We also harmed the reputations of Charlie Rangel, Maxine Waters and John Conyers. We shall endeavor to hate the crime but love the criminal.
- We shall make amends to all those we've injured especially economically. Please begin with confiscatory taxes. Though approaching 60% in many states, certainly they could be raised to 90%. We admit that our financial rewards, a result of stable families, hard work, and long educational stints were actually stolen from others, and should be redistributed. Please accept all of my property too, as part of my contribution to reparations for slavery. Even though my ancestors did not step on American soil until the early 20th century, still I wish to make amends. I admit to having Southern friends, and I've gambled in casinos in former slave states along the Gulf coast.
- I shall continue to take personal inventory, especially of my waste products. No longer will it be acceptable to pollute the homes and neighborhoods of people of color. I will hand carry my toilet effluent to the local sewer treatment plant, and collect all gray water refuse for delivery to local organic farms. I will ask that the farm be renamed for Michelle Obama.
- I will pray and meditate to get closer to God. If spelled with a small "g", I will recognize the person of Barack Obama.
- Having had a spiritual awakening, I will carry this message to all racists. This work will be easy, since most of friends are white and all of them are racists.