February 5, 2009
Barry, honey, can we talk about money?By Kyle-Anne Shiver
"Mr. President" seems way too stiff and stilted for you, our most populist-appealing president ever. So, I certainly hope you won't mind if I chat with you here just as though we were in a humble diner down South. Just try to think of me, dear Sir, as another Joe in the neighborhood, with an awful lot on my mind.
Now, Barry Honey, can we talk about money?
Times are tough, I'm sure you've heard. Certainly, you recall your oft-repeated, campaign ditty: "We are in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression." You said that line so often people were putting it to music as they stood around waiting for your election and the inevitable return of those happy, happy, happy days.
Now, were you just pulling our leg with that line?
I'm certainly beginning to think so, Barry honey.
If you really believed your own proclamation, you might have kept your fancy inaugural festivities a bit under National-Disaster status that ended up costing us taxpayers $150 million plus. One shudders to think how many children in Africa will go hungry due to your party-party excess. How much body armor for our soldiers would $150 million buy? How many vaccinations for our little children? That's an awful lot of hard-earned money to just fritter away on a one-day party in the "worst financial crisis since the Great Depression."
Shameful, honey, just plain shameful.
Now, I know next to nothing about money, except how to spend it. Why, I've never even balanced a checkbook. But honey, from the looks of that so-called economic Stimulus bill just passed by your Democrat-controlled House, I'm assuming none of y'all up there in Washington have ever balanced a checkbook either.
No one, with two-cents worth of knowledge about money, thinks that the way to work out of a budgetary nightmare is to max out his credit cards, and then apply for umpteen more of the things. Credit-card mentality is what got us into "the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression." Even a nitwit knows it won't get us out.
It's bad enough that you've gone and put a man in charge of the whole United States Treasury, who is either a low-down, tax-cheating scumbag or an intelligence-challenged ninny. But the more I read about the details of that boondoggle of a "stimulus" bill, the more I come to think that Mr. Geithner's obvious liabilities are merely the tip of that dimwitted iceberg of a Democrat Congress you've got up there.
Just pretend I'm a second grader, Barry honey, and explain to me exactly how the following little items are going to re-create the 500 million jobs Nancy Pelosi says will be lost every month if it doesn't pass.
(Barry honey, you need to send Madame Speaker back to second grade or invest in a truckload of duct tape for her mouth. The genuine feminists of America will chip in on that duct tape, by the way.)
Now, these billions are going to create jobs, how?
This seems rather odd, since Hollywood movie producers are undeniably responsible for a share in creating the "worst financial crisis since the Great Depression." Every time they make an anti-American, we're-imperialist-war-mongers-out-to-control-the-world movie our national stock takes a dive in the minds of the citizens of the world. At any rate, making more of the same will not stimulate our recovery.
Now, here is my idea for preventing STD's and it won't cost one red cent. Take all the money now being spent on condoms given out in public schools and replace that (obviously failing) program with one that scares the woolies out of any teenager of a mind to behave like an alley cat in heat. Show the adolescent ones big, gory pictures of genital warts and oozing sores. Have STD-infected adults come in to spill the real beans. Fill the little hormone-ravaged minds with tales of kids just like them traumatized for life with STD terror and tell them the truth -- the un-sugar-coated truth. There is only one way to prevent the more than 4,000 identified sexually-transmitted diseases and that is to refrain from sex until monogamous marriage to a non-infected person.
See how easy it is to cut millions?
Now, Barry honey, I realize that you've made major promises to the greenies, but surely those who understand that we are in "the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression" know that when times are tough, then cost-cutting trumps ideology. And if anyone up there in DC thinks we need to use less energy, and reduce our "carbon footprint," then there is a little thing called the "thermostat" that accomplishes a bit of that quite nicely.
At the risk of seeming picayune, I've read that you're keeping it like an orchid hothouse up there at the White House. Good leadership starts with example, honey. That's 55,000 square feet of heavy carbon footprint, not to mention the waste of greenbacks.
All in all, after reading the list of boondoggle, pork-laden goodies in that so-called stimulus bill, I must conclude that there aren't two people up there who have ever balanced a checkbook or paid off a credit card. Why, to be perfectly honest, that bill reads like payback to a heap of lobbyists and special interest groups for the most costly presidential campaign in American history. It's unseemly and starting to take on the appearance of corruption with a capital "C."
Can you say, "Blagojevich"? Be careful, honey, it's starting to smell fishy in the White House.
Oh, and the next time you decide to throw a cocktail party to lobby your own Congress, please have your chef give me a call. I can let him know where to buy ground chuck for $2.49/lb. That Japanese steak, going for $100/lb, ought to be anathema to a President dealing with the "worst economic crisis since the Great Depression."
Even I, dear Sir, know that much about money.
Until our next chat, Barry honey, I remain your faithful dissenting constituent.
Kyle-Anne Shiver is a frequent contributor to American Thinker. She welcomes your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org.